A Girl's Guide To Treating Symptoms Of Unwanted Pregnancies

Early symptoms of pregnancy — nausea, cramps, tender boobs, mood swings — are a drag. All-natural home remedies that are safe for an embryo are pretty much useless. Especially when you've scheduled an abortion.

Try Googling any of these symptoms, and you'll find a bunch of websites that begin with something like "Congratulations. You are on a journey of a lifetime…" or "Some symptoms of early pregnancy can be unpleasant, almost to the point of dampening the joy of your good news…" And good luck trying to find any advice on how to deal with some of the more annoying and uncomfortable symptoms, that actually interfere with your day-to-day life, that don't involve vitamins, saltines, water, and "lots of rest." All of the information of alleviation puts the well being of the fetus first and the mother second.

But what about the women who have no intentions of seeing a pregnancy to term? What about the women who could barely find time in their calendars to schedule their abortions, who have to face grueling workdays until their appointments under conditions that would prompt any man to take a sick day? There is very little information out there for the many women in this predicament, because frankly, nobody cares about them. Despite their individual situations, they're collectively seen as irresponsible, selfish, and undeserving of the kind of help that would make their lives a little easier for the days or weeks they have to wait to terminate the pregnancy. Some women might even feel a little guilty or ashamed to seek such relief. Abortion is an option, not an obligation to quietly suffer.

As far as sucky symptoms of unwanted pregnancies go, what's the harm in throwing the bathwater out with the baby? Here is a guide to treating them, that no doctor would probably ever recommend.*

Cramping
Cause: This is most likely happening because of implantation, when the egg is attaching itself to the uterus, or because the uterus is preparing itself for the long haul by growing. It feels like bad menstrual cramps.
Cure: Take a Midol. All it really is is ibuprofen and some caffeine anyway. The instructions merely say to consult a doctor before taking, if you are pregnant, but it won't cause a miscarriage. If it did, then abortion pill manufacturers would be out of business and back alley abortionists would've hung up their wire hangers long ago. If you have anything harder like Vicodin around the house, pop some of those. But then, who are you? Nicole Richie? Cramps suck and all, but over-the-counter stuff should do the trick. But then, who are we to deny you a good time with your dolls? If you're not that into pharmies, weed also helps, too.

Fatigue
Cause: Changing hormone levels and low blood sugar.
Cure: If you're lucky, Adderall. If you're not, then drink some coffee. Lots of it. Make like you're Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias and eat candy or drink juice. And take naps if you can. Now is the time to cut yourself some slack. If you know who the father is, and he's still hanging around, guilt him into doing shit for you, like your dishes or your laundry or your grocery shopping so you can catch a few Zzzs. Because what's he doing in all this, other than footing half the abortion bill (hopefully)? As Homer Simpson says, "It's not uteri, it's uterus."

Nausea
Cause: Back in the dark ages, before there were women doctors, "morning sickness" was thought to be psychological. It's not. People still don't know exactly what causes it, but it most likely has something to do with rapidly rising levels of the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). It affects 50% - 90% of pregnant women. And "morning sickness" is a misnomer. It can happen at any given time of the day, and for some unlucky ladies, it's constant. It's the worst of all the symptoms, as it's invasive, inconvenient, and miserable. Doctors will suggest these stupid bracelet things for acupressure, ginger, saltines, and cold compresses.
Cure: What you don't want to do is go anywhere near your spice cabinet, old takeout in your fridge, or rest your head on your BF's shoulder. Your changing hormone levels will give you a heightened sensitivity to aromas, and that will make you wanna ralph. Also, don't try to force a puke. It's not like being drunk, in which puking will make you feel better. You'll just feel like you have to puke more right after, and your throat will hurt. Pregnancy-related nausea operates a lot like motion sickness. So take some Dramamine. Get some food in your stomach. It sucks, but saltines, are indeed, your friend in this situation. Marijuana is also known to eliminate nausea and will help rebuild an appetite. Word to the wise: Don't take a massive bong hit that will make you cough deeply, because then you'll just hurl. Also, make sure that you're head is in the right space, because if you're freaking out about this pregnancy thing, you're totally only going to fan the flames of your anxiety when you light up.

Breast Tenderness
Cause: The increase in hormones causes blood to rush to your breast, causing swelling and soreness. Sometimes they're just sore to the touch, but other times, they even hurt when their just kind of moving around, like if you're getting dressed, or exercising or walking quickly without a bra on.
Cure: You can try different bras, do "breathing exercises," or try temperature treatments with hot or cold compresses, but you should probably just cut the crap and take some kind of pain med, over-the-counter or otherwise.

Mood Swings/Irritability
Cause: Jerkass hormones again, and also, you're going through some shit right now.
Cure: Whatever, ride the highs and then be a bitch when you feel like it. If necessary, avoid people who are remotely annoying. And if you get sad, blow off trivial responsibilities (like going to the gym, or mopping, or running errands) and just do what you feel like doing. Idiots are always basing women's behavior on hormones no matter what, so this is your get-out-of-jail-free card. Kinda like how you don't have to use birth control for the time being. Live it up, because those—along with breast swelling, for some women—are the only "pros" to this pregnancy compared to a much longer list of "cons."

*We are NOT doctors. If you do anything on this list and, then have a change of heart about terminating the pregnancy, don't blame us if the baby has low birth weight or flippers.

The Early Signs Of Pregnancy [Women's Health]

Send an email to Tracie, the author of this post, at tracie@jezebel.com.

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