McCain Surrogate Carly "SNL Was Sexist" Fiorina Goes Out With A BangOh, did you hear? Carly Fiorina has canceled all her remaining television appearances this week and will be taking a short media-oxygen-free nap due to some little things she said yesterday. Other people that should join her in her media-vacuum? Maureen Dowd, who Jason Linkins totally Rick-Rolled me with this morning, and our favorite elitist-against-elitism Clinton/McCain supporter Lynn Forester de Rothschild. All that, plus we find out that the U.S. Embassy in Yemen was bombed and we dismiss it almost as fast as real cable newspeople (but with our sad faces in place, just like them!) and a recommendation for Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey.MEGAN: Oh, hello there! How were your protests yesterday? We talked about spanking without you. JASON: The protest was modestly-sized, but passionate. If you caught the story on Cavuto last night, I spoke to the same woman from the Mahoning Valley that he did, who was very nice in that she allowed me to ask her many silly questions, like if she was jealous of the attention John McCain gave the Georgians, and whether Cindy McCain, if she bought their tent city, would count each tent as a separate residence or if collectively, the tent city would be a single domicile. MEGAN: Yeah, I don't normally watch Cavuto because I've normally got my head deep in my computer writing the news round-up for the end of the night, but she sounds nice! JASON: She was very nice. So, okay, speaking of forays into the lives of working class women, we have Maureen Dowd this morning. MEGAN: Oh, God, any segue that starts off that way normally makes me want to tear out my hair. What did she spew now? JASON: Anna sent me a link to her column. And mind you, I usually consider someone forwarding me her columns as a type of assault. But this being Anna, I knew that it was important, dangerous work that needed to be done. So I'm reading it, and honestly? Through three paragraphs - which in Dowd-ese means "three hastily constructed sentence fragments" - she does okay. But then you get this:
"The Wall Street Journal reported that McCain was thinking about taking Palin to the U.N. General Assembly next week so she can shake hands with some heads of state. You can't contract foreign policy experience like a rhinovirus. To paraphrase the sniffly Adelaide in "Guys and Dolls," a poy-son could develop a cold war."
Fugue For Tinears! I mean, that's the op-ed version of being clouted with a ball peen hammer. MEGAN: Honestly, if I wasn't wearing my glasses, I would have smacked myself upon reading that. Who says that? Who thinks that?!! JASON: Maureen Dowd is JUST THE WORST. Murder your darlings, darling! The rhinovirus line was sufficient! MEGAN: Well, speaking of the over-privileged... JASON: Anyway, that fucking travesty was about Carly Fiorina. I sense that your taking it in that direction? Since we're on the subject of travesties? MEGAN: No, actually, I wanted to talk about Lynn Forester de Rothschild, who Moe and I mocked last week for her horrendous editorial about elitism, and is now endorsing John McCain. Like, bitch went to the Democratic convention on the motherfucking platform committee, but she's endorsing John McCain this week. Because, as an elitist, she know elitism when she sees is and DESPITE WRITING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY PLATFORM she's going to vote for John McCain because Obama wasn't nice enough to her. JASON: What a relief! I had thought that we might end up with Dischord Records releasing a ROTHCHILDS AGAINST ELITISM compilation disc or something! Let's talk elitism. Here's the lede from Portfolio's profile on Lynn:
"When 67-year-old British banking scion Sir Evelyn Rothschild first set eyes on 44-year-old Lynn Forester at the 1998 Bilderberg conference-the matchmaker was none other than Henry Kissinger-she was already a woman of major means."
