This Week In Taboids: Angelina Gets Twins (Again), Michael Jackson Is Dying

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. There's no OK! this week because last week's lame-ass Britney issue was a "double." In related news, the glossy is slashing its newsstand price by 50¢, hoping you'll fall for bargain-basement gossip. But you know what they say: You get what you pay for. In any case, this week the news was mostly about Angelina's baby addiction. She's either got one, two, or three on the way, depending on which magazine you read, because she might be knocked up with a baby, or twins, and she might be getting a little African girl for Christmas. Find out more about her uterus, plus the rare disease Michael Jackson is dying from, as Intern Margaret assists in the filleting of Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.

Us
"Candace Cameron: How I Lost 22 Lbs. On My Own!"
Here is a direct quote from the six-page story: "She started eating less and working out more." Moving on: There's a "Do You Know Who I Am" spread, which reveals Jennifer Love Hewitt's old nose was bigger, Renee Zellweger's old body was bigger, and Amy Poehler's old hair was bigger. Shania Twain broke up with her husband, Mutt Lange, in May, because he was cheating on her with her best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud. Now Shania is hanging out with Marie-Anne's husband, Frédéric Thiébaud. Shania was seen being fed an olive by Frédéric at lunch recently. And they went skydiving together! Next: What has Madonna done to her face? Plastic surgeons who don't treat her say she's using Botox, got a brow lift, has filler under her eyes, cheek implants and may have gotten a subtle mini face lift. Her chin is natural, though. Lastly — and this is exciting — there are four pages of sketches from designers (Carolina Herrera, Badgley Mischka, Zac Posen, Diane von Furstenberg, Oscar de la Renta) of Inauguration evening and day looks for Michelle Obama and the kids!
Grade: D (evisceration)

Life & Style
"Yes, I'm Pregnant!"
Janet Jackson, 42, allegedly sat down the band traveling with her on tour and said, "Guys, we're canceling the rest of the tour. I'm pregnant!" The magazine speaks to Jermaine Dupri's Aunt, who says, "I texted Jermaine a few days ago to ask if Janet's pregnant." His answer? A coy, "not yet." Basically, they won't announce anything until after the first trimester. Moving on: Angelina Jolie has a "new face." A doctor who doesn't treat her thinks it's all Botox, Juvederm, and fillers. Injectables, not surgery (Fig. 1). So in T: The New York Times Style Magazine, Katie Holmes went on and on about how she's not a wallflower; a source says she's doing it now because she wants a Tony. And "She knows she's been portrayed as this kind of Stepford wife, and it was important for her to set the record straight." Also! Tom Cruise has been wearing white Nike Air Force 1s, which add 2 inches to his height! He is a baller. A story called "The Obama Diet" (Fig. 2) has a picture of the President-Elect "running" in a suit, eating a soft shell taco and holding a small bottle of hot sauce. 2009 is gonna be just fine. Gerard Butler wasn't always so hot (Fig. 3)! Gossip Girl's Ed "Chuck Bass" Westwick and Jessica "Vanessa" Szohr were seen Christmas shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond in NYC. "They sure looked like they were a couple," says an eyewitness. Tobey Maguire is, at his wife's request, taking parenting classes: Apparently he spoiled the first kid, and there's a second one on the way. Lastly, in a spread called "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed!" we find out how to "solve" the problem of having a "lean frame" or a "petite frame," like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Oh, and guess what? Ugly Betty's Amanda, Becki Newton, is "pear-shaped."
Grade: D+ (flaying)

