This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

It's Wednesday, so this must be Midweek Madness, your weekly tabloid roundup. The mags are all over the place this week: Katie Holmes' embryo; Travolta's tragedy; secrets of a White House mom.

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Life & Style
"Twins Finally Revealed!"
This story is basically a two-page spread that contains the same photographs as our Snap Judgment of Angelina, Brad, Pax, Zahara and the twins from Tuesday. Moving on: Britney is freaking out because some other chick is taking care of her kids: Kevin and his new girlfriend Victoria Prince took little Jayden and Sean P on a trip to a snowy mountain town. There are pictures of Victoria comforting Brit's boys, and of everyone sledding and playing in the snow. In an "exclusive" interview with Ray J Norwood, who's getting a reality show on MTV (to replace Flavor of Love) he explains his relationship with Whitney Houston: "We always hang out. We'll probably hang out in the future, you know what I mean?" Paris Hilton's gmail account was hacked; an imposter asked Paris's friends to promote an unknown website. She plans to contact the FBI, but she's just so busy. There's a four page story in which Larry Birkhead explains the way he'll tell Dannielynn how her mom died, but it's pretty tasteless. He says: "I tell her this cute fairytale. There was a handsome young man named Larry who met a beautiful woman named Anna at the Kentucky Derby… I also use puppets to tell her about how we met." Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, Madonna should have an arm lift, because her skin is starting to sag (Fig. 1), and Rihanna's 28-year-old "taut arms" would fit Star Jones (46) "perfectly." (Fig. 1a)
Grade: F (crotch rot)

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

In Touch
"A Family Betrayed."
We read this sentence from the John Travolta cover story: "We are talking specifically about a document that the alleged accused purported to have in his possession and was using that document to extort a substantial sum of monies from the victim." And then we couldn't read any more. Moving on: The magazine beseeches Tom Brady to marry Gisele Bundchen, because even though she is a gorgeous, wealthy Brazilian supermodel, her life has no meaning unless some random quarterback makes her his wife (Fig. 2). OMG you guys: Pink and Carey Hart are so on. Totes kissing (Fig. 3). Lindsay Lohan is "skinnier than ever." When she's depressed she loses weight, a friend says. And she might be cutting herself, too. Next: Jennifer Aniston is "painfully aware that her chances of getting pregnant are low" now that she is turning 40. This is thoughtfully illustrated by a wistful photograph. But! Jen's planning a big party on February 7th at her home and ordered special crystal glasses engraved with "40 is the new 30." Classy! Once the party is over, Jen has "vowed to do whatever it takes to get on the path to marriage and motherhood, even if that means moving on from John." In other news: Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Making out. Also on: San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito and Paris Hilton — seen sneaking kisses at Sundance. After the Berlin premiere of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt stayed out til 2 a.m. and drank so much beer "he could barely walk." Angie was home with the kids. A source says "Angie refers to him as her seventh child. She thinks he's immature." Lastly, in devastating news, Hammer pants are back (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (severe halitosis)

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Star
"Tony Cheats On Jessica In Her Own Bed"
While Jess was out of town, Tony Romo went out partying with buddies (Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti and Entourage's Kevin Connolly) and when the club closed at 2 a.m., Tony rounded up a bunch of people and brought them back to his place. His place was actually Jessica's house. People were getting in on in every room; Tony went upstairs and made out with a "cute olive-skinned brunette who wore a blue-green print dress." Moving on! Kate Winslet has a crush on Leo DiCaprio: A source says she fell for him when she was filming Titanic and has never gotten over him. At the Golden Globes, she hugged and kissed Leo before turning to her husband, and a witness says she couldn't keep her eyes off of Leo all night. But! Leo says he loves her like a sister and "kissing Kate is like kissing a family member." Jane Krakowski and Aaron Sorkin are dating. So you know Ali Lohan has been spotted hanging in L.A. with Lindsay? Her high school in N.Y. is wondering if she plans to return; she wants to play hooky indefinitely but the law says she has to attend classes until she is 16. Blind item! "Which starlet hosted a private party during Sundance? After chugging Stella Artois at Tao Lounge, she dragged a football hunk into the restroom for some sloppy loving." Hmm, this one was solved by In Touch, and he plays baseball, not football. There's a six page story called "Hollywood Weight Crisis." Lindsay, Jennifer Connelly, Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie are too skinny. Ellen DeGeneres has "struggled with her weight for years" and now has lost weight by being vegan, but Portia prefers her plump. Kevin Federline is "living large", but an insider says he likes being "fat and happy." Even though Jennifer Connelly's husband said that she dropped weight because she lost her father, the mag claims a source says: once she dropped the weight, she liked what she saw in the mirror.
Grade: D+ (pit stench)

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Us
"Secrets Of A White House Mom"
Michelle Obamarama! She's reinventing the role of First Lady! Her first party at the White House was for the White House staff, including people like plumbers and florists. Oh, and Malia plans to do her homework on the desk in the Lincoln Bedroom — where Abe penned the Emancipation Proclamation. She'd better make sure her Sharpie doesn't bleed through the paper! Also inside: "Horatio Sanz: Too Thin To Work?" He's on a new show and afraid no one is going to recognize him after losing 100 pounds. Speaking of thin: Here's yet another image of Lindsay Lohan looking svelte (Fig 5). Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are "cooling off" and John told her they needed to slow down. "She smothered him too much, just like last time," a source says. "John didn't have the heart to say he was dumping her again, so he said he needed some time to himself." Lastly, Angelina and Brad's new Long Island house is worth $60 mil and includes a private cove with room for yacht and sailboat; a gym with hot tub and cold plunge pool; leather ceiling dining room; two helipads and a fallout shelter with underground tunnel leading to the front yard.
Grade: C- (musty hair)

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

OK!
"Baby News!"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were photographed at The Ivy in L.A. and he had his hand on her tummy and she clasped his hand and held it there. She must be knocked up for real. The Ivy is one of those places you go when you want to make a statement without saying a word. Next: Uma Thurman did yoga poses in the aisle on flight from New York to Salt Lake City for Sundance. OMG! AnnaLynne McCord from 90210 kisses her sister on the lips and 28% of OK! readers think it's cute (Fig.6). Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has decided she's "just not that into John Mayer" and is "flying solo at 40." He keeps rock star hours and can be moody; she likes being home with her dogs. Besides, Jen is busy planning her big 40th birthday party February 11th and wants "everything to be perfect." Tony Romo wants Jessica Simpson to keep her curves. He likes a girl who "can have a few beers, ribs, fries and dessert," a pal says. Just like The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Demi Moore is getting more and more youthful (Fig. 7)! Lastly, Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford is being chased by Hollywood starlets like Carrie Underwood, Lindsay Lohan and Drew Barrymore — but he's interested in Sarah Palin (Fig. 8)!
Grade: C (b.o.)

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig. 1a

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig. 2

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig. 3

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig. 4

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated On

Fig. 5

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig. 6

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig.7

This Week In Tabloids: Katie Gets A Fetus, Jessica Gets Cheated OnS

Fig.8