Obama Wins: The Not-So-Crappy Morning AfterIt's like I can't stop typing it, but last night the United States of America elected an African-American man the 44th President of the United States. Many parts of America erupted in cheers, while the bitterness that characterized the losing campaign (and its supporters) continued to appear as small, oozing, pus-filled zits over the face of this great nation. And they're totally the kind of zits that just get redder and more infected when you pick at them! But, Moe Tkacik and I refuse to have our happiness ruined, so in between wondering at the fact that we just elected Barack Obama, we talk about California's Prop 8, conservatives, the gold standard and all those assholes who had no problem booing Obama last night at John McCain's otherwise incredibly gracious concession speech. You know, picking at this nation's oozing whiteheads.MOE: Well, at least we still have The Corner MEGAN: Aw, too bad SUCKAH. Go drink you bitter juice in your bitter house and cling to your God and your guns and your false idea that this country belongs to you and yours and always has and always will. We won, square and fair despite everything your guys tried to do to keep Americans from voting — and it was the biggest turn out since women got the right to vote. MOE: What's there to agonize about here? MEGAN: Four years in a WH, which he's already done, vs. the rest of his life in a House seat, with increasing power. I don't know, I'm a big believer in the legislative branch, I want some big guns in it. Every President tries to increase the power of the Executive at the legislative's expense, and look where it's gotten us. We should also talk about the end of gay marriage in California, the dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day. MOE: I guess, but this WH, elected by much wider margins than his last, occupied by a much more historically significant holder than that administration, versus 434 other guys, no precarious minority to try and hold on to, etc. etc. So…where do we begin? For some reason I woke up this morning thinking of the moment when he thanked his two sisters by name and then addressed all his other brothers and sisters, and I thought not of that new illegal immigrant guy but the guy running a small business in Shenzhen. I bet that guy had a pretty good party this morning. MEGAN: I think most people had pretty good parties, from the looks of things. I was actually sort of fascinated last night, flipping channels, Juan Williams, Eugene Robinson and Roland Martin (Fox, MSNBC, and CNN, respectively) were all crying. I mean, these are men who, while not anchors, are literally quite close to the tops of their professions, and yet it took this to make them feel actually accepted, was the sense that I got. It was kind of amazing. MOE: Seventy four million dollars spent Proposition 8, oy. In a state flirting with default with an awe-inspiring foreclosure rate where 30$ of car purchases in 2007 were financed with home equity, someone has seventy four million dollars to spend on this stupid thing. I'm actually not that sad about it right now. It's a "Yup, still America!" moment. Hundreds of thousands of people in that state voted in the first black president while simultaneously voting to exclude gays from an exponentially more quotidian "institution," an "institution" one associates in much of that state with Vegas. What is the divorce rate in California anyway? Oh god, whatever. MEGAN: The Institution of Straight Marriage, brought to you by the Knights of Columbus and the Church of Latter Day Saints. MOE: One of my favorite discoveries in the context of researching Barney Frank was an Orange County former congressman named BIll Dannemeyer who sponsored a bill to expel Barney Frank over his whorescandal. MEGAN: Please tell me he was a client. MOE: No no no, he was one of those rare rabid homophobes who just seemed to me to be indiscriminately obsessed with everything he finds to be "outrageous." MEGAN: You mean "one of those rare rabid homophobes" that isn't self-loathing and obsessed with other men's penii, right? MOE: Right one of those rare rabid homophobes that isn't a self-hating homo I guess? I called him up; at this point he is a lot less fascinated by gay sex — he did maintain it was an unhealthy lifestyle that had no doubt taken a toll on Barney Frank's rectum — than he is by the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and the Council of Foreign Relations, which control everything. MEGAN: Angelina Jolie is part of the cabal? MOE: Look, I should probably not make generalizations about these right-wing people. MEGAN: Also, isn't Barney a top? MOE: Well, his whore was a bottom, but that was in 1985. I am not going to speculate, again I am not actually that interested in this topic, and like I said I am pleased to report Bill Dannemeyer has moved on as well. MEGAN: To blaming the vicious CFR and Federal Reserve cabal. MOE: Now he is outraged by the myths of Western medicine and agribusiness — he is a vegan pronounced veGANNE — and also the European laws against Holocaust denial. MEGAN: So, did he vote for Bob Barr or John McCain? MOE: And Alan Greenspan. He has been advocating a return to the gold standard for some time. IN ANY CASE, I am just telling you that California is an odd place, with a perspective permanently warped by an overabundance of beauty, sun, space, time