This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

This is Wednesday, therefore this is Midweek Madness. Britney's comeback, crisis and "deadly diet" dominated the covers this week, with three out of five magazines using her as the main image. Us still maintains that Heidi and Spencer are wed, despite the fact that most of the other weeklies call the elopement a "hoax." (Us: Best Headline Ever.) Find out "Who's Really Pregnant" and "How They Got Thin Fast," with the assistance of Intern Margaret, as we judge the worth of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, OK! and Star, after the jump.

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Life & Style

"How They Got Thin Fast." This "story" is really an ad for a weight-loss supplement called Nutrition53, which is an "all-natural shake" that Angelina Jolie, Sarah Palin, Britney Spears and Cindy Crawford all supposedly use. The only source for the piece is the creator of Nutrition53, former NFL star Bill Romanowski. Moving on: Amy Poehler "revealed" her post-baby body by leaving her house and attending a museum gala in NYC. The Beckhams and the Cruises are friends again, and hung out in NYC over Thanksgiving weekend. (In case you forgot, they were "feuding" in part because The Cruises skipped Romeo Beckham's star-studded birthday party in September, and the Beckhams never went to see Katie on Broadway.) An insider says even though Britney's been going on blind dates, her daddy doesn't approve; he thinks dating is not a priority right now. There's a handy chart revealing the 8 ladies Michael Phelps has hooked up with since the Olympics. The mag jokes he may set a new record. He's been dating #8, a cocktail waitress from the Palms, for a bit and took her home for Thanksgiving. He calls her "boo" and sends her texts which read, "Hey, boo, I miss you." John Mayer "put on a show" for the paparazzi on November 27th in NYC when he jumped on a car and started acting like a monkey and shouting "Happy Thanksgiving!" On his blog, he claims he was performing a tasteful re-enactment of Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video. Lastly, This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, Kelly Ripa looks "a little tired" and needs Botox or Scarlett Johansson's eyes (Fig 1).

Grade: F (bankrupt)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

OK!

"Britney In Crisis!" When Brit was in France, a French critic wrote of her performance: "She is still a little shy in her choreography, and hiding behind those big smiles that stand in for an actual speech." Even though Britney is having this "comeback," an insider tells the mag: "It's too much for her. They packed her schedule too tight and now they're trying to find free time." Moving on: Jennifer Aniston spent Thanksgiving moving into her new "Balinese-inpsired" Beverly Hills home. Page 10 asks the nagging question, "Who looks perfect in an eyepatch?" (Fig. 2) Wondering how Anne Hathaway bounced back after her breakup with her felonolious ex? She says: "I quit drinking. I quit meat and fish. I'm doing this vaguely vegan thing. And I feel really good." Christina Aguilera wants to have another kid, and her style is "inspired by Blondie, Jane Birkin, and also Nico from the Velvet Underground. I'm going for that '60s and '70s mod look." There are two pages of "Suri's Style Rules." Do: Accessorize your ensemble with a dolly. Don't: Go out at night without a cozy wrap. (Fig. 3). Brad Pitt wants Angelina Jolie to reconnect with her dad, Jon Voight. A source says, "His thought is, you only get one mother and one father. Even if they are not the best, they are still your family." Without A Trace actress Roselyn Sanchez got married in Puerto Rico, and there are six pages of exclusive photos, including a shot of her dog going down the aisle in a white, flower-filled wagon. If you care. Lastly, in an exclusive interview with Rachel Zoe, she says if you have $100 to spend on spring clothes, "I would go to a thrift shop and get as many vintage dresses as I could find. And pick up some great accessories and scarves. You can change a whole look by accessorizing." Earth-shattering!

Grade: D- (dirt-poor)



This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Us

"Her Mom's Fury." Heidi Montag called her mother from Mexico and told her she'd eloped on the day that the Us issue with the wedding cover story hit stands. Her mom says, "My heart just sank." In this sad, sad story, Darlene Egelhoff, Heidi's mom, says, "I was devastated. Why would she elope? I think it's the biggest mistake Heidi's ever made." The mag asks Darlene how she felt when she saw the wedding pix in Us and she says: "I bawled my eyes out. I was so sad I didn't get to shop for a dress and be involved." Darlene was 20 when she got hitched and claims, "I know I got married when I was too young and for all the wrong reasons." Then, in an interview with Heidi and Spencer, the mag questions when the union will be legalized. Spencer says: "As soon as we get back, I'm on it. In my mind, it's as legal as this ring on my finger. But I wouldn't want everyone going around saying it's not real." Moving on: While all the other mags claim thin is in, Us notes that Fergie gained 13 lbs. for her role as a prostitute in the musical Nine; Beyoncé gained 15 lbs. to play Etta James in Cadillac Records and Mad Men's January Jones claims, "We're encouraged not to work out, because women then weren't as defined. In a spread titled "This Is Your Future," we learn that Taylor Momsen will soon be Lindsay Lohan, and Blake Lively is decades away from becoming Candace Bushnell (Fig 4). Jessica Simpson has moved into Tony Romo's house in Irving, Texas. A source says, "Now it's Tony, Jess and his roommate!" Beyoncé has donated her Cadillac Records salary to drug treatment facility Phoenix House. Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal and Gwyneth Paltrow had Thanksgiving dinner at the townhouse of architect Lord Richard Rogers. Salman Rushdie was also in attendance, and Reese chatted with him about books. A "pal" of Alex Rodriquez says: "I'm not surprised he follows [Madonna] all over the world. They're in love, dude." Apparently during her concert, when Madonna sang the lyrics, "Deep in my heart I'm concealing/Things that I'm longing to say" she stared "pointedly" at A-Rod in the front row. A source on Britney's comeback: "She cries all the time. Everyone is worried." Also, the bi-polar meds make her weird: "She's drowsy and she has a hard time retaining information. She's not ready for all this." Lastly, there's a four-page story called "Hollywood Baby Names A To Z," starting with Archie Arnett and ending with Zuma Rossdale.

Grade: D+ (broke)



This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Star

"Brit's Deadly Diet!" Britney is using Topamax, a medication used to prevent seizures, because it's supposed to suppress her appetite. It's sometimes called Dopamax, because it can cause users to act spaced out. Anna Nicole Smith had Topamax in her system when she died. It also makes Brit anxious, and she's always tired — but she can't sleep, because her mind races. She's also taking diuretics. "She downs like 15 pills every morning from vitamins to painkillers to the pills she needs to function mentally, like Xanax and Valium as well as Topamax," says a source. "After lunch she has more… Everyone thinks she still throws up when she's eaten too much, both at home and in restaurants. You can smell it in the bathroom." There's a sidebar called "Starving For Love" and it claims that Britney is making sure all the dancers on her upcoming tour are single and straight to increase her chances of getting a date. Moving on: Amy Sedaris is on the cover of Singular, a magazine we've never heard of. But she looks cute! Next: Courteney Cox and Jennfer Aniston are feuding over John Mayer: CC does't trust John since the first breakup and asked Jen not to bring John to their weekly Sunday dinners. Heidi and Spencer's wedding is a "hoax": All the details sound "fishy" and they "put one over" on fans. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are obsessed with Brangelina; they named their kid Bronx because they liked how Angelina used names with X at the end, like Maddox, Pax and Knox. Ashlee worried over being perceived as a copycat, so Pete "labored" over a name that was similar but unique. Mischa Barton might replace Lindsay Lohan on Ugly Betty? Oprah has a $100 million jewelry collection, and Michelle Obama can borrow whatever she wants! Blind item: "Which singer has an interesting way of keeping her marriage spicy? She and her husband are notorious for inviting beautiful young women back to their bed." If you haven't already seen pictures of Kristen Stewart of Twilight smoking the Mary Jane, they're here. "She loves to smoke weed," a source says. Apparently, a while back, Jamie Lynn Spears had SmartLipo — the injectable fat dissolver — because she wanted a tummy as flat as Britney's. Her mom pulled strings to get her treated, even though she was underage, but what neither of them knew was that Jamie Lynn was pregnant at the time! Now she worries the baby might have brain damage. A source says Angelina and Brad are expecting two more kids: Angie's name is on an adoption list, and she and Brad are trying to get knocked up so that both children will come home around the same time. Angie wants the adopted kid to be from Ethiopia or Mali. The rest of the magazine is filler: 12 pages of random celebs-with-babies pictures and eight pages of a 2008 holiday gift guide.

Grade: C- (scraping by)



This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

In Touch

"Who's Really Pregnant?" Five months after giving birth to Sunday Rose, Nicole Kidman has a "suspiciously round belly." Or maybe she just had a baby? The mag also claims that Jennifer Aniston's "bump mystery" grows — she has stopped drinking and dying her roots, or, at least, they have a picture of her hair with an arrow pointing at the roots. Mary-Kate Olsen may be pregnant because she is "looking curvier." But an insider tells the mag she is not pregnant. Katie Holmes might be pregnant because Nicole Nelson, from Brooklyn, NY, who attended All My Sons, says: "Her bump was apparent" during the play. "At first, I thought she had just gained weight. But it was very obvious that it was just her stomach that was sticking out." Next: In an exclusive interview with Alli Sims, Britney's cousin and former assistant, Alli says Britney's parents are using her for money. "How can they say Britney is sick and then shove her out on the road with all that pressure?" And! She thinks they made up Britney's mental illness to get control of Britney and her $102 million fortune. Is Twilight's Robert Pattinson living a lie? An insider whose friend dated Pattinson for a couple of months says he said he grew up poor in London and his dad used to drive cabs; but actually he was raised in a wealthy suburb and his father imported and sold classic cars. In an interview, Pattinson claimed, "I'm really boring. I just stay at home, watch TV and eat a lot of fast food." But! A staffer at Chateau Marmont says: "He is here partying a lot. He seems to be having the time of his life." Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are planning a secret wedding to take place in March in Costa Rica. There will be no engagement — just a wedding. Is A-Rod cheating on Madonna? He went to some club in Miami and a clubgoer says, "He didn't seem like a guy in love to me." He asked for some chick's number. Also, he's been flirting with Wilhelmina model Melissa Britos, and her friend says A-Rod is obsessed with Melissa. He was seen dropping Melissa off at her hotel at 7 am, and she was wearing the same clothes she'd worn the night before. "They're Too Young For Plastic Surgery" alleges that Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford had a nose job and Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox are using Botox (Fig 5). Heidi and Spencer's marriage is a sham: They had a deal with Us to provide a certain number of cover stories each year, and the wedding was staged. Heidi and Spencer said they wed "on a whim," but in Mexico, the process takes 3 days, requires blood tests and appointments with the registry office. Oh, and there's no marriage license. A spy says they're already planning their annulment as an "exclusive"; they will claim they got caught up in the moment. All this might be because they're the only ones from The Hills without their own spin-off show.

Grade: C+ (strapped for cash)




Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Fig. 2

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Fig. 3

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Fig. 4

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?

Fig. 5

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Deadly Diet, Heidi's Hoax, Mary-Kate Knocked Up?