Oh god: on last week's Toddlers & Tiaras, we saw more "sexy" babies, and discovered that being obsessed with parading girls around like they're hooker Barbies will actually make your face look insane. (See left.)



The girl featured in the clip above is Karlee, who takes great pride in being a "girlie girl."

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects




She's a typical pageant robot, in that she's been programmed by her mother on what to say and how to walk, except that she doesn't do either of these things as convincingly as other humans. However, she comes alive when she taps into her, um, flirty side. (Actually, "sexual" is a more accurate adjective than "flirty," but I don't want to come off as inappropriately as she does, considering she's seven.)

For example, she says, "I want to be a cheerleader, because I like to show my belly. That's what they do."

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

She also stares at herself in the mirror, doing "flirty" poses, saying "I look goooooood."

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

That, coupled with this evidence from her talent performance, indicates that she'll probably do well, socially, at a school with a Greek system. She's gonna kick ass at keg stands.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

She argued with her mother to be allowed to throw some "flirty" moves into her swimsuit competition walk, even though the judges didn't want the kids to be flirty during the swimsuit portion. (Eyelashes, fake tans, hairpieces, and fake teeth were cool with them, though.)

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

In Karlee's case, it's definitely age inappropriate, but it turns out that it's just as unsettling in grown women as well.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Basically Karlee's hyper "flirty" behavior made me (and probably this carpet) very uncomfortable.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

It also makes Karlee's 12-year-old sister uncomfortable. According to Karlee, her sister, ""is not a girlie girl. She doesn't like wearing makeup or dresses or none of that stuff." She plays softball.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Karlee's mom also talked about her older daughter's enthusiasm for softball, saying, "She loves softball. She lives and breathes it." And she made this face while saying it.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Speaking of softball…

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

For the second week in a row on this show, there were lesbian pageant moms. Unlike the last couple, who publicly referred to one mom as an "aunt," these two are out , proud and married.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

They have three little girls, two of whom - Brionna, 4, and Aja, 6 - were competing in pageants for the first time, because, as one of their moms said, ""I feel like little girls should live a glamorous life and be as prissy as they can. I always wanted that for myself."

The family has a limited income and couldn't spend the typical $2,000 for a dress, and whatever else for lessons and whatnot, but they did have a secret weapon: A gay man in need of a hobby.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

PJ is Brionna and Aja's moms' friend and designed and made their outfits for a fraction of the cost. He did an awesome job, too!

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

He also provided valuable advice.


Aja and Brionna aren't entering the pageant circle to showcase their flirty skills. Instead, they want money to purchase cell phones. As Aja explains…

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Pageant kids…they're just like us! Except with more makeup.

Guess who was back as a judge for this pageant. Mr. Creepy Questionable Intentions.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

In this episode, we actually got the backstory on how he came to be a child beauty pageant judge.
"I was sitting in a mall outside of an office supply store and I was dressed up in a suit. Annette just came up to me out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to be a judge because I guess I just looked professional to her. [Snort]"

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

The fact that the screening process to find adults to judge little girls based on their looks is exactly the opposite of how we teach children to not talk to strangers, is troubling. And it made me hate Annette, the pageant coordinator.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

And that was even before she said the following:
"Beauty is an advantage. You have to be beautiful to get a job. You have to be extra thin to get in Hollywood. Now it shouldn't be that way. Society has made it that way."

Later she said, "Weight does play an issue. I think if the judges were looking at one or the other, they might go toward the smaller contestant."

She was referring to 5-year-old Bella.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Bella's mom acknowledged her daughter's larger frame, saying, "On the weight factor, because we're so young at this point, we haven't really experienced that to be a negative thing yet."

And she was right! Annette can frig off, because Bella won the second highest title in the entire pageant, out of all the age groups.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Living Vicariously Through Your Kids Has Negative Effects

Tune in tonight for the latest episode.