If you're a regular Cosmo reader, you already know that men aren't capable of using words to express emotions. That's for those of us with two "x" chromosomes. To understand a man, you have to read his body language, much as you would, well, a dog. How do you decode his mysterious slumps and slouches? October Cosmo has a helpful guide, titled "His Body Reveals What He'd Never Tell You." But we're not sure if we agree with their assessments. Check out our readings of different male postures — and add your own — after the jump.

He says: "What should I mix with the vodka? OJ, or my cell phone?"

He says: "I think I found the alien mind-control device."

He says: "I'm auditioning for the STD pamphlet at your gyno."

He says: "I just pooped on your counter."

Your turn, readers! What does this guy say? [Cosmopolitan]