I mean, wow. Kissinger and the Bilderberg conference come up RIGHT OFF THE BAT. So, you know going in that this is the woman who will cure us of our elitism. MEGAN: I guess she really, really, really knows elitism. That's about the most amusingly gagable description of a meet-cute since I didn't read the New York Times wedding announcements last weekend. Also, the woman helped write the Democratic party's fucking platform, but because she's got a personal distaste for the candidate elected to represent and implement that platform, she's going to publicly support, campaign for and vote for the guy who represents and plans to implement the polar opposite. JASON: What I see as the problem is that this person was allowed within a million miles of the Democratic party platform. They should be glad she turned into a self-lancing boil. MEGAN: I mean, what I want to know is: what sections did she work on? I mean, obviously not the ones on energy, the environment, reproductive freedom, marriage equity, equal pay, women in the military, taxes, health care... so, what's left? Is there a section on wealthy baronesses? MEGAN: Um, WHOA, our embassy in Yemen just got bombed. MSNBC says 16 people are dead so far. But no Americans so far. JASON: Ten Yemeni civilians, though. MEGAN: Well, since when did suicide bombers care about their own people? They have a political point to make about... something. JASON: True. Reports say that snipers opened fire on the first responders, too. Another terrorist act brought to you by the people we will not go and fight. MEGAN: That is, notably, the second attack we've faced in Yemen, in case anyone's forgotten. JASON: There was a mortar attack on the Embassy earlier this year, as well. MEGAN: Well, let's play newscasters and make our sad/serious faces now and quickly changes the subject back to something "sexy". Like Carly Fiorina. JASON: Yes. We'll get a thorough dose of grandstanding from Senators McCain and Obama later. MEGAN: And then we can talk about it again! So, let's talk about Carly Fiorina and her ego. Is it just me spending too many hours with Republicans, or do you recall a lot of times hearing that we needed someone to run this country more like a business? Like, say, Mitt Romney. JASON: One of the hallmark arguments the GOP has made, IN MY LIFETIME, was that the U.S. of A. COULD BE RUN LIKE A BUSINESS!!! MEGAN: Just not, apparently, with McCain or Palin at the helm. JASON: Really? Should Carly Fucking Fiorina be lecturing ANYONE on how to run a business? MEGAN: Hey, I am happy to let her spout off again McCain and Palin. Let's not stop her, please? She knows a lot, from personal experiences, about the kind of people that shouldn't be CEOs. JASON: Yesterday, Andrea Mitchell was basically taunting her about her own golden parachute, even as John McCain is vowing to end the practice. (And don't ask me how the federal government achieves THAT.) And she said that with her it was different! MEGAN: Well, of course hers was different. JASON: ...that her severance package was decided for her, put to a vote. And that constituted real reform! Two things on this. One: Yes, Carly. I am sure that there was a vocal faction of Hewlett Packard decision makers who were like: "You know what? We need to consider not giving her all these millions of dollars. Because we need to send a clear message to shareholders that we hired an incompetent woman to run this company. THAT WILL WORK." Two: The process Fiorina describes is commonplace! That's how these golden parachutes get strapped to these morons' backs. These disgraced CEOs aren't, you know, actually PLUNDERING THEIR COMPANIES COFFERS WITH A SCIMITAR CLENCHED IN THEIR TEETH. MEGAN: Also, it's all super-clubby up in there. JASON: Not that John McCain could stop that, either! He had an ad up, exclaiming ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! And then three hours later, the government bails out AIG. MEGAN: Last night, I seriously turned off the computer and TV, took a short nap and went to dinner and by the time I got there, the entire bar was watching the news of the AIG bailout — and I don't even live in NY! And it's not like golden parachutes aren't "voted" on, but they're "voted" on in the same way that North Koreans "vote" for Kim Jong Il. JASON: Right! Minus the exciting visual of those adorable goosestepping lady soldiers! AND THEY ARE ADORABLE! I want to SQUEEZE those crazy ladies! Who says intractable fascism can't have a Cute Overload aspect to it? MEGAN: I never did understand why dictatorships continue to allow goosestepping to remain alive. JASON: Could you imagine having, like, a three-inch tall brigade of North Korean lady soldiers skipping all around your apartment. I would be like, OMGZ THAT IS TEH CUTENESS. MEGAN: I think they should be at least 10 inches. JASON: Jeezy creezy! Is the Dow already down 209 points today?? MEGAN: I love, by the way, that the NYSE was opened today by "Emeritus Senior Living." Where John McCain would retire, if he didn't have the right to die, senile and crapping his pants, in office. Sidenote: Bob Casey is on MSNBC right now and, um, man needs to wax that unibrow. JASON: You know, credit John McCain. He has, to my knowledge, never crapped his pants. Yesterday, Carly crapped hers twice on national teevee. MEGAN: See, I prefer to think of that sort of appearance as vomiting up the bile from her soul. JASON: You won't be seeing her on teevee for a while, either. MEGAN: Well, my days will no doubt be burdened by that. JASON: More time for Empress Nancy Pfotenhauer. And Tucker Bounds! And now the Lady de Rothschild!