Caroline Kennedy: Just Carrie From The Block?

Some jokes should just never be made, but when you're stuck on the worst wireless connection in all of New York with a bad C-Schlo-J-Lo comparison by a Queens Congressman, what else can you do?

I made the Huffington Post's Jason Linkins wait for far too long for that joke, and to discuss Terry McAuliffe, the Moran dynasty, Silvestre Reyes' stunning stupidity and how Bobby Jindal is or is not running for President.

MEGAN: Well, there's nothing like getting on the wrong subway and walking 15 blocks in the rain without an umbrella before you drink any coffee to make for a shit day.

JASON: Hey I can imagine.

MEGAN: So, was it you who asked Mamet for his take on Blagojevich? Because it's awesome.

JASON: No! But, yes, that was pretty awesome.

MEGAN: No one is more Mamet than Mamet. Did I mention I had to read Oleanna in college? It seemed like a weird book for a young male professor to assign.

• • • • • 17 minutes • • • • •

MEGAN: Seriously, I think the universe has decided that Crappy Hour is crap today. Let's try and go fast before my broadband card decides it needs to reboot again

JASON: OK. So. Where were we?

MEGAN: I was talking about my hot creative writing professor, George. I always got sidetracked by George.

JASON: OK. I had a hot Art History T.A. that was always a distraction to me.

MEGAN: Anyway, so, Bobby Jindal is supposedly probably definitely not running for President. I think that's a smart move.

JASON: I think probably Bobby Jindal isn't totally not NOT running for President? And that I think just about everyone is in that state of maybe probably sort of not NOT not considering it? And yet visiting Iowa for some reason? Anyway, I think it's a smart move to have press releases out there with the word "president" next to your name.

MEGAN: Especially when you're just randomly going to Virginia to endorse some dude for Governor. Because your name has, like, that much cache. But not because you're maybe running for President. Because you're not. At least, not right now, 3 years and 11 months from the next election. Not that you're thinking about that.

JASON: Ahh. The Virginia governor race. This is what Terry McAuliffe thinks he wants to do with his life.

MEGAN: I think that's kind of hilarious, actually. Terry McAuliffe would make Virginia fun. Way funner than Brian Moran. We could blog about state politics and people might actually read it!

JASON: It's Jim Moran. And a plague of weasels would be about as much fun as him. He's like a sad pile of sweaty cheese. He was a supporter of one of the professional theatres I worked at back in the day, so I've had the joy of seeing him stone asleep in the front row. Does wonders for morale! There are wide swathes of Virginia that are going to look at Terry McAuliffe and see something totally alien to their existence.

MEGAN: No, actually, Jim's brother Brian, a state rep, is running for Governor. Jim Moran's going to be our Congressman for life. Terry McAuliffe, though, is pretty alien-looking.

JASON: EEGGGGHHHH. This fucking state.

MEGAN: It's the Moran dynasty! Only Brian is either not as corrupt and racist as his brother, or is smart enough not to get caught. I've got my suspicions, but I find it hard to call a politician "smart." Especially after this week. Speaking of not-smart politicians, Gary "No Relation To Spencer" Ackerman compared Caroline Kennedy to J-Lo.

JASON: "Caroline Kennedy! She's just like Jennifer Lopez!" THIS is a pitch we're greenlighting during a recession? Really?

MEGAN: She's just Carrie from the block? God, that was a bad joke. Let's just walk quietly away from that wreckage.

JASON: Ha!

MEGAN: Oh, look, Baucus is trying to fuck up the new stimulus bill. He keeps trying to fuck Obama, between this and his health care bill from last month. I didn't even realize there was any enmity there.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and members of the Obama team, for one, want to pass a large-scale SCHIP expansion early next year as one of a handful of moves designed to allow Obama to claim some immediate accomplishments on popular issues.

But Baucus wants to do it now to deny Obama that? Which team is he playing for?

JASON: I've not been able to get my head around Baucus, I must admit. I think threatening the stimulus package now, however, is a moot point. If he can't get the votes now, Obama will have the votes in a couple of months. With the committment shown to this stimulus package and putting infrastructure projects in play, the states can start allocating budget monies right now.

MEGAN: And like the Dems won't waive PAYGO next year? That strains credibility at best.

JASON: The guy who's really made a name for himself on the shit list, is Silvestre Reyes.

MEGAN: Did someone not know he's a dumbass? Though I assume you're talking about his call for Obama to keep McConnell and Hayden as the National Intelligence Director and CIA head, respectively?

JASON: Whoever put him atop the House Intelligence Committee didn't get the memo, and now, per our own Spencer Ackerman, he's pushing for Obama to keep Mike McConnell and Hayden. For the sake of "continuity." Nothing those two men do contribute to any sort of continuity that this country needs.

MEGAN: That "whomever," by the way, was Nancy Pelosi, who ousted Jane Harman despite her being awesome but couldn't put the corrupt Alcee Hastings there. Because they don't like one another.

JASON: I was being coy.

MEGAN: Oh, fuck coy. That was a bad decision.

JASON: Indeed! Check out Reyes position on torture, per Ackerman:

“We don’t want to be known for torturing people. At the same time we don’t want to limit our ability to get information that’s vital and critical to our national security,” he added. “That’s where the new administration is going to have to decide what those parameters are, what those limitations are.”

MEGAN: The limits should be: let's not torture people! Yay! That was easy.

JASON: What this dumbass Reyes needs to get through his thick goddamned skull is that torture VASTLY LIMITS OUR ABILITY TO GET INFORMATION. Meanwhile, it helps to scale up our enemies ability to recruit soldiers to their cause. That leaves us with what, Mr. Reyes? More motherfuckers walking around that you need to torture, I guess? This is all before we get to the part that we have soldiers of our own in the field, who I would rather not see tortured, if you don't mind! Guys like Reyes...sorry...IGNORANT CANDYFUCK DIPSHITS like Reyes, put our fighting men and women in harms' way with their torture-porn pretensions. This guy should be FAR, FAR from the intelligence committee.

MEGAN: But torture is fun! So even if it's completely ineffective, it's, like, revenge.

JASON: You got a House Dumbass Subcommittee on Thumbs Wedged Up Asses, that's fine. Put this fuck Reyes on it.

MEGAN: As long as it's not my thumb.

Send an email to Megan Carpentier, the author of this post, at askalobbyist@gmail.com.

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