Conventional Crap: Our Patience Is At An End With The GOPThe convention is over! I'll be able to sleep again (except for today). Naturally, there's only one person with whom I could crap about the end of two crap weeks of conventioneering, bad speeches, worse columns, Sarah Palin's cupcakes and Peggy Noonan... That's right, Moe is back!MOE: OH FOR CHRISSAKES PEGGY
This is the authentic sound of the American mama, of every mother you know at school who joins the board, reads the books, heads the committee, and gets the show on the road.
Don't you mean bans the books??? Can I go back to bed now? MEGAN: Didn't you read? We the elitist media are sorry for daring to ask questions and will stick to just parroting whatever it is that Sarah Palin has written for her! No more questions! No more questions! Anyway, technically, I am in bed because it was so nice and warm and I didn't really want to get out of it anyway. My back hurts from the crappy chairs at the Xcel Center. MOE: I need to puke.
Her averageness accentuated her specialness. Her commonality highlighted her uniqueness.
Right, because the middle class has done so much evaporating in the past 18 years and she hasn't changed her hair since the Reagan administration! Because in any other state, Sarah Palin's "First Dude" would be a Ford salesman. UGHHHHH KILL BABY KILL ME NOW Also, who fucking called her Baberaham LIncoln? Isn't that something from like Wayne's World? That used to be Blakeley's commenter name if I recall. MEGAN: No, now, let's be fair. Sarah Palin had some righteous 80s hair in the 80s, hair the likes of which I found it personally impossible to ever achieve. The little bouffant-twist thingie is not 80s, it's totally something out of the 50s. Yes, I believe that is from Wayne's World: "If she was a President, she's be Baberaham Lincoln." I'm sure some important information no longer resides in my brain so that tidbbit could remains. Also, frankly, the Palinphilia was the least offensive portion of the night. Watching the 9/11 film that made Rudy's refrain seem tasteful really drowns out all the Palin shit. MOE:
Campbell Brown of CNN did nothing wrong for instance in pressing a campaign spokesman on Palin's foreign policy credentials. She was unjustly criticized for following an appropriate and necessary line of inquiry. But endless front page stories connected to Mrs. Palin's 17-year-old daughter? Cable news shows that had people insinuating Palin, whom America had not yet even met, was a bad mother, and that used her daughter's circumstances to examine Republican views on abstinence education? That was ugly.
MEGAN: Campbell Brown was completely justified, but that didn't stop the campaign from pulling all MSNBC interviews after that. MOE: You know what about the media is ugly? That you can get away with, all on the same day, writing a column slamming the media "bubbleheads" for tonedeafly ignoring a candidate's powerful "narrative" on the basis of the rampant falsehood that it's a "nation of Wasillas," then admit in the studio in a gaffe heard round the internet that you think it was dumb for the Republicans to choose a running mate on the basis of this "bullshit about narrative," then watch said candidate give a speech that's inanity is trumped only by its meanness that is for some Bubbleheaded reason considered widely successful MEGAN: By the way, one of the Republicans I know has the Gchat status "Palin-McCain!". MOE: And then write a column praising the candidate's fucking narrative (including how she kept that Down syndrome baby!) while attacking the media scrutiny of the veracity of the FUCKING NARRATIVE. MEGAN: It was successful because it was mean and because it didn't address hard issues. Republicans don't want to talk about issues, they want their Weltanschauung reinforced without the use of foreign words. Also, I looked this up earlier this week but don't have the statistical chart handy, if I recall correctly, older women are more likely to bring a Downs baby to term than younger women. And they probs ought to stop referring to it as her "choice." If they don't want to be pro-choice, they should say stuff like "It was my moral obligation to bring Trig to term. There was no 'choice.'" MOE: You know what Peggy? I thought it didn't get much more galling to watch fucking Sarah Palin slam Barack Obama's memoir writing when she has achieved so very little herself and her running mate has in fact written more memoirs than Obama, I thought it was audacious to watch fucking Sarah Palin get up and lie yet again about how she singlehandedly shut down construction of the Bridge To Nowhere, but this column, all things considered = actually more audacious! MEGAN: Also, if Steve Schmidt uses that line, my fees are totally as reasonable as Mark Penn's. MOE: Ughhh anyway this is probably a first for liberalkind but I am actually going to calm myself down by thinking about what I saw on the O'Reilly Factor last night. MEGAN: Ummmm, that is kind of completely a first. Watching the boring lead-in speeches, I wished my Internet connection was good enough to have watched a live feed or something. MOE: Did you watch? It was funny. Bill O'Reilly was a kind of hilarious combination of bullying and deferential. He is so doglike somehow. At the end he told everyone that he'd looked Obama in the eye and said, "This guy is not a wimp. He is tough, that Obama." Obama might have pointed