spent in cars and optimism but nevertheless permanently changing, And I'm pretty sure he wrote in Ron Paul, for whom he had much esteem. MEGAN: Oh, well, if you had said gold standard I would have known. If you watch enough Fox News, you see a lot of gold commercials, it's pretty humorous, though I doubt a return to the gold standard is what Nicolas Sarkozy meant when he said he wanted us to all rethink Bretton Woods. MOE: Another happy discovery I made in the course of reporting this was Paul Kanjorski, congressman from Scranton, PA, who held onto his seat in the face of a formidable challenge from the rabidly anti-immigration mayor of Hazelton, PA last night. Kanjorski is a dead ringer for my late grandfather, who also happens to be from Scranton, although my grandfather was Irish and Kanjorski does not strike me as a particularly Irish name, but the point is none of this stuff matters and what really endeared me to the guy was his testimony on the Finance Committee, where his skepticism toward the Federal Reserve Board of Governors will surely make Bill Dannemeyer proud. But hey, this election was about other folks than old white guys. MEGAN: Hazelton is a weird place that I drive past every time I drive home and have attempted to avoiding stopping in because of said mayor. I don't want to give him the tax revenue. So, congrats Kanjorski! MOE: I hear Philly was totally awesome last night. MEGAN: Hell, I heard D.C. was awesome last night, but I was too busy working and then too tired to go check it out. MOE: Ha, I love this: McCain lost because he pandered insufficiently to the base. MEGAN: Crazy Michelle Bachmann won, by the way, if you wanted to be bummed by something other than Prop 8 in California. MOE: OH Jesus Christ SERIOUSLY? MEGAN: Right, independent voters didn't vote for McCain because he wasn't right wing enough! Keep thinking that, GOP! MOE: But no, here's my public service to you guys: McCain lost because voters changed their minds. They turn out to have them. MEGAN: Shhh! Don't help! Let them keep thinking that the way to win independent voters is be more right-wingnutty, more against immigration, meaner, more anti-Muslim, more cutting taxes for the wealthy. Obama will need 2 terms to not be GHWB. MOE: Also, it looks like that guy's numbers are off. Also bummed about Al Franken losing. But whatever, VIRGINIA. Not since Pocahantas had I really pegged you as a beacon of tolerance and inclusiveness. MEGAN: I know, I almost feel like I could maybe stop apologetically telling people I'm from upstate New York now despite the fact that I've lived almost my entire adult life here (in Virginia). MOE: Which brings us to: John McCain. Such a great speech. Such a poignant moment. Such despicable fans. I was blown away! I wonder what he was thinking looking out at all those douchebags. I was also surprised to see all his weird rage toward Obama seem to melt so thoroughly away. "Extraordinarily gracious," yes; wow. MEGAN: I couldn't believe that either! I was watching here going, well, who the fuck wrote that speech, and, damn, am I glad that he didn't write the other ones. Because that was the 2000-era John McCain that Democrats used to swoon over. And, yeah, those people last night, like, damn. Do you have to have a political operative come out and be like, "Hey, people, the eyes of the world are upon us like they have been for the last few weeks, so could you please try showing everyone that Republicans and McCain supporters are a gracious lot?" Hell, maybe they did. MOE: What else do we have to say? Lehman Brothers died so hope could live. Thank you Hank Paulson for the random little policy inconsistency that sealed the election. And thank you by extension Dick Fuld for being such a uniquely unsympathetic character that not even Hank Paulson your white megawealthy brother in plutocratic whiteness did not want to help you. MEGAN: Thanks, GOP, for delivering such bad candidates (Jim Gillmore) and hate-filled campaigns (Elizabeth Dole) that even your own voters rejected your candidates. We couldn't have done it without your hubris and incompetence. MOE: I cried. I cried the whole way up on the train. I even cried reading Vibe's idiotic "election issue" which also explains the five variables you need to choose a good Cognac, one of them being "region," which is not actually a variable if you have already decided to go drink cognac, but whatever. yes, I cried reading about Will.i.am. Yeah what the fuck, Liddy Dole? MEGAN: Apparently, it's okay to hit below the belt if you are losing. Did you know it's the first time since the 50s that neither a Bush nor a Dole is serving in elected office? It's true! MOE: That's insane. See, those names I guess I always equated with a sort of moderate conservatism I guess I should have equated with an entrenched and amoral power it would defend by any means at any costs MEGAN: I don't think that those things are mutually exclusive. I think moderate conservatism is, in fact, the way to defend entrenched and amoral power. MOE: My head hurts. Is this over? I think I need to shower. I lost my wallet again last night. MEGAN: It's lower taxes, higher spending, foreign wars to distract the populace but not really dangerous ones that would shift the balance of power, it's keeping the government out of your lives as long as you're not gay or don't wish to use birth control or have an abortion.