This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Two covers deal with Jennifer Lopez divorce rumors; one is devoted to Matilda Ledger's life without Daddy; and the Obamas and Fergie's trashy wedding round out the pack.

We also learn all about Katie Holmes and Anne Hathaway's weight loss, Sarah Jessica Parker's crumbling marriage, Nicole Richie's "figure flaw" and what almost got Miley Cyrus kicked out of church. Below, contributor Margaret assists as we shiver through the cold snap and try to find warmth in OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.

This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

OK!
"Life Without Daddy."
The magazine reminds us that one year ago, Heath Ledger died "naked and alone." As for Matilda, she is now 3 years old. She likes riding her tricycle, dressing up like a princess, and going on playdates. Michelle told Newsweek that she sometimes bursts into tears at the mere mention of Heath's name. But other than that: Nothing new. Moving on: OK! calls out last week's reports that Sarah Jessica Parker is moving out by noting that the couple is still living under the same roof. In a sidebar of a piece on Michelle Obama's style, there's some awesome info about Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson: She was strict with Michelle and her brother but is more liberal with the grandkids. She says Sasha and Malia's 8:30 pm bedtime is "ridiculous." And as for the one-hour limit on TV? "That's just not enough time."
Grade: F (below 0°)



This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

In Touch
"Divorce Is Not An Option."
Jennifer Lopez did not wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes. She says: "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress." She also told the mag: "Divorce is not option." Moving on: "Anne Is So Skinny But Kate Got Curvier" is a story about the weight fluctuations of Hathaway and Hudson. Katie Holmes left her Broadway show on closing night and immediately got on a plane, so she didn't get to go to the wrap parties with the cast and crew. Also: She and Suri like New York better than L.A. Patrick Swayze's dying wish? He wants the love of his life — his wife — to be happy. David Hasselhoff had a "wild night" in Las Vegas with a woman in an orange dress. (Fig. 1) Thank your lucky stars you are not this woman. Lance Armstrong has asked his pregnant girlfriend Anna Hansen to marry him! He popped the question while the two were vacationing in Hawaii. In a story called "Hollywood Promises Stardom For Sex," there are a ton of blind items about the casting couch! Like: "What hunky, masculine action star slept with a famous male director and only then was given a walk-on role in one of his movies? Luckily, this small film debut launched his career." Plus: "This actress had a very strong reputation as a high-priced hooker before she was ever in a movie. And before she married one of Hollywood's most famous men." Lastly: Robert Pattinson's sisters used to dress him up like a girl and call him Claudia (Fig. 2).
Grade: D- (below 10°)



This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Life & Style
"President Dad!"
Forget the recession and the conflict in Gaza: Not being there for Sasha and Malia has been and remains Barack Obama's biggest fear! This story mostly pulls quotes from sources such as Marie Claire, ABC's This Week and Ebony. Don't forget that Obama was raised without a father and is well aware of the emotional scars that form from not having a dad around, people. Moving on: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are living separate lives. The mag talks to a "neighbor" who says, "Rarely do I spot them together." A parent whose child attends the same school as James Wilke Broderick says, "You never see Sarah and Matthew together with James on the short walk from their home to the school." Next: Britney leaves her house of horrors! She's moving out of the mansion where she had her meltdown and into a house in Calabasas, CA, 25 miles from Beverly Hills. Everything will be so much better. In other news, Jennifer Lopez is "torn between two men." One is her husband, Marc Anthony; the other is former manager Benny Medina. Some say Marc deeply resents Benny's presence in J. Lo's life. The two projects J. Lo and Marc worked on together — the film El Cantante and the album Como Ama Una Mujer — both flopped, and Jennifer is "hungry for success again." Drama! Poor Taylor Lautner from Twilight had to work out "six or seven days a week for two hours a day" and eat as much as possible to bulk up for the sequel (Fig. 3). He put on 20 pounds and guaranteed the studio 10 more. Did we mention that he is 16? Is this healthy? This week in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the good doctor is focusing on abs (Fig. 4). He should know that the woman labeled as Donatella Versace is actually a random Italian countess. But! He thinks that Tara Reid would look better with Lindsay Lohan's stomach. Keep in mind that LL is ten years younger and Tara had botched liposuction. Lastly, there's a bullshit spread called "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed." (Fig. 5) Rosario Dawson's flaw is that she is athletic; Nicole Richie's flaw is that she is petite. And if Elizabeth Banks is "pear shaped" then the Earth is flat.
Grade: D (below 15°)



