Dear Marie Claire Blogger Rich Santos, We loved your recent post, "What I Learned From Stalking Katie Holmes," in which you mention your need for a wing-woman, someone capable of "managing my public relations by putting me in a great light." You're so charming, from your fresh, unstereotypical observations in "8 Ways I'm Like a Woman" to your sensitive portrayal of stalking, that we can't imagine why you can't get women on your own. But if you really need a wing-woman, we really hope you pick her from the Jezebel staff!First of all, we really love your attitude toward women. You've got high standards; "I only meet a handful of girls that are attractive to me," you say. And no wonder! Most girls you knew growing up "were somewhat irrational and too emotional, and very unpredictable. They were nothing like my guy friends - they made sense." Seriously, why can't a woman be more like a man? Because while your self-proclaimed cluelessness about women is totally adorable, you really understand men! Especially gay ones. We loved it when you went to a gay bar and "it immediately became apparent that I could have sex with any of these guys I wanted to." You're so right! Of course, your favorite guy at the bar was the one making fun of other guys for being so gay. We, too, love a good gay joke, just like your friend Margaret, who "broke into laughter" when you did a "perfect impersonation" of a "passing gay man (if he was straight he was very feminine)." See, we love the way you stay open-minded even when delivering hilarious homosexual humor. But maybe our favorite thing about you is your description of the kind of wing-woman you need. She must know who you think is attractive (a small and exclusive club, we realize), but the wing-woman's job requires so much more! You write,
I'll need to train her to understand the seamless silent communication that happens between a guy and his wing-man. I think girls are capable of becoming quality wingers; but that intangible communication is natural between people of the same gender, but must be taught if it is to happen between a guy and a wing-woman.
Once trained, she must start "managing your public relations." Your friend Margaret "could have helped with a statement that made me look good and sparked conversation into the right direction to eventually get me a phone number," but she failed. We won't let you down! And since you already count us among your friends, we'd be perfect for the all-important job of helping you get some. Call us! PS. A "surrey" is a type of carriage, like in Oklahoma! Katie Holmes's daughter's name is Suri. See, we're already helping! What I Learned From Stalking Katie Holmes [Marie Claire]