With the horrifying news that Playboy's Hugh Hefner nearly died in a sex toy accident in the late 1970s, we were forced to wonder: which toy? And which Bunny? Some thoughts (NSFW), after the jump.
Given the assertion that all the Bunnies
get to have to sleep with Hef and get their own sex toys, we figured there was no better place to start that the Bunnies from the 70s we determined seemed most likely to choke the life out of Hef with a sex toy.
Star Stowe, Miss February 1977
While Stowe, in her profile, claims that she admires Hugh Hefner and thinks a great date would be "creeping around old spooky places and getting the hell scared out of you," she admits that one of her turnoffs is "When guys come on too strong and get grabby." That can't have boded well for Hef. Her dream was to become "the most radical, bisexual rock star there ever could be... [with] that pirate butch attitude."
Debra Jo Fondren, Miss September 1977
Despite the obvious guilt-by-association that comes from having a using two first names, Fondren gets less scary when you learn that she's into "bareback riding" — but she prefers "gentle" men and hates "Pushy people, opinionated people, loud people, being rushed, being told what to do," so she doesn't exactly sound right for The Mansion. She does however admit to being a fan of "trap and skeet shooting," which indicates that if she were to off Hef, she probably wouldn't do it with a sex toy.
Ashley Cox, Miss December 1977
Ashley Cox is nominated because of the fact that her picture scared me a little: She looks decidedly unhappy and freaked out to be naked. Also, her name is Cox.
Christina Smith, Miss March 1978
Christina Smith doesn't look freaked as much as she looks sort of annoyed and possibly pissed off, which, for someone with the lofty ambition of modeling in TV commercials, seems sort of out of place. While her turnoffs included "husbands" — which probably impressed Hef — and "'high class' people" — which probably did the same — but who knows how she would have felt once she's bedded him and found out that he wasn't the "decent" man of whom she was dreaming.
Kathryn Morrison, Miss May 1978
If anyone of this crew looks more like she'd shove a sex toy down Hef's throat just to watch him die, it's definitely Kathryn Morrison. She's also not so keen on "Liars and people who think and act like they know everything," which you gotta think Hef isn't the world's most honest lover.
Dorothy Mays, Miss July 1979
With dreams of glory ranging from opening up a men's salon in Maryland to having her own farm, Dorothy Mays is a little bit all over the map, as her sexy-but-I-will-cut-you pose indicates. Her turnoffs include "Jealousy, materialistic people, poor organization," which described Hef to a T, so it's safe to say that didn't end well.
The criteria for this category included objects that can be inserted into the mouth far enough to block respiration if the nose is similarly plugged and could or would be used by women. Thus, we did not include monster dildos or male masturbatory aids. If you know of ways those could be used to choke people, please never tell us.
Ben Wa Balls
Definitely a choking hazard for toddlers, Hef additionally seems like the type of guy who would gladly lick them clean and, if one didn't keep hold of the string, there'd be trouble.
Gross, I know, but I've seen enough anal-to-oral sex porn to know that some people get off on sucking dick that has only recently been removed from someone else's asshole. I guarantee Hef has tried this at least once and, given a little pressure and a wide enough plug, you could definitely choke someone with a butt plug. <br clear=all
If you can shove them up your ass, you can shove them down someone's throat. Enough said.
Pretty much everything I said about Ben Wa balls, but with the addition of mechanical vibration which would have to hurt the back of your throat.
Plug someone's nose and face fuck them with this ("Oh, how do you like it, Hef? Huh? Can't talk, huh? Not so much fun, huh?") and you'll have a dead face-fuckee.
It is designed to gag you. If it was just a little too small and fell off the harness, it could do some damage.
Since Hef doesn't seem to fuck anywhere but his own place, it seems like he'd have to be killed there. The most likely locations were be: the Grotto, the Library, his bedroom, his bathroom, the Playmate's room, and the left wing of the game house (which reportedly consists entirely of a padded floor and a television)
Well, that's up to you! Was it Debra Jo in the grotto with a dildo? Ashley Cox in the library with the anal beads? Kathryn Morrison in the game house with the ben wa balls? Play your own game of Clue in the comments!
Barging into the House of Bunny! [Extra]
Related: Naked Ambition [Radar]
Star Stowe [Playboy]
Debra Jo Fondren [Playboy]
Ashley Cox [Playboy]
Christina Smith [Playboy]
Kathryn Morrison [Playboy]
Dorothy Mays [Playboy]
The Playboy Mansion [Wikipedia]