Oh, did you hear? Sarah Palin will be in a debate tomorrow! Against, um, well, some guy. John? Jim? Oh, right, Joe Biden. With the relentless coverage of Palin's debate style and tactics from the media, you could be forgiven for forgetting that there will actually be someone else on stage with her besides Liberal Attack Dog Gwen Ifill. The LA Times would like everyone to know that they shouldn't underestimate Palin, while the Washington Post thinks she's disarmingly cute. Politico thinks it's all about her accent and the Wall Street Journal just calls her "formidable," which is laughable. Only the New York Times has the wherewithal to take on both candidates, noting that Biden can't shut up and Palin can be a little vague. Ya think? Do we have to do everything for the media? After the jump, the 10 things you actually need to know about the candidates before they debate.
- Joe Biden never wears pants behind the podium. Ever.
- Sarah Palin carries a derringer in her purse and has a tendencies to discreetly menace her opponents with it when she appears to be losing.
- Joe Biden isn't gaffe-prone. The poor bastard has Tourette's.
- Sarah Palin isn't inarticulate when trying to answer questions. Those are actually what her notecards say.
- There is no such state as "Delaware." Joe Biden made it up and just convinced the rest of the country that it was real, so you really don't have to worry about him winning.
- Sarah Palin was also recently elected governor-in-absentia of Siberia, so she finally has some foreign policy experience.
- Joe Biden will lose the swimsuit portion of the competition.
- ...right up until McCain rushes out to interrupt Palin and takes the stage in a turquoise tankini set with black pumps. The mis-matched shoes will kill you every time.
- Gwen Ifill will channel Barbara Walters and press Joe Biden to confide about the night his first wife was killed, and he'll start to weep.
- The crying will cause Palin to chortle audibly, earning her hisses from the audience which, like Ifill, will all be in the tank for Obama at that point.