In Touch
"It's A Girl."
It will be an "unusual" and "memorable" Christmas: Angelina and Brad are taking the kids to Ethiopia to get their fourth adoption underway. A source says, "They've already picked out a little girl… They don't want Zahara to be the only African in the family." And! Even though Angie hasn't said anything, many, as in the editors of the mag, believe she is carrying baby number 8. Crazytown. Moving on: "Friends" worry Madonna is suffering from a mid-life crisis. "She's obsessed with her appearance, adopted younger friends on tour, and has replaced Guy Ritchie, 40, with 33-year-old Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez." Uh-oh, reporter Ian Halperin says Michael Jackson has "a very severe lung condition called Alpha-1 antitrypson deficiency. He needs a lung transplant. He also has emphysema and chronic gastro-intestinal bleeding. He can barely speak and the vision in his left eye is 95% gone." Oh, Marilyn Manson's new dame is model Isani Griffith, 24. Dude has a type. Is Winona Ryder okay? A source says she seems to be on a "downward spiral" since Rilo Kiley guitarist Blake Sennett ended their relationship in August. In a spread called "Who's Really Cheating," there are tons of blind items (Fig. 4). Joel and Benji Madden spent a week in the Central African Republic as UN Goodwill Ambassadors; Joel plans on raising money for UNICEF's Tap Of Project, which provides safe drinking water. Lastly, Lynda Carter, TV's Wonder Woman says: "Beyoncé's phenomenal. I think the whole idea of her playing Wonder Woman would be great."
Grade: C- (ravaged)

Star
"Angie & Brad: Twins Again!"
Alas, this story does not claim that Angelina is actually pregnant with twins. Instead, it says that Angie is getting "secret" fertility treatments and "trying really hard in the bedroom." So the couple is "gearing up" for twins. A "friend" says "She's 33, she doesn't feel like she has time to sit around and wait." Angelina is also eating yams, which are supposed to increase her chances of having twins. Orange juice, too. Oh, and fertility drugs. But Angelina and Brad are fighting, because Brad wants the babies to be born in New Orleans, and Angie wants them to be born somewhere "exotic," like India. Meanwhile, Maddox wants Brad and Angie to get married, so there's a wedding scheduled for June. All the kids will be in the wedding party. (There are elaborate descriptions of the proposed wedding venue, at a lodge in the Ozark mountains — with entire paragraphs dedicated to the fireplace and where to put the carved meat.) But Angie and Brad don't want it to be splashy like Brad's wedding to Jen because, "They don't want to be showy during these hard financial times." Moving on: Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein: Dunzo! Lo Bosworth is avoiding Lauren Conrad — she's sick and tired of the inflated ego and sense of entitlement. Blind item! "Which actress is so messed up, she's seeing shrinks on both costs? Only, they've been giving her conflicting advice, and the back-and-forth has made her more wacky than ever." By the by, Jennifer Aniston is a fan of "Pokies," the plastic nipples that slide in under a bra. Suri Cruise loves Dora The Explorer's cousin Diego, and has asked her mom to get her one. The mag actually prints these words: "Katie's not about to pop one out just to so Suri can have a playmate. Even if she were to get pregnant again, there's no guarantee she'd have a boy — or that she'd name him Diego." Did Oprah have a non-surgical procedure called Thermage to take care of the bags under her eyes? A doctor who does not treat her says she got blepharoplasty (eyelid surgery). Rachel Zoe weighs 89 lbs. (Fig 5). "I've never seen her eat, only smoke," says an insider. Clay Aiken has a new boyfriend. The lucky guy is a Broadway dancer named Reed Kelly, from the ensemble cast of Wicked. Even though People magazine painted him as a great dad last week, Star says "Booze, weed and hookers are a big part of Kevin Federline's lifestyle." Next, there's an article about Britney's manhunt, and the mag creates a quasi-funny internet dating profile for the pop star. Lastly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt may have a baby on the way: Spencer sees all these celebrities making cash on baby pictures, and he wants in! Heidi was dragging her feet, but he's convinced her, so look for a little money-grubber in the over early next year. Oh, and they think having a Newlyweds-type show featuring them as parents would be a huge hit. Plus, they only go to the apartment they "live" in on the show to film scenes. "That place is practically a set," says a source.
Grade: C (ruined)

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Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.

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