Pyramid Collection: For The Steampunk Renaissance Faerie Pirate Wench New Age Witch Harlot In You

The Pyramid Collection calls itself "a catalog of personal growth and exploration." In this case, shoppers are "growing" and "exploring" how to be whimsical goth wenches who enjoy vibrators and fairy statues.

When you first open the catalog, things seem not so bad! Cute purse, if you're into old-tymey-ish things. And cute dress, if you're into, um, screenprinted flowers.

But turn the page and you'll find this: A faerie wedding. Do faeries rent their tuxedos, or buy? And where do they honeymoon?

Jane Austen fans: Scoop up this regency dress, ASAP, if you're going to make your zombie movie with authentic period wardrobe. Warning: Though the copy claims this gown is "irresistible" to "modern-day Heathcliffs," do not stand on a misty moor and wait for such a man to arrive, because evidence suggests he does not exist.

Some faeries aren't interested in marriage. Is that a ben wa ball?

What goes with "flesh-colored" leggings printed with "tribal" tattoo designs? A handcuff bracelet, of course.

Here's what I plan to do: Get dressed up in this goth Lolita "seduction" corset and skirt, then walk around my apartment with the "wish granter" and wave it at piles of laundry and dishes. If things do not magically clean and wash themselves I want my money back.

What a dirty trick. Imagine the faerie that finds your little door and tries to open it, only to discover there's just a blank wall behind. Cruel!

Wow. Since Mrs. Roper is my style icon, this speaks to me. Blogger wardrobe: solved.

Maybe this is "steampunk," goth or Deadwood-inspired, but what is with the clogs? Are clogs goth?

Only three more years until the next Pirates Of The Caribbean movie!

"If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon" has got to be the best catchphrase ever. Incorporating into repertoire in 3… 2… 1.

Why fuck up a perfectly sexy page of vibrators and kama sutra stuff with fake tattoo sleeves and a pole dancing kit?

Maybe this stuff is winning you over. Maybe you want more mystery, more witchcraft, more magick, more spiritual power in your life. Maybe you're all, "I'm not a krazy kat lady, that feline is my familiar and we are up to no good!" Maybe you want to go home and watch The Craft or The Witches Of Eastwick right now. If so, please order that cape and those shoes, because they're awesome but I will never wear them.

Fish lay eggs, right? So this little merbaby… hatched. In a lily pond. Or am I overthinking this?

The Pyramid Collection [Official Site]
Earlier: February At J. Crew: What You & Michelle Obama Can Wear This Spring
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Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.

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