This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! This is an interesting day, because every single weekly magazine failed our intricate, patented grading system, which requires the mags present new and entertaining "news."

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Us
"Bullied For Her Weight."
Although the photos of Jessica Simpson were "embarrassing," a friend of Jessica's says "the problem would be if everybody weren't talking about her." She loves being on magazine covers! An insider suggests her weight is "booze fat," and the mag points out that last May she went on a four-hour "afternoon margarita spree." Like something's wrong with that. Then there's a sidebar called "Her Guilty Pleasures," breaking down everything Jess ordered from room service — chicken wings, chips and guacamole, chocolate cake — with calorie counts and fat gram info. Next! Fifteen-year-old Ali Lohan is posing in a semi-see-through gown and talking about how Angelina Jolie is her idol (Fig. 1). Lastly, an incredibly detailed interview with Jodie Sweetin's estranged husband reveals that she drove drunk with their baby in the car and the day she found out she was pregnant, she was smoking and drinking a Jack and Coke.
Grade: F (getting a tattoo in which a word is misspelled)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

OK!
"New Baby Diet."
Brad Pitt told a reporter on the red carpet that when it comes to kids, "We average about 2 a year, so I guess we're overdue, aren't we?" So Angelina Jolie is "doing everything she can to get pregnant." She is taking prenatal vitamins, has "dramatically" cut down on junk food and is seeing her obstetrician regularly. The article doesn't mention whether or not she is actually having sex. But! Can Angelina get knocked up if she's about to start shooting $80 million action flick Salt? Next: Rihanna is "needy" and won't let Chris Brown out of her sight. A spy says: "If Chris is on a photo shoot and steps away for a second, she starts saying, 'Where did he go?'" Jackass and former mental patient Steve-O will be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars! In other news, Britney Spears is "trying to break free" by talking on the phone and texting Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib. She's sick of being under the conservatorship and is barely speaking to manager Larry Rudolph, so she's reaching out to the sleazebags for help. Plus: She announced her tour, but ticket sales have been very slow, and none of the venues have sold out. "Suri's Trip To Rio" makes it sound like the spawn of Cruise went to Brazil by herself, but Tom and Katie are in all of the pictures. Lastly: Is Madonna jealous of 12-year-old Lourdes? She wouldn't let her have a hairdresser at a benefit, and source says soon "they'll be dating men the same age." Meouch! But: Madge did let Lola get her eyebrows done.
Grade: F (trying to jump across a puddle and landing in slush)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Life & Style
"New Home For The Kids"
The house that Brad, Angelina and the brood are moving into is really nice, but all that wood is gonna get seriously fucked up by those kids (Fig. 2). Since the children are used to having a lot of space (France!), Angie and Brad can't just stay at the Waldorf anymore. The new house has plenty of room. Next: "Sasha's Story: The White House Through The Eyes Of A Seven Year Old" is a piece about how Sasha Obama might miss her friends back home and moving might be hard on her, according to a psychologist who does not treat her. The rest? Quotes from the Matt Lauer interview. Oh, but Sasha is getting a "second mom," and she is made of wax (Fig 3)! Next: Britney made a deal with Kevin, which pays him to take the kids to visit her on tour. She didn't want to tour without the kids, but if she were to cancel the tour, "it would make her look unstable," says a spy, "and nothing scares Britney more than the thought of losing access to her children." Jennifer Aniston on her new movie: "I wish it were She's Just Not That Into You! Unfortunately, it's He's Just Not That Into You. The other would be more empowering." Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, Teri Hatcher would look better with the "fullness" of Demi Moore's face (Fig. 4).
Grade: F (being on TV holding a sign upside down)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

