A Guy's Guide To Not Getting It On

In this day and age, it is truly not that hard to get laid. Or rather, it shouldn't be. Unfortunately, for far too many men in the world, through some combination of egotism, stupidity, bad text-messaging skills and utter immaturity, they manage to screw it up long before they manage to get it in. I believe we can call these men The Unfuckables. Having been dating now for more than half my life, often to hilarious effect, I have come across many Unfuckables in my time. These are their stories.

1. Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
2. Don't drop the n-bomb during a discussion on the walk back to your place.
3. Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
4. Don't call it "my junk" or any pet names when asking me to touch it.
5. In fact, don't ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don't want to.
6. Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
7. Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
8. If we are friends on a social networking site, I strongly recommend not joining groups that I can see that identify you as someone looking for anonymous NSA hook-ups. There aren't thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool.
9. Don't tell me you and your wife have "an arrangement." Unless you can provide a signed, notarized affidavit to that effect, I don't believe you and if you can, see the previous answer.
10. Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
11. I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
12. Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
13. Don't keep offering to buy me more alcohol to work the odds when I've indicated a desire to leave. The odds are that I will drink your damn alcohol and still not want to have sex with you.
14. Don't try to guilt me into something. You are not my mother, and you don't have her skills.
15. Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
16. Don't ask if it's okay to fuck me up the ass because you don't have condoms and are "scared" of getting me pregnant.
17. Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
18. Don't "neg" me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.
19. Don't use a stupid euphemism for fucking. If The Bloodhound Gang used it in a song, it should not be called that if you're trying to actually get laid.
20. Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat.

Send an email to Megan Carpentier, the author of this post, at askalobbyist@gmail.com.

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