This Week in Tabloids: Which Celebs Are Unwrapping the Gift of Herpes?

This Christmas Eve, we bring you tidings of Midweek Madness.

We wonder: is it worse that Ok! settled in for their long winter's nap last week with a double issue, or that the editors at the other mags have obviously been sleeping on the job? This week's cover stories are all about bodies: reducing the size of them, growing babies in them, taking them to the beach, and of course, pumping them full of drugs. We attempt to extract some holiday cheer from the sack full of coal that is Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.









This Week in Tabloids: Which Celebs Are Unwrapping the Gift of Herpes?

Us
Before you sit down to your Christmas ham (or non-denominational Chinese food feast), Us would like to remind you that those holiday calories do, in fact, count. So here are some novel ideas from this year's Biggest Loser, in case you find you need to lose half your size in 2009: eat less and move more. Moving on: Madonna was only attracted to A.Rod because of the secrecy, and now a source says "she's totally lost interest." As have we. Next: Some stars got married this year, while others chose to spawn. To relive all the vicarious excitement, you can check out the mag's 16 page year-end filler special. Bonus: A complex two page chart (Fig. 1) that lists by month the 88 couples who either broke up or hooked up in 2008. Major points to anyone who can combine this with the infamous herpes tree.
Grade: F (Stepping on a shattered tree ornament)

This Week in Tabloids: Which Celebs Are Unwrapping the Gift of Herpes?

In Touch
Katie Holmes tugged her shirt down in public, so obviously she is 12 weeks pregnant. A British tourist who spotted her in the street confirms, "She definitely had a baby bump." Next: Britney is suffering from stage fright because she's worried she can't live up to her fans' expectations. They're doping her up with two different anti-anxiety medications, so it looks like the show will go on. K-Fed is dating a girl from his bowling team. Sort-of-famous person Brandon Davis reports that there are different rules for celebrities in swanky rehab facilities. He says during his four times in treatment he's been allowed to keep his cell phone and has been offered drugs by other patients. "I can only imagine how easy it would be for a huge star in rehab to get away with things, like using drugs," he says.
Grade: D- (Discovering your dog has downed some tinsel)

This Week in Tabloids: Which Celebs Are Unwrapping the Gift of Herpes?

Life & Style
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has been hitting the Hollywood party circuit and and a pal says, "he's drunk every night by 6:30pm." As for his co-star Kristen Stewart, "It's no secret that Kristen likes to unwind by smoking pot," says an insider. Could their antics jeopardize the sequel? Next: White House family feud! As previously reported in more reputable news sources, the Obama's asked to move into Blair House, the president's guest residence across the street from the White House, two weeks before the inauguration so that the kids could start school on time. And the Bushes shot them down! Former White House social secretary Leticia Baldridge advises that etiquette-wise, the Bush family was in the right. "They can stay in a hotel," she says. Burn. Moving on: The Jolie-Pitts have decided to leave America permanently for France, which isn't all that shocking since they're returning to Chateau Miraval, which they had already leased for three years. In other news, despite reports that their marriage is on the rocks, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony enjoyed a romantic dinner in L.A. last week. "They definitely looked like they were celebrating something," says an onlooker. J.Lo's triumphant return to the tabloid A-list last week, perhaps? Halle Berry is trying for baby number two according to the salesgirl at a Vancouver lingerie shop. Berry joked, "it's baby making time!" as she was leaving the store. This week in Dr. Rey's obnoxious plastic surgery case book: Kate Moss would look better with Blake Lively's legs, because all women are just a collection of interchangeable Mr. Potato Head parts. Lastly, everyone's being hit hard by the recession, but there is some good news: Celebs like Heidi Montag are getting paid less to appear at parties.
Grade: D (Extended family inquiring about your relationship status)

This Week in Tabloids: Which Celebs Are Unwrapping the Gift of Herpes?

Star
The one good thing about the summer being over is that you'd think for at least eight months you wouldn't see a celebrity's cellulitey ass staring back at you on the check out line. But the laziness of Star's editors knows no season! Miley Cyrus is a "worst" because the 16-year-old wasn't showing enough skin. Ewan McGregor has the "worst fish belly," whatever that is, because he's not that tan nor are his abs chiseled. In actual gossip, the reason Nicole Kidman is rarely spotted with her kids Isabella and Connor is that Tom Cruise had secret papers drawn up that limit her visitation rights. She needs Tom's approval to go anywhere with the kids, Tom reads the emails she sends them, and he had to pre-approve her new husband Keith Urban before the kids were allowed to visit. Nicole agreed to sign the papers and keep her mouth shut because she knew Tom would blacklist her in Hollywood and ruin her career. Sad blind item: "Which little actress has big plans to squash the recent pregnancy rumors? She's started using laxatives to get back to her usual scary skinny look." Next: though the mag had elaborately planned out an entirely made up wedding for Jennifer Aniston in Los Cabos, they've decided they'd rather pretend Jen is getting married in the Greek Orthodox church, because "Jen's Big Fat Greek Wedding" makes a better headline. Moving on: If J.Lo and Marc Anthony divorced, she would definitely keep the twins, but they'll never divorce because she doesn't want to have a third failed marriage, so ... yeah. And finally, Star closes out 2008 with a 15 page story on celebrities' insane maple syrup diets and 8 hour workout sessions, which frankly, we could not read because we're off to down a massive amount of cookies and eggnog before Santa gets his grubby mitts on them.
Grade: D+ (A cookie jar full of broken off gingerbread man legs)

Fig. 1

This Week in Tabloids: Which Celebs Are Unwrapping the Gift of Herpes?