On last night's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, we got to learn the difference between "glitz" and "natural," and were once again assured that pageant kids participate because they want to.

This particular pageant was "conservative," and more about "natural" girls than "glitz" girls. There was still a swimwear portion, and an evening gown portion. The only real difference seemed to be the absence of false eyelashes. The episode focused on three contestants:

Kayleigh, 6

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

Story, 5

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

And Marleigh, 2

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

Kayleigh is a "natural" pageant girl, and she doesn't wear any makeup. She has two moms.
This lady:

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




And this lady:

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




More accurately:

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




She kept referring to her as "our" kid. Case in point, "Because we didn't do pageants, I didn't think any of our kids would."

Story is a pro. She was born for this, since that's the only explanation as to why her mother gave her such a name. She's "glitz," and she knows what she's doing, even though she admits that she doesn't "like smiling too much." She's won tons of crowns, sashes and trophies, the latter of which she plays with like they're Barbies. This scene showed her in the act, saying, "Hey sister, do you wanna have some cookies?"

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




If it's anything like the way me and my friends played Barbies, "cookies" means "sex." These two know all about that scenario.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




Story's older brother is involved in her training, and scores her rehearsals in his poetically titled, "Story Report."

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




Unlike his attitude toward correct spelling, he takes these sessions very seriously. "She looked like she was actually real mad. That's what I wrote down on 'beauty.' And she was looking at the board. I know that. She was looking at the board."

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

Marleigh (from the clip above) is a different story. (Ha, "story.")

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




Her mother, though eternally optimistic, is in complete denial about her daughter's enthusiasm for this.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




Still, she puts a lot of effort into her 2-year-old's success, and even gives her DIY fake tans.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




She also involves the family pet in her torture methods primping, in a desperate attempt to normalize the process for Marleigh. Like, "See, don't you want to be pretty like a dog, Marleigh?"

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




This method of conditioning is flawed, though, as it appears that Marleigh doesn't just want to look like a glitz dog, she wants to behave like one, too.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




Her mom kept saying things during Marleigh's perpetual tantrum like, "She really turns it on when she gets on the stage." Which just seemed ridiculous as the child was sobbing as her name was being called.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




But it turns out her mom was totally right. The minute she stepped into the light she started laughing and charming the crowd.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




Story, on the other hand, moves like an android who was programmed to swing her arms while walking just like humans do.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




I think they sell her in Japan.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




If you get two, you can make them have some cookies.

So the main thing here was Glitz vs. Natural. There were no specific rules for the pageant, so there were examples of both. As ethically superior as Kayleigh's two moms felt they were by not putting makeup on their daughter, they still strong-armed her into wearing uncomfortable, expensive gowns like any other Glitz family, despite her protests.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




See, moms, this is what you get when you raise your 6-year-old to trade in makeup for sensible shoes. She starts valuing function and thinking for herself, attitudes that are detrimental in the pageant world.

In the end, 2-year-old Marleigh only got 2nd runner up. There were only three contestants in her age group.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

And Story beat out Kayleigh for the crown in their age division.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

OR DID SHE?

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

There was a mistake with the scoring, so they actually bothered to dethrone a 5-year-old, and hold a re-crowning ceremony that only Kayleigh's family attended.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit




There was frost on the ground, but a jacket would've covered up her "natural" look.

This Kid: Totally Not Being Forced Into The Child Pageant Circuit