The View Meets The NY Times, Talks Cruise, Coulter & CantoneS

Last night, former Gawker editor Choire Sicha attended a panel with the women of the View sponsored by the NY Times. Joy Behar was there! Ann Coulter was mentioned! After the jump, his story.

Today, The View brings us Tom Cruise; on Monday comes the queen of foaming scandal, the one and only Ann Coulter. (Joy Behar says she's a "bitch"! Whoopi Goldberg says she's gonna beat her up!)

What a daring weekend sandwich. First let us deal with the Cruise. So last night, The View ladies were on stage in the New York Times auditorium, just rappin' with Times TV reporter Jacques Steinberg, who couldn't have been happier to see them. (Literally, he was all, "Put the rumors to rest! They really do like each other!" Um, what do you know, you saw them backstage for eight minutes?) There was an audience of like 795 middle-aged women, 3 unhappy straight guys, and 2 thrilled gay guys.

Anyway, yes, because there is no stopping the promotions for the tepid Valkyrie, because $63 million is NOT ENOUGH for Cruise-Wagner productions, they have taped a show with Tom Cruise to air today... now in fact (if you are on the East Coast). And so Barbara Walters apparently comes at him all sneaky with the Barbara-fu and they bring up the death of poor Jett Travolta, because obviously Tom Cruise and John Travolta are besties because they are in the same sorority.

So The View-ettes were super-teasy about it because they are all thinking, oh let us please still have good ratings now that the election is over, but! Apparently Barbara asks Tom Cruise about how in his religion — and she calls it a religion, not Scientology — they're not supposed to take pills or see doctors and that is why everyone on the Internet is convinced that Xenu killed Jett Travolta.

And Tom Cruise says, she said, "We do go to doctors and we do have medication." And apparently he gets all weepy! Oh God! "He doesn't say anything — it's not what he says," said Whoopi Goldberg. And they were all like, like, "yikes!"

Okay, we might actually have to watch this. Also they said the Tom Cruise was there most "sincere" guest of all time. That is so odd. SO! Ann Coulter!

What are you going to ask Ann on Monday, someone in the audience wanted to know.

Here is what Joy Behar said she is thinking: "'Why are you such a bitch?'"

And: "She just wants the books to sell — she'll say whatever she has to say."

"The real thing is to look bemused at her," said Whoopi.

So the plan was maybe not to give her any scandalous attention. "It would be a coup for her," said Sherri Shepherd.

"I'm going to drink a lot of water so I have to go to the bathroom," said Whoopi. "Then if she comes in? I'll beat her behind."

"We should just ask her the dumbest and silliest questions," said Sherri.

"Like 'are you blonde on the top and the bottom?'" said Whoopi.

Gosh, what else? Elsewise, Barbara talked a little about the news biz in this crazy bloggy modern age of ours. "Everybody screams, everybody gives their opinions — and they're considered journalists and they are," she said. And: "Now you don't want heads of state — you want Britney Spears. I don't want to lament it. This is the way it is."

Also! There was a classic Sherri Shepherd moment about how upset she was over all the hate mail when she came out strongly against gay marriage and in favor of Prop 8. "It's hard to hear people say 'you're a bigot!'" she said. Oh, that is so sad — you gross bigot!

P.S. Tracie was supposed to cover this but allegedly she became ill at the very last moment so I pinch-hitted. (Pinch-hat? Um.) So at one point The View ladies were totally talking about what a disaster Mario Cantone was on The View because you just cannot have a man at a lady-party, even if he is gay (or, as Joy Behar put it, "a gay guy as a sort of intermediary," because, uh, what are we, INTERSEX?), so sorry to bust up the lady-time, I am taking my penis and going home now. Also! I got through this whole thing without mentioning Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who sucks.