This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Us
"Fergie And Josh's Wedding Album."
Was this the tackiest nuptials ever? Perhaps! First: It was held near a lake, so it was fishing-themed. Guests were given fishing poles and encouraged to fish for one of 100 specially imported rainbow trout. "Josh loves beer, and wanted a keg there," the wedding planner explains. "But Fergie said kegs are ugly, so we made a blinged-out cover for the keg." Just so you know, Michelob Ultra was in the keg. Josh says, "The wedding was about incorporating both our personalities." Fergie walked down the aisle to the theme song from Peanuts, since she used to voice a character on the Charlie brown cartoon. After the ceremony, when Fergie got up to thank the crowd, she said into the mic: "I'm married, bitches!" Moving on: Does François-Henri Pinault, the father of Salma Hayek's baby, have a love child? And is the mother a French politician? An interview with Kendra titled "My Life WIth Hef" is chock-full of details! She is moving out of the Playboy mansion and she is engaged to the Philadelphia Eagles' Hank Baskett. She says while in the house, the girls had a 9 pm curfew, and Hef wanted them to wear dresses. They weren't allowed to chew gum, and they weren't allowed to go home for the holidays. Kendra only saw Hef once a day, there were never solo dates, and she was too intimidated to say anything to Hef except for "I love you!" Plus: When asked if she ever got intimate with Hef, Kendra responded: "Of course, there were romantic times…" But! She also says: "I never stopped hanging out with my guy friends. I had to have sex every now and then. So I kind of had to sneak it."
Grade: C (22°)



This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Star
"J. Lo & Marc: Fights Turn Physical"
"They love hard, they fight hard, and sometimes that has led to pushing and shoving," reveals an "insider." Apparently women call the house and ask for Marc and Jennifer goes nuts. "Jen had a complete meltdown. She tossed pots, pans, dishes, books, and whatever else she could get her hands on." Also: Marc calls Jen "chubby" — sometimes he'll pinch her waist and make a "tsk, tsk," sound and laugh. She gets angry and lashes out. Supposedly, she called Diddy (?!?!) for help, and he told her to get a good lawyer. Moving on: the mag claims Suri Cruise is in danger because Katie bought her a child's manicure kit and, in a zoomed-in photo, the label says "choking hazard: small parts - not for children under 5 years." Blind item! "Which very pregnant party gal just can't stop bar hopping? She rocked the ready-to-pop look during a recent night out in Vegas." Next, Miley Cyrus was seen texting in church. Of course she was sending messages to boyfriend Justin Gaston, who was sitting next to her! The pastor pulled them aside because they couldn't stop giggling. Ashlee Simpson has plumped her lips with Restylane injections, zapped stretch marks with laser treatments and is debating getting lipo. Anne Hathaway has dropped 20 lbs. and 2 bra sizes, but misses her old boobs and is considering implants. Jennifer Aniston is getting an engagement ring from John Mayer for her 40th birthday! He's designing it himself, and is inspired by his tattoo that reads "Life." Samantha Ronson ended things with Linsday Lohan because she's fed up with the drinking and the drama. Ali Lohan, 15, has moved to L.A. to be with LL — doesn't she have school? Katie Holmes, 5 foot 9, is a size 2, but is fasting and working out like crazy and won't stop until she is a size zero — she wants to be rail-thin like her idol, Audrey Hepburn, and friend Victoria Beckham. Lastly, there's an absurd four page article on Barack and Michelle — including how they've been — gasp! — fighting recently. Barack is concerned that Michelle spends too much dolling the girls up in fancy dresses. "He doesn't want them to look like little princesses," a source says. He wanted them to go to public school, but Michelle picked Sidwell. Oh, and she came back to their hotel with "loads" of new purchases, and "Barack hit the roof." (Yes, apparently No Drama Obama hits roofs!) A source swears: "He was stunned at how much she had spent. He told her she was letting the notion of being First Lady go to her head, and that she was going to have to take back many of the items." There was a lot of shouting, and then the silent treatment. But! "If there's a silver lining to their heated spats, it's the makeup sex."
Grade: C- (32°)



This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Fig. 2

This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Fig. 3

This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Fig. 4

This Week In Tabloids: J. Lo's Domestic Drama, Barack & Michelle's Makeup Sex

Fig. 5