Miss USA 2008 AKA America's Next Top Shanna Moakler

The Miss USA pageant has always been the basic cable version of the iconic Miss America pageant, but after the "make under" that the latter received this year, the trash and flash of Miss USA is so totally welcome. Case in point: The pageant just started and there are so many sequins all over the place. Let's get ready for two hours of camp.

10:58 Miss Texas it is! My birthday is coming up. Maybe she can plan the party? I'd like to request someone to make balloon animals. Except instead of animals, I'd like x-rated balloons, like boners and stuff. I'm going to sleep!

10:56 This has been pretty boring. I guess I did miss a big part of the show when I was vomiting though.

10:40 Remember when beauty pageant contestants would talk about helping the impoverished and starving children? Now they want to help Britney Spears.

10:37 Donnie Osmond just gained my respect for saying "such as" to Lauren Caitlin Upton.

10:30 Miss Texas's company does motivational speaking and birthday party planning?

10:14 New Jersey's dress...oh my.

10:06 Are they just gonna play the whole Rihanna album?

9:57 Ha! Miss Tennessee just touched Miss Mississippi's boob by accident, and moved it.

9:55 I just puked. A lot. I missed the entire segment when the band was playing.

9:28 Loving that we're getting to know the different girls via glamor shots of them all.

:21 Miss Indiana was smiling so hard with her eyes! It didn't make me feel any less nauseated though.

9:16 So I had this horrible knot in my shoulder and went to get a massage at this shady massage parlor by my apartment, which caused me to be a little late to this live blog. Anyway, the guy, for some reason, put some kind of Icey Hot thing all over my back and it feels weird and horrible and the smell is killing me and I think I'm probably going to need to vomit very soon.

9:13 I don't like Donnie and Marie making sexual innuendo-y jokes about each other.