Michael, the coordinator and host of the Little Miss Perfect child pageant on the new We channel show of the same name, is no-nonsense when it comes to pageants, which, of course, is an oxymoron.

Little Miss Perfect focuses each week on the same pageant (but with different contestants) and its only recurring characters are Michael and the other judges. Seriously, Michael seems as though he was ripped from a Christopher Guest movie.

On last night's episode, Michael coached Jayne (who is featured in the clip above).

Here are some of his credentials, according to his bio (which he probably wrote himself) on the We website:

Michael is a graduate of Providence College, Providence, RI and quickly moved to Orlando, Fla. to work with whom else, but princesses at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom! Michael performed as a face character in parades and shows throughout the park. He worked as a model throughout the world with Pro Model Management in Athens, Greece. No stranger to beauty, Michael served as a state director for Miss Vermont USA/Teen USA, NBC/Donald Trump Productions. He founded and still serves as the National Director for Little Miss, Mister, Teen, and Miss Citrus Pageant. Michael is currently a state director with American Co-Ed Pageants and also serves as the state director for Mrs. Florida International, an official state preliminary to Mrs. International. His newest pageant, America's Perfect Junior Teen, Teen, and Miss features over 100 contestants from all over the US. Michael most recently appeared in MTV's Making the Band 4 with P. Diddy and Danity Kane.

And here is a sampling of his expertise:

Jayne's mom Irina, is a single mother/corporate lawyer. It's unclear how she finds the time for this particular extracurricular activity: Throughout the show last night, she was told by numerous pageant coaches and advisers that she needs to stop answering her phone, take time off from her job, and dedicate all of herself to Jayne's upcoming pageant.

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Jayne seems to be headstrong and doesn't want to take Michael's suggestion on wearing a poncho over her "Wow Wear" costume.

Michael doesn't take kindly to Jayne's opinions. He tells Jayne's mom:

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"I'm not for negotiating with a 5-year-old. Jayne does not get to make the decision. This is what her coach and mentor is telling her. This is a stage performance, and Jayne is not in charge of costumes. If you're willing to sacrifice a better score so that Jayne feels good, then go ahead. If you want her to get the crown, then make her do it."

She wouldn't do it. She did not win the crown.

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But that seems kind of unfair, considering that Michael is present for scoring. Although he technically doesn't score any of the girls himself, his facial expressions alone, added to the fact that he's the one hiring the judges, makes it plausible that he has a lot of influence over how it turns out.

His defense to that is this:

"When the judges are talking, it's not affecting the score at all. They're simply talking about what they saw while we are adding up the scores."

Which is another way of saying that these adults sit around and talk shit on a bunch of 5-year-olds for no good reason. The following are all direct quotes.

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"Katelynn…I was a little disappointed in her on beauty. I thought the feathers in hair, I was kinda like, I don't think I like that. And blue eye shadow on! All the way up to her brows."

"Julia…I think in beauty she was perfect, but in the rest of the categories, just…no."

"Abigail…I think she just needed to step it up a notch. The dress was very boring. Let's be honest."
"Eh, she was OK. There were other girls that were prettier than her."

And last, but certainly not least, Michael gets a solo at every pageant.