The new year should be about getting a fresh start, but even though this is the January 2009 issue, Glamour still hasn't finished judging other women for all the grievous sins they committed in 2008.

And the mag has some punishments to dole out as well! Are you one of those "loose women" who have sex on the first date? May you have bad sex forever! Too poor to afford the various products Glamour is shilling? You are sentenced to wearing mismatched outfits cobbled together from the crap in the back of your closet. And as penance for her "crazy year" Britney must study a graph charting her downfall and think long and hard about how she's going to make it up to us. Below, we rewrite Glamour's cover lines to more accurately reflect the shamings contained within.

Send an email to Margaret Hartmann, the author of this post, at margaret@jezebel.com.