This morning, as I sat in a hotel room far from home, I came across this gem: "40 Unwritten Rules To Live By," provided by the fine folks at Men's Health. I'm not quite sure how these rules can remain unwritten, now that someone has taken the time to, um, write them down and such, but there are some pretty strict rules for livin' involved that the Men's Health crew thinks every male should follow. Some of them make sense, and some of them are completely insane, but most of them, if nothing else, are unintentionally hilarious. Let's take a look at a few, shall we?
- Rule Number 10: Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis. As I do not have a penis, I'm not sure I understand the logic behind this one. If you're going to get a tattoo, and you want it to be visible, you might as well go all out, yeah?
- Rule Number 13: Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her. I honestly don't even have anything sassy to say about this, as my immediate reaction was, "Oooh, ouch. Yeah." Well played, Men's Health. Well played.
- Rule Number 17: Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk. Hold up, son. You can buy candy at kiosks! Maybe you shouldn't buy your significant other a gift at a kiosk, but if you're going to Suzy Whosit from Accounting's office birthday party, a little knick knack or a bag of Peanut M&M's never hurt anybody.
- Rule Number 19: Do not bring lunch to work. In this economy? Are you out of your mind, Men's Health? Sexy is as sexy does, and if Pete wants to bring a peanut butter sandwich to work in order to, you know, pay off his student loans and afford to stay in his own apartment so he doesn't have to move back in with mom and dad, well, that's the hotness right there.
- Rule Number 20: Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars. This, I believe, is the Men's Health equivalent of the "Girls, don't you love shoes! You're so girly, girls! Rainbows are totally like the shoes of the skies, girls!" crap you'd see in certain women's magazines.
- Rule Number 31: Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon. Ugh. Really, Men's Health? Really???
- Rule Number 33: The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed. That may be true, but if she sees you walking up with this list in your hands, the way she runs as fast as she can in the opposite direction should be enough to let you know that you're never, ever going to find out.
- Rule Number 14: Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works. Oh, sweet, sweet irony. You never let us down.