In Touch
"I'm Not Fat!"
Jessica Simpson has been crying a lot over her weigh gain controversy. The worst moment was when she saw Barack Obama read the headline on the cover of "a magazine" (Us). Are Drew Barrymore and Justin Long back together? Or just doing press for HJNTIY? Tom and Katie "appeared to be fighting" at the Berlin premiere of Valkyrie. Were they arguing about having another baby? An insider says: "Katie is not going to get pregnant just to make Tom happy. She loves her husband, but she is not a Stepford Wife." Question: Is this "insider" named Katie Holmes. Next: A story called "Why Does Everyone Want Michelle To Be Pregnant?" Cooper Lawrence, who wrote The Cult Of Celebrity, says "Like the Kennedys, the Obamas are America's family, so it would feel like our baby." Um, wow. Four days before Jen Aniston hung out with John Mayer to watch to Super Bowl, he had dinner with another woman. John also posted a Twitter that said he was "welding" an "engagement ring" for his "girlfriend." Apparently stuff like that annoys Jen and she thinks he is desperate for attention. Farrah Fawcett is battling cancer, but her mind is on getting married to partner of 30 years, Ryan O'Neal. The mag claims she's been shopping for the perfect dress and that the wedding will take place on the beach in Malibu, in front of the couple's friends and their son, who is 24. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are planning to have another baby: Despite the fact that she has 11 month old twins at home, a pal says Jennifer is turning 40 this year, so "her biological clock is ticking." Also possibly planning to have a baby: Halle Berry! She was spotted leaving a medical center and insiders say she's been having fertility treatments. Whitney Port is not really dating The City costar Jay Lyon — she was spotted making out with E! movie critic Ben Lyons. Brad wants Angelina to stay away from Billy Bob; she's been turning to him more because the 2-year anniversary of her mother's death is coming up. An insider says: "Billy Bob's been telling her its' okay to feel sad, but that makes Brad furious." Lastly, a spread titled "Their Hair Looks Good Enough To Eat" compares pastries with 'dos (Fig. 5).
Grade: F (investing with Bernie Madoff)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Star
"How Demi Did It!"
The magazine compares a candid picture taken last March — shot in the middle of the night, without makeup, while Demi was headed to eat with her family — to a photo taken at the Neighborhood Ball on inauguration night. How she did it? They're two completely different pictures! But the mag claims Demi gets fillers on her forehead, around her eyes and mouth; she gets leech therapy to "detoxify her blood"; and everyday, she strips down in front of a full-length mirror to look at herself. She calls it her "full-frontal check." Plus! She works out for 3 hours a day. (The "six simple secrets" involve drinking water, exfoliating and moisturizing.) Moving on: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are planning a bogus divorce. Spencer will make sure he is photographed leaving a lawyer's office and will stage "fights" with Heidi. Blind item! "Which hot mama's model relationship is anything but? She got the baby she wanted, and now she's getting ready to give daddy the boot." Ryan Phillippe is a regular at the Burbank Ikea, because he loves Swedish meatballs. Megan Fox dilutes her shampoo, dishwashing soap and milk to make 'em last. She grew up in a thrifty home and old habits die hard. American Idol scandal: contestant Joanna Pacitti has already released an album, and in the liner notes, she thanked a woman who is currently a management exec at the company that produces Idol and a man who is currently the company's head of publicity. The cover says "Michael Phelps caught Smoking Pot: Only In Star," but we've already seen the pic all over the place and there's no new info. Apparently Brad and Jen were on the phone and Brad said, "I'd like for you to meet the twins." Angie was okay with it, and now they're trying to set up a time! Brad's mom will be there, so Angie doesn't have to worry about Brad and Jen being alone together. But Angie "drew the line" at bringing the other kids: "She just thinks it's too weird. She doesn't want Jen playing house with her family." Lastly: A family friend says Britney's been taking Valium to relax and is on Ativan for anxiety, Strattera for ADHD, Topamax for migraines and lithium for her bi-polar disorder. So how will the tour go? "She'll pretty much be drugged the entire time. Everyone's crossing their fingers," a source spills. January 16, Britney had a "meltdown" about her practice schedule with her mom Lynne in the locker room of the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. "She crumpled to the floor, sobbing to her mom that she wanted to skip the dance studio for a few days."
Grade: F (taping coins to envelope when out of stamps)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Fig. 2

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Fig. 3

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Fig. 4

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's Not Fat, Demi's Not Aging, Angie's Not Preg

Fig. 5