Sanjay Gupta, The Surgeon General Of Our (Dirty) Dreams

Today, we go from pay-for-play to Sanjay to Republicans to squirrel-eating and back again, because, you know, it's Hump Day.

The shitshow that will be the Senate commenced with a whimper yesterday, as Roland Burris dutifully trooped through regular security at the Capitol building — lacking, after all, the Pin of Wonder that allows everyone but Cynthia McKinney to bypass the metal detectors and flip off us plebes — only to have the Secretary of the Senate tell him to fuck off. Thereafter he and his phalanx of lawyers and the amassed press hordes — they of the sloppy khakis and colored button-downs — trooped through the rain halfway across the Capitol grounds so that he could tell the world that the Secretary of the Senate did exactly what everyone already knew the Secretary of the Senate had done but with the Capitol as a backdrop for the cameras, as though it was a widescreen movie shot and not a press conference without TV stands where the whole shot is your face. Amateur. He spoke two sentences and ran off to get out of the rain in case he melted, leaving his bombastic lawyers to say bombastic lawyerly things like "We are exploring our legal options." No shit, Sherlock, that's what he's paying you too much money to do. And Harry Reid thinks that Burris is going to spend that much more money to obtain the Senate seat and give it up in two years? Please.

Oh, look, here's one shot just like Burris' press people wanted, ruined only by the aide holding an umbrella over his head and the fact that it illustrates an article entitled "Poll: Most Support Barring Burris from Senate." But, hey, Diane Feinstein thinks Harry Reid ought to just roll over like he always does and let Burris sit next to you, but she's kind of having a bucking-the-establishment week between that and getting pissy with Obama over Panetta, but the rumor is that she's just doing it so that she can be seen as nearly as independent from her party leaders (not that Harry Reid rules anything but his own increasingly flaccid penis with a firm hand) at the Governator when she takes him on next year. Biden and Obama have apologized for not consulting her and shit, not that she's not showing sort of exactly why maybe they didn't consult her between the pissy public statements and the fact that she seemingly believes that her personal pick for the position should have gotten the nod. Did she not notice that appointees serve at the pleasure of the President and not the committee chair who confirmed them?

In the meantime, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee (which, as a whole, will be in charge of confirming Obama's Attorney General appointee Eric Holder) Arlen Specter —who was once considered liberal enough to earn the AFL-CIO's endorsement over the Democratic candidate for Senate in Pennsylvania in 2004, propelling him to a win and, ahem, helping keep today's Senate from a filibuster-proof majority — yesterday compared Eric Holder to torture-happy, rule-breaking, rendition-loving, wire-tapping cronyist Alberto Gonzales because he once signed off on a pardon for a guy too quickly. Yup, that's the same thing.

While we're talking of cronies, Bush still has 'em and some seats to fill so he spent a couple minutes in between packing and scratching desperately at that dingleberry glued between several of his ass hairs appointing them to boards and shit that Obama can't roust them from. That includes, by the way, current White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton, current Attorney General Michael Mukasey and current Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff to the United States Holocaust Memorial Council, because nothing says "Holocaust Memorial" like Chertoff's visage and God knows they'll need a new way to suck at the government teat when they're done drawing full salaries. Who said that all Republicans were supposed to be fiscal conservatives?

The other big news of the day is that Obama is supposedly going to make the intensely fuckable CNN medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta the nation's Surgeon General, who Anna calls "arrogant" and I call... well, I'm going to stick with intensely fuckable, but if he wasn't married and didn't have a pregnant wife I'd be happy to think of other things to call him. Is he a fashion choice? Does it "hint at the Obama Administration's seriousness about addressing the most significant health concerns facing the nation"? Probably both, but if you wanted a new version of the already-old-when-he-was Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, he's probably it. But if he starts talking like Jocelyn Elders about the need for people to masturbate, well, I'm more than happy to take his recommendation and I know which fantasy I'm starting with.

Oh, fine, you want serious news, you atypical American news consumer you? Obama is sad about all the civilians dying in Gaza and in Israel even if George Bush does think that such is what happens when you democratically elect a government that we don't like and Israel deplores. French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced that the Israelis had accepted a cease-fire, but Israel simply said they "welcomed" the proposal by France and Egypt, which I guess means that Sarko was just a little quick to trigger and perhaps doesn't bode so well for Carla Bruni. Israel bombed a UN school where refugees were hiding thinking they'd be safe but then announced that they'd stop bombing the shit out of everything for 3 hours each day so that some humanitarian aid could get in before they resumed bombing the shit out of everything. They've only got 13 days until the Inauguration and Obama's already hinting he's not pleased, people.

Other not-pleasing things include the trillion-dollar deficit Obama is preparing us to suck up and take as the economy continues to slide into the gutter, but most people would rather speculate about who might replace Governor Grabbyhands at the helm of the Commerce Department as though the Commerce Department really matters that much in the scheme of things — word is California Congressman Xavier Becerra is out despite making the Latino community's shortlist yesterday and Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius is staying the hell in Kansas, thank you very much, so who knows what the fuck Cabinetry job she wanted but didn't get.

In the right-wing wrap-up portion of this segment, Former Maryland Lt. Governor turned RNC Candidate (and official Black Person) Michael Steele thinks competitor Chip Saltsman "Magic Negro" CD probably wasn't the best thing for a party that desperately needs to attract some new blood that won't wear white hoods, which is the smartest thing anyone's said in the RNC race so far this year. Laura Bush's memoirs fetched her less of an advance than Hillary Clinton's did hers, which is what you get for being a Stepford wife that everyone considers boring rather than the most controversial First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt. Lou Dobbs still thinks immigrants and international trade are the cause of all the ills facing this nation except global warming which is totes not real despite his orange color. Oh, and some people still eat squirrels. I don't know, somehow that seemed related.

Send an email to Megan Carpentier, the author of this post, at askalobbyist@gmail.com.

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