Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildFor this week's installment of Woman Alive, we take a look at the volume Talking with Your Child. It's actually not so much about talking to your child, or to anyone for that matter. It's really just about looking at pictures of babies and kids, with the occasional explanation that they will destroy your life in one way or another, but parenthood be the best thing you've ever accomplished…unless the kids turn into pot-smoking hippies. Then you're just screwed. Anyway, let's open up that dialogue.I know I'm always saying that these books aren't made for women, but for extraterrestrials who want to understand humans. That was confirmed when I looked at the table of contents for this volume. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS The book starts off with an introduction called "The Unchanging Child," and it features a bunch of images of children through the ages. This one of Madonna and child makes me very uncomfortable. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS I guess I just didn't know that Jesus was born with genitalia so similar to Chyna Doll's. Then there's this terrifying portrait of an argument for sterilization. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS Clearly, his direct descendant is Seth Green. Woman Alive: Talking With Your Child This photo was part of a collage about children developing personalities. If you ask me, the dog is totally upstaging this kid and his boring toy. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS He's got LOL material written all over him! Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS This photo was in the chapter about how precious and beautiful babies are. The caption reads: "Does anything renew your faith and hope in life as much as the endearing, appealing, heart-warming smile of your beloved baby?" I dunno. I wouldn't let that kid kiss me, what with that herpes sore chillin' by her lip. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS I know that I say that herpes is whatevs and all, but up top is the only place where I don't have herpes, and I'm certainly not about to contract an STD unless the "S" is involved. Know what I'm sayin'? And now it's time for our "Future Serial Killers of America" segment. Let's hurt animals! Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS And build dirty bombs! Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS And demonstrate an acquired taste for human brains! Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS And now it's time for our "Future Homosexuals of America" segment. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS He's all, "You want me to wear that? Where's the wow factor here?" This was perhaps the most helpful thing in the entire book. This is a proposed craft project to teach your children where babies come from. Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS So, apparently the origin of babies has something to do with a donkey with balls that poops out sperm tails. Hmm...An ass with balls that poops out sperm? Hey little boy, I have a decal with a "wow factor" for ya! Woman Alive: Talking With Your ChildS Earlier: Woman Alive: How To Decorate Without Going Broke Woman Alive: The American Family In Trouble Woman Alive: Food For Life, Love, And Looks Woman Alive: Discover A Lovelier You