You know, everyone is a winner. But some of us are better at being winners than others. Take me, for example. In my world, I am always the champion of giving advice nobody asked for.
In this, our secondest month of the year, I thought I would once again take a page from award winner and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, and share some life-changing lessons on how to truly enjoy yourself during tonight's Academy Awards ceremony by acting just like an Academy Award winner should. Polish up your golden statues and put on your best pink dress: here are few things for you to make, go, do, get, be, and see.
- MAKE: A Spectacle Tonight is a night for speeches. If you're playing a drinking game, and say, you take a shot every time someone thanks their agent, you're already on the right track to give a tremendous and legendary speech that will remain locked in everyone's memory for years to come. Do not hesitate to act as insane as possible: would we even remember that Cuba Gooding, Jr. was an Academy Award winner were it not for his mad speech? Or that Angelina Jolie took home a trophy if she hadn't totally made out with her brother? I think not. Think Sally Field, not Boring McWinnerpants. You, my friend, are the real champion tonight. Get on up on your couch and thank your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your mailman, whoever. Will people remember who won Best Actress tonight at this point next year? No. But they'll certainly remember how you got up and thanked Captain Morgan for taking you a-sailin'. And that's what classy speeches are all about: the memories.
- DO: Glam Up Tonight is a night for glitz and glamour. I will be here, along with your beloved Jezebel editors, live blogging tonight's ceremony in a red-carpet worthy ensemble. And by red-carpet worthy, I mean "an outfit suitable for typing on the computer while ignoring the stain on the rug where I spilled Cherry Kool-Aid last week." If you come to the live blog tonight, I suggest you come dressed to thrill. Or at least dressed to spill. For every rip in your clothing isn't a flaw, darlings, it's just something that makes your outfit one-of-a-kind.
- SEE: Actors Give The Performances Of Their Lives: Some will tell you that the roles tonight's nominees were nominated for were, perhaps, the roles of a lifetime. Bullcorn, I say! The best performances tonight will come as the winners are announced, and the losers have to put on their "Oh, isn't that amazing!" clap-clap faces. And if Kate Winslet somehow loses tonight, and is able to keep it together, I suggest we all pitch in and buy her an Oscar, as I would most likely start throwing gift cards and chocolate Oscars from my gift bag at Gary Busey to get him riled up enough to ruin everyone else's night as a type of revenge. A true winner always has a back-up plan: you may not win the award, but you'll win the next morning's headlines. And in Hollywood, that's all that matters, really.
- BE: Confident! Nobody likes a winner who doesn't act like a winner. Your role as pseudo-Academy Award winner allows you to dispense your wisdom to others, even if they don't care to hear it. And if they tell you to shut up or go away, remind them that you are, in fact, a winner of awards, and that awards are like butterflies you can catch in a net and then parade around for the rest of your life, screaming, "You can hate on me all you want, but I caught a butterfly in 1998, and you never did, haters." And as for those haters: you are going to face a lot of hateration now that you've obtained super awesome winner status. You need to learn to handle said criticism in the classiest manner possible. Make sure to sniff at people who make less money than you do, and then note that anyone who questions your happiness must not have happiness of their own. The NYTimes will share your story with the world, noting that you are quite like Marie Antoinette, two months after the Daily Beast does, and five months after a website called Jezebel does. Victory!
- GO: Crazy :If there is only one Oscar winner you should listen to tonight, it is Prince. If things get really crazy, he will direct you to that shrink in Beverly Hills. You know the one, Dr. Everything'll B. All Right? Instead of asking how much of your time is left, ask him about your mind baby.