Toddlers & Tiaras, TLC's series about child beauty pageants premiered last night. We are all over this shit.



This guy, featured in the clip, was obviously my favorite.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




He's a "Pageant Dad," per his hat.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




He's the father of 2-year-old Ava, who was easily the cutest kid on the show. She was the only one who looked genuinely psyched to be on stage. I felt the family's pain when she didn't win any of the cash prizes, because clearly she was robbed. Like he said, she's two and she did a fucking back flip in her talent.

In this particular pageant, the moms also got to compete in the age category of 25-47. This lady, who has a 6-year-old daughter, entered. In this clip, she explains that this is a one-piece costume. She did not win.


This was her competition. You'd think that a bunch of women who make it a habit to glue eyelashes to their babies' faces and extensions to their heads would be a bit more discerning about their own outfits and accessories for a beauty competition. You know that they'd never let their kids get on stage in something like this.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS

I'm kind of obsessed with the notion of kiddie pageants, and find any kind of documentary or TV show that features them to be endlessly entertaining. Part of this, I believe, is that I kind of take a sick pleasure in being made uncomfortable. There were lots of things about this show that made me uncomfortable, hence, lots of things I loved about it. For example, this:

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy Judges

And this:

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy Judges

And this:

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy Judges

And this shifty-eyed judge, who seemed to be concerned that the camera might catch him enjoying what he sees a little too much.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




Plus, the fact that he masturbates with the backs of his hands adds to his creepy quotient.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS

Another thing? This mother was gluing permanent French tips to this child's toes.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




Which made them look like bear claws.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




But it seems like the mom knew what she was doing because her daughter swept up all the awards in her age group, much to the displeasure of the little girl on the right.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




Bear Claws also took home the grand prize of $5000.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pageant Dads, "Sexy" Babies & Creepy JudgesS




Her mother promised her that she could go to the snake farm (whatever that is) if she won. Good thing she's properly equipped with some animalistic defense mechanisms.