At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

It's 31° in NYC, but it's a beachy, balmy 80-something on the pages of February's Free People catalog. Almost like a mini-vacation! One where the clothes are so foul, you'll have intestinal issues.

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

How much does it cost to look like a 1970s Floridian teenage runaway? Let's add: $98 for the vomitrocious top; $48 for the tank underneath; $18 for the headband; $178 for the "distressed" shorts; $78 for the Jesus sandals, and a whopping $128 for the bag, which had better be full of marijuana and pet rocks, at that price. (Total: $548)

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

The goggles… They do nothing! And the pants… They flatter no one!

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

Seriously, can you believe we live in a world where someone pays $88 for a top that looks like it survived an unfortunate Clorox incident?

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

Give this woman a raccoon, she's about to sing "Colors Of The Wind."

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

In case you hadn't noticed, headbands are mandatory for Spring 2009. But about that swimsuit: It is designed to give a woman a "happy face" tan, right? If areolae were eyes?

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

It would be even funnier if the fringe went down to the crotch and hung down between her legs.

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

At the risk of sounding like my mother, I don't understand kids these days. Jersey knit cropped harem pants are not right.

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

Full-length harem pants are also very vexing. What's next? Some kind of horrifying harem jumpsuit?

At Free People, Spring Has Sprung, And It's Hideous

…And I'm out.


Earlier: Free People: More Overpriced Thrift Store Crap Masquerading As Vintage Chic
'Free People', August 2007: Luxuriating Lolitas and $400 Shoes
Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles
Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot