Sampling The "Sexy" Sex Advice In CosmoIf there's one thing Cosmo is known for, it's the sex. From sex positions to the quizzes to pitching products that are supposed to make you happier in bed, Cosmo has the most sexual content of any mainstream women's magazine. So I decided to see what my life would be like if I followed every single piece of sex advice the rag had to offer. (Except for that baloney about orgasm faces. I'm not interested in putting on a performance during my climax.) Some of it was disappointing, some of it was triumphant, but it all involved sex, so none of it could be that bad right? Right!?#1 "…Make him lose his shirt." There's a one-page layout in the front of the book that offers a handful of random ideas on want to do in the month of December. The different suggestions are wholly unrelated and don't seem to work toward a common goal, other to give women who have no idea how to spend the next 31 days something to do, but one of them is sex advice related:
Why don't you make him lose his shirt. Betting on funny stuff with your guy will turn this into one very sexy month. For example, wager whether your your boss will rock his reindeer tie at the office party. Competition amps up sexual tension, so once you win, ask for a heavenly full-body massage.
I was down with this one, as I love massages, sexual tension, and gambling. My man and I were already in the middle of a Trivial Pursuit kick when I happened upon this tip, so I suggested that the next time we play, we ante up some sex acts. He loved this. I, of course, opted for a full body massage, per Cosmo's wisdom, and then I received this email of the top five sex acts he'd like if he won, that he sent from work:
1) Full BJ: no time limit, no evidence (as in: swallowing) 2) Titty spray! 3) Um, how bout Hitachi plus doggy-style plus lubed finger in ass? That could be good. 4) Interbreastsial coitus followed by jizz reservoir in that little throat valley (you can throw in the Hitachi cuz I'm not a sore winner) 5) A long, luxurious foot rub. Kidding! Ball trim into HJ into ride em cowboy, silly! And that's just off the top of my head! Better brush up on your sports...
The only one I wasn't into was number one, mainly because the volume of his ejaculate is so freakishly large that I don't think I'd be able to handle it without some coming out of my nose. The next time we played Trivial Pursuit, I won. By the time we were done, though, I was too tired to cash in on my full body rub. (I wanted the works and didn't want to use up my massage on a quickie rub down.) The next day we played, but I was three sheets to the wind and feeling sick, so no one was feeling sexy. We played again the next night (we haven't been getting out much), and it took us both so long to actually land in the center spot and answer correctly that when he finally won I had to go to bed, so I told him he'd have to take a rain check, which he's yet to cash. Now there's this slight tension between us because we spend our down time after work playing long ass board games that go till all hours of the morning, leaving me too tired to make good on his sex wagers. He thought that there was something wrong because I had this awesome fun idea to boost our sex life, but hadn't followed through on the sex. It had gotten to this point where I felt like we couldn't have sex again until I can fulfill one of the acts listed above, so I was avoiding sex altogether, kinda like when you mean to return an email correspondence, but then you forget, and then before you know it, too much time has passed. In the meantime, he's all worried that I'm one of those mythical women who, once she's gotten a man to make a lifelong commitment, they suddenly stops putting out. Thanks, Cosmo, for giving us an issue I never thought I'd ever encounter. #2 "Four Sex Surprises Guys Love" On page 72, Cosmo tells me that guys are "truly blown away when you throw a little unexpected twist into the mix-which is not to say that you need to be crazy. Just try one of these subtle suggestions to have the desired effect." Okay, I thought, this should be pretty awesome. First one up: a.) Get Frisky Before Freshening Um, done and done. I work from home, which means I rarely get out of a muumuu or my PJs, even when walking the dog, so seeing me all done up has turned into a rare occasion for the dude. Secondly, ever since I discovered dry shampoo, I've pretty much whittled down my hygiene practices to a weekly shower. To put it nicely, I can't remember the last time we had sex and I couldn't smell my own butt. b.) Be His Steamy Alarm Clock Apparently, "every guy fantasizes about being woken up by a woman who's already gotten the action started." I interpreted this to mean that when a guy has morning wood, you're supposed to start sucking on it before he wakes up. This was a total fail on my part. I have to wake up really early for work, and I keep my laptop next to my bed and jump right into my day as soon as I open my eyes. Each morning, I mentally debated an attempt at this, but I was always too busy, and frankly, if I'm gonna crawl back into bed with him, you best believe my pillow, not his penis, will be receiving head. c.) Stay Semiclothed OK, TMI time! I was wearing some nude thigh-length Spanx, and I was trying to avoid having the dude see me in them, because I feel they were the antithesis of sexy. But he walked in on me getting changed and he was like, "What are you wearing." I mumbled, "A girdle." Confused he said, "A girl hole?" And I was like, "No, it's Spanx. It's like a girdle, but actually, it does kind of have a 'girl hole.'" And then I showed him the easy-access crotch-opening, and his face lit up. Then he ate me out through my "girl hole." d.) Turn On The Lights Snooze. But yeah, check. It's kinda the same either way, I think. #3 "Sex Up Your Primping" In a little blurb on page 115, Cosmo tells me to put on my makeup while half-dressed. However, what Cosmo doesn't know is that I put on my makeup stark naked while listening to T.I., and my fiancé seems to really enjoy it. #4 "Make Sex Even Sexier" In a two-page spread, Cosmo urges me to "get all five senses working at once" while having sex, and provides a "sensory menu" for me to follow. I was a little concerned about this one (see #2, part A), but I went for it. The three menus are broken down into Sensual, Spicy, and Steamy. For "sensual" I was supposed to eat chocolate with him, look into his eyes, light a candle, assemble a playlist of sexy songs and get naked in flannel sheets. Instead, we ate Andy Capp Hot Fries, looked at the TV, lit cigarettes and lounged naked in my T-shirt sheets. It was great! The "spicy" menu wanted me to listen to world music. I'd rather never have sex again than have sex with a man who would be able to maintain an erection while listening to that stuff. The "steamy" menu required me to go on a tropical vacation and do some stuff with coconuts. I'll get back to you on how this worked out when I win the lottery. So that's it. For the most part, I think these tips made my sex life a lot more generic than normal, however, I'm still working on paying off my debt of the sex bet. I'm good for it, I swear! Cosmpolitan [Official Site] Earlier: Well Isn't The Cosmo "Sexy Issue" Just A Sexy Breath Of Fresh Sexual Sexy Sex Air!