Earlier today, I was reading a story on World Net Daily about how Playboy CEO Christie Hefner was refusing to fly to Scotland to be grilled by their Members of Parliament over their marketing of Playboy-branded products — like this 3" Hefner Lego-esque doll — to children. Hefner denies the pencil-cases, notebooks and (presumably) children's toys were intended to be marketed to anyone under 18. And, although I presume that there are actual adults that buy the shlock on the Playboy Store site [link mildly NSFW], I think rational adults would agree that anyone purchasing their stuff probably has a maturity level commensurate with a Scottish high schooler. Examples are, sadly, after the jump.
First up, Playboy's Men's Wear collection which — if you ever wished that assholes could have a warning to women tattooed on their foreheads — is almost a service to womanity. Like this:
Aren't you glad he cleared that up? He reads Playboy not to jack off to Photoshopped pictures of plasticized women in their early 20s, but for the interviews with John Cusack or something. Just don't ask him which article he last enjoyed, because all he'll be able to come up with is the centerfold's favorite animal is. But, if you are out one night and said fratty jerk left this in a wad on his floor after puking on it last night, watch what he takes his money out of to pay for his Bucket of Coors Lights:
I mean, why would he carry around a wallet-sized piece of pornography for when he needs to wank on the run when he can buy a wallet with a naked chick printed on it! Bonus points if he can coherently make a joke to his buddies about "sticking his card in her slot," after which you should run not walk to the nearest exit. But, if the subject of your obviously drunken affection lacks both the T-shirt and was mugged for his classy wallet, there's still one moment that can and should inspire clarity in you when you're back at his place. That moment is when you spot this on his dresser:
"Hollywood Playboy": For when Drakkar is too subtle a fragrance. But, the Playboy lifestyle doesn't stop there! Next up, the Home Store where, in addition to sheets, towels, shower curtains and even wastepaper baskets festooned with the ubiquitous logo, one can buy this ultimate in male necessities:
A mostly black bathrug, so that when he drunkenly pisses on it in the middle of the night, the stains will never show. But there are things for the ladies, too! Because, I guarantee, no man would ever do this to an animal.
You can't buy the Hef jacket unless you guarantee your precious bundle of doggie joy hasn't been neutered, Bob Barker be damned. And with that, it's on to the Women's Store, where high school rebellion against your parents can be lived out for decades to come by buying logo tees proclaiming yourself a fan of a publication that lets you look at other women's sexualized naked bodies! Fuck you, Mom and Dad!
And by "decades," I mean, until you do put on that freshman 15 and stop looking like a prepubescent child, because no one but a skinny 13-year-old could wear this in public. This is, legitimately, a baby doll T-shirt — a shirt that only a child could wear. Maybe those Scots are onto something. And once you're done making a statement to your parents, it's time to make one for the other fashionistas of the world. Did you just love Coach purses a couple of years ago, but feel that their logo is played out and not nearly in keeping with the image you want to portray of yourself? Playboy is here to help.
I buy classier-looking purses at Target. And then there is, as there always is, the question of the shoes. These are actual, legitimate shoes you could — but never, ever should — buy from Playboy.
Tim Gunn would cry. Don't make Tim Gunn cry. And what's an ensemble without jewelry? Since Playboy had Marilyn once upon a time, they just know that diamonds are a girl's best friend, so you can get them at the shop. If you have to.
It'll just cost you $5,000. If you have $5,000 to spend on diamond jewelry, I seriously recommend spending elsewhere. But if you are concerned about being mugged for your fabulous bling, Playboy does have other, more subtle jewelry to accessorize your favorite work outfit.
And they even match! Available in both silver and yellow gold with the appropriate birth stone so small you will never see it unless you look really, really close! At the end of the day, though, the Playboy lifestyle is about a certain hedonistic, sexual lifestyle, so the Playboy Store offers a variety of lingerie options for the distinguished lady for whom Frederick's Of Hollywood lacks a certain something — least of which, naturally, is the Playboy logo. But when it's time to get your sexytime on, nothing says "mature, confident woman in charge of her sexuality" like this little number:
Even if you could fuck in that, why would you ever, ever want to? Playboy Head Called 'Coward' In Marketing-To-Kids Dust-Up [World Net Daily]