out when O'Reilly kept begging him to promise him he was prepared for war with Iran that Al Qaeda actually funds much of the Iranian resistance, but as it was he just sort of shook that dirt off his shoulder as one does. Then O'Reilly made some hilarious proclamation about how Carrie Underwood was a patriot and Lily Allen and Elton John were pinheads. All around a good night. And then I went out. Did you see McCain? I have no idea what happened between then and now and will probably need coffee to figure that out. MEGAN: Dude, the reason I didn't see O'Reilly is that I was sitting in rapt boredom at my computer at the Xcel Center waiting, waiting, waiting for John McCain. He came, he saw, he got less applause that Sarah Palin and twice as many disruptive Code Pink protestors. MOE: Are you afraid of Palin? I cannot get inside the head of someone who doesn't find her vapid, vacuous, one those nice ladies around town that seems harmless enough until you have reason to glimpse inside her soul one day while watching her skin a moose or summarily dissolve a PTA or perjure herself in an attempt to get a state trooper fired. In that sense I think Peggy's right, there was something "I know this lady" about this lady, but what America also knows about that sort of lady is that if that lady is in a position of power chances are she is a total phony. MEGAN: I don't know that I'm scared of Palin. I think she plays well with a certain demographic. I am scared that the media has decided that she's almost untouchable on the issues and that McCain is using her to argue that they needn't talk to the media anymore and that her written-by-committee speeches delivered to the American People will suffice because the media is eeeevil coming and going . And I'm more scared that too many Americans will buy the Evil Media theme and stop actually trying to learn anything about her. MOE: Oh wow huh. MEGAN: Yeah, that's what I was saying earlier. It was seriously amazing offensive. It was like "If you hate 9/11, love us!" as though Democrats are pro-9/11. Oh, hey, look, my criticism of Sarah Palin was premature! She took a question! Phew. Never mind. MOE: Ugh as a semi member of the media I can say I feel like letterbombing everyone who has attacked the media in the media over the past few days. The only outlet I believe "overstepped" in any way was Us Weekly and not from a factual perspective but from a "Uhhhhh this is not going to help you at the newsstand" perspective. But I get it now, I get it all; the media is going bananas because somehow this Sarah Palin thing has re-bestowed upon Republicans their ability to tell bald faced lies and repeat them and repeat them and repeat them some more with impunity! (And who knows if there's actual impunity, the point is that Republicans know that the assumption of impunity is more than enough to get them through the next few wars!) Read this little missive by McCain admirer and frustrated media member Jake Tapper . The GOP has everyone riled up. It's totally nuts. MEGAN: Well, but, Chelsea was, like, an elitist awkward nerdy girl. And you and I were both elitist awkward nerdy girls, and EANGs are always fair game for people to make fun of. It's like a rule in life. John McCain probably started doing it when he was "popular" in high school and, like many asshole jocks, just never stopped. You can't blame him for thinking that making fun of a EANG was still cool, it's like an enduring part of Americana. Now if Sarah and Todd Palin had an unfortunately awkward child... But, instead, they have the brunette version of the Gore girls. MOE: And what I mean is, because the Republicans no longer feel chastened, because they have this cute little governor mom who bakes cupcakes unironically — does she so much as know about ironic cupcakes? — telling them it's ALL OKAY. Go ahead kids, keep on lying about the Bridge to Nowhere and that eBay plane and my phony record of cutting down pork. Go ahead and use that footage of the terrorists attacking New York to send the message that only Republicans care about the big festering bacchanalian urban centers where no one ever actually votes Republican. MEGAN: Look, after 10 days of eating on the road, if bitch wants to give me an homemade cupcake, I'm not going to pretend like I wouldn't enjoy every last second of eating it. But I still would be offended by the 9/11 film. MOE: Oh man and catch Ta-Nehisi Coates with the updates. I feel his pain. And related: half?? why just half?? MEGAN: Maybe for the same reason that even poor Republicans don't like raising taxes on the rich ones? Because they expect to be rich — or VP — some day? Or because after 8 years of GWB, our expectations of what it takes not to send the country spiraling into Armageddon is somewhat... reduced? MOE: That's just it. The soft bigotry of low expectations etc. etc. Anyway I guess "only" 42% think she's fit to lead. Like only 40% of people thought Saddam Hussein bankrolled September 11 etc. etc. Okay I just went in and tried to make some coffee hoping it will put me in a better mood. MEGAN: I would be in a better mood if I was back to sleep. MOE: Doubtful; while I was grinding the beans it occurred to me that O'Reilly and Westmoreland and Mitt Romney are as stubborn and bullying and useless in the face of reason or even advanced rhetoric as CERTAIN DUDES I HAVE DATED. If only America could text message breakup with the GOP.