This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

It's Midweek Madness time, and this week, most of the covers focus on Brad and Angie: Their made up summer wedding, holiday plans with the kids, and feud with Jennifer Aniston.

But recall if you will, a time before Brangeliniston, before even Brangelina, in which our attention was held rapt by Bennifer and one notorious derriere. Yes, J.Lo is back from the clutches of suburban motherhood and she left her wedding ring at home. Does it mean her marriage to Marc Anthony on the rocks, or is J.Lo just letting us know that she would like us to pay attention to her again? We swallow a heaping dose of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

OK!
Have you heard? "Jen's Obsessed With Angie." Also obsessed: the dozens of other publications from which this cover story was crudely cobbled together. Johnny Depp went shopping at a high-end jewelry store in California, which clearly means he's picked out a ring for Vanessa Paradis, his girlfriend of a decade and mother of his two children. The next 28 pages are devoted to a recap of the most important people and events 2008, as chosen by panelists Christian Siriano, Ann Curry, Diddy, and Lauren Conrad. And if that's not enough to convince you that everyone at OK! drank too much at the holiday party and called in sick on Monday, there is a peek into the "private world" of Clyde, the canine star of Marley & Me.
Grade: F (Drilling a hole in the head)

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

Life & Style
The six page "lump of coal" cover story "Baby's First Christmas" describes how celebs who have recently spawned are spending the holidays. The Jolie-Pitt kids are getting 1980s-style arcade rooms installed in their multiple homes, Pete Wentz bought 1-month-old Bronx Mowgli his first $5,000 electric guitar, and Nicole Richie's daughter Harlow is stuck with wooden blocks. The stars have shocking and bizarre Christmas traditions like opening presents, listening to Bing Crosby records, and spending time with their families. Next: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin haven't been spotted together since Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding in April. Could their marriage be on the rocks? The mag helpfully points out that the holidays are a stressful time that could push a couple to the breaking point. Britney wants more plastic surgery. A "friend" says she's "dying to have her boobs lifted" and wants lipo on her butt and inner thighs. Michael Jackson has blown his billion dollar fortune and will be auctioning some of his most prized possessions in April. Here are some financial lessons you can learn from Michael: caring for your four giraffes costs about $12,000 per year and settling a child molestation case may run you more than $25 million. Moving on: Life & Style talks with Kate Walsh of Grey's Anatomy fame about her divorce from Alex Young, her husband of 15 months. Here's the "exclusive interview" in its entirety: "At the moment, for obvious reasons, I don't want to talk about my relationship with Alex or our divorce." Tara Reid checked herself into rehab at Promises in Malibu for reasons unknown. In the latest infuriating installment of Dr. Rey's plastic surgery casebook the bad doctor suggests that Nicollette Sheridan may look younger with Gwyneth Paltrow's face. Possible side effects: having someone else's face. Lastly, Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris Hilton's search for a "new BFF," reveals that she was never a Paris Hilton fan prior to landing a spot on the reality show. So what brought them together? "We have the same drink of choice," says Flickinger, "Patron tequila." Sounds like it's going to be a beautiful friendship.
Grade: D- (Amputation)

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

Us
In the case of the "disappearing bling" we learn that J.Lo showed up to the Benjamin Button premiere without her wedding rings. She may have left the rings home on purpose because she has always used her jewelry to "send SOS messages" to the press. Lopez is supposedly bored with suburban motherhood and wouldn't sit next to Marc Anthony at Thanksgiving dinner. Earlier this month, Anthony was spotted at Bungalow 8 having drinks with three women. He put his hand on one girl's thigh, which she thought was "gross." Anthony keeps tabs on J.Lo's phone calls and dictates her wardrobe choices. "You don't see so much of that booty anymore," says the couple's "longtime friend." Jennifer Connelly has gone from 140 lbs. to 110 lbs. in the past two years, according to a doctor who doesn't treat her. Connelly's explanation: "I eat an absurd amount of apples." Also, SNL alum Horatio Sans has gone from "chunk to hunk" by losing nearly 100 lbs. (Fig. 1). In closing, Michael Jackson's new style is inspired by Zorro and the Hamburgler (Fig. 2).
Grade: D (Leeches)

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

Star
As Star reported last week, the Jolie-Pitt kids are forcing their parents to get married in an elaborate (and entirely made up) June wedding. But first Brad wants Angie to sign a prenup because of the pair's dicey romantic track records. If they break up they'll each keep their own millions and Angie will get primary custody of all the kids because Brad doesn't want to break up the brood or take them from their mother. There are also uncomfortable details about how long Brad and Angie want to stay on life support if "something drastic" happens, but that's really something that should be discussed with your real life loved ones before clouding your mind with the wishes of the Jolie-Pitts. Blind item: Which actor has a special way to make himself feel holly jolly? While his kids shopped for a Christmas tree, he stayed in the car and fired up a suspicious smelling pipe. As you know, Oprah admitted that she is 200 lbs. in O magazine, but Star cattily insists that she's actually 10 lbs. heavier. The mag says she's planning on getting gastric bypass surgery to shed 50 lbs., but is worried that it will be too obvious. "She wants people to think it was through diet and exercise, and not because of surgery," says an insider. Mariah Carey was spotted holding a sonogram, refused to drink champagne, and just canceled a world tour. "What does it all mean?" demands Star. According to a detailed account of the star peeing on a pregnancy test, she's with child. Demi Lovato showed up to Miley Cyrus's October birthday party with smudgy black lines on her wrist. Is she cutting? She had marks on her wrist in September, but her rep claimed they were left by a gummy bracelet. If this is the first tabloid you're buying this year, you may want to check out the 16 page story on the "OMG! MOMENTS OF 2008." Otherwise, they are considerably less shocking.
Grade: D+ (Blood letting)

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

In Touch
The magazine asks, Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston: "Why Can't They Let It Go?" Could it be because In Touch keeps putting fake stories like this one on the cover? Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway have each lost 20 lbs and are now "scary-skinny." Or they were photographed in a baggy outfit. Britney is secretly dating Benji Madden. Britney selected Paris Hilton's recent ex off a list of potential boyfriends compiled by her dad Jamie and manager Larry Rudolph. The list included Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalfe, and Michael Phelps. But! Brit is also dating Kentwood, La. local Ryan Martin. He is 20 and best friends with Britney's baby-daddy-in-law Casey Aldridge. Moving on: Fergie and Josh Duhamel, who have been engaged for a year, are secretly planning to wed on the weekend of January 10. But the real "top secret" may be that Fergie isn't gaining weight for an upcoming role, she's pregnant. Jude Law's receding hairline has been looking much fuller recently. Did he get a hair transplant? In a four page spread on Christmas at Kathy Griffin's house we learn that she has decorated her LA home for the holidays with mounted reindeer heads and golden Emmy theme. "I don't know if you've heard, but I won two Emmys," Griffin explains, "and it is important that every single person alive knows that I have two Emmys." There's a picture of Kathy next to her dominatrix-themed tree holding a whip (Fig. 3). Lastly, Time may have named Barack Obama is the Person of the Year, but according to In Touch, it's actually David Cook. A handy comparison chart explains that though Obama has more Grammys, David Cook won a higher percentage of Idol's final vote than Obama got in the election, and Cook has more MySpace friends.
Grade: C- (Expired children's cough syrup)

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

Fig. 2

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo

Fig. 3

This Week In Tabloids: Jilted Wives, Jingle Bells & The Return of J.Lo