Everywhere we look, we're seeing men with mustaches. Eugene Hutz, the singer from Gogol Bordello, who stars in Madonna's new movie, has an elaborate gypsy stache. There's My Name Is Earl's Jason Lee, who rocks a scraggly stache. Fey Friends, the blog that gave us the worst hairdos from old issues of Playgirl, has just posted (NSFW!) Worst Of Playgirl: Trash Staches. We also got an email today from the American Mustache Institute, asking us to vote for "The Goulet," an award that recognizes the most impactful Mustached American of the past year. But seriously? I questioned the other ladies and almost all of us agree: We're anti-mustache.Obviously, men can do whatever the hell they want with their facial hair. I would never say that a woman shouldn't do something because men don't find it attractive. But with mustaches, you have to wonder: Why? WHY? Unless you pair your stache with a little chin action, like a goatee or beard (case in point: Orlando Bloom) it's just not attractive. Except to Maria, who says: "I LOVE mustaches. Not flimsy little peach fuzz 'staches but full Sellecks." Maybe you love John Waters or Don King. Fair enough. But I propose that mustaches can never truly be sexy, because if they don't remind you of your dad, they'll remind you of other dudes with mustaches, and that is not a good thing. The following photos help illustrate why:
1. If he has has curly hair, you'll realize you're kissing the guy from Welcome Back Kotter. Or Gene Shalit. Not sexy.
2. If the dude is blond, you might be tricked into thinking you're hooking up with Westley from The Princess Bride. But you're not. Also, it looks like a broom. And that's not sexy.
3. This style could be called The Keith Hernandez. It is also: Not sexy.
4. Some staches make guys look more mean. America's Most Wanted: Not sexy.
5. Pat O'Brien is up for the Goulet award. But you just can't date a man with a stache like this. He will leave you a voicemail that says, "You are so fucking hot. I am so fucking into you." Not sexy.
6. End of story. Worst of Playgirl: Trash Staches [Fey Friends] Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year [American Mustache Institute]