They know when you've been naughty, they know when you've been nice. No, not Santa and his elves — Cosmo's Bedside Astrologers! They have extremely specific knowledge of what you and your partner are doing in bed. For instance, if you're a Pisces and he (although January Cosmo does include an article on a rare breed known as the "lesbian," their astrologers are only concerned with heteros) is a Gemini, then he enjoys "lying perpendicular to your body while giving you oral." But if you're a Sagittarius and he's a Scorpio, he's probably "pressing a vibrator against your va-jay-jay" this very second. None can hide from Cosmo — not you, not your man, not your va-jay-jay. More of the magazine's wisdom, after the jump.

Send an email to Anna North, the author of this post, at annanorth@jezebel.com.