In order to make my life worth living and the liveblog tenable, I stopped for a double cappuccino and missed Mel Martinez speak. Actually, I didn't "miss" him so much as I looked up and realized — unlike the rest of the crowd — that he was speaking. The rest of the crew, though, I paid attention to and my liveblog your conversation starts after the jump.9:27 ET: And, he's out. Back to obscurity for you, Tom Ridge! Enjoy Penna. Join me in the McCainiac thread! 9:25 ET: Volunteers have to lead the crowd in shouting "That's John McCain," because it's a shitty repeat line. I mean, my God, these people will shout "drill, baby, drill," so you know that's bad. 9:23 ET: This went from being a political speech to a crappy sermon. It's not doing a damn thing for the crowd, it's amazing in its mediocrity. 9:20 ET: John McCain can negotiate with trust and respectability because he's already got the respect of our allies. Of course, mostly we have to negotiate with our non-allies, but, details! 9:18 ET: If you can make it through this night drinking every time someone says "victory," you should really go to detox. 9:17 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? 9:16 ET: Tom and John McCain are friends because they both like shitty jokes. 9:14 ET: What color is your fear? Tom Ridge knows. 9:11 ET: The background music to the film? A slower synth version of the theme to "Dallas." 9:10 ET: They're showing the Palin film that Ferret Face talked through last night. 9:09 ET: When faced with rumors that you are gay, avoid gesturing with your thumb in the way Lindsay Graham just did, as the first thing that runs through sick people's minds it that thumb up someone's butt. 9:04 ET: John McCain supported The Surge despite it being political suicide because it was the right thing to do. 9:01 ET: Boos for Moveon.org. 9:00 ET: Lindsay Graham is up. "This speech is for the troops." Does that mean I can resume ignoring Lindsay Graham? 9:00 ET: Another reporter leans over and says, "That dancing down there reminds me of 'Janet Reno's Dance Party.' Or Elaine in 'Seinfeld.'" 8:57 ET: "Danger Zone" time! But there is not a single person here who looks like Maverick and Goose shirtless, let alone Iceman. Also,thing maybe the Maverick reference is why they chose this song? Because, otherwise, it's like they're saying that John McCain will take this country into the Danger Zone... 8:53 ET: He stopped talking. It's country music time: "Put Me In Coach" it is seemingly called. I'd YouTube it for you, but then you might slick through and I wouldn't do that to you. It's way lame, which is what there are a shitload of Texans all dancing in time. I took video, which I'll spend three hours uploading to YouTube tomorrow or something because it amuses me. 8:49 ET: By the way, they've moved the podium back so I don't have any ass views. Also, Joe Gibbs has yet to say anything interesting but he just. keeps. talking. Good thing I have coffee. 8:47 ET: Joe Gibbs. They "neglect" to mention his Redskins coaching. 8:46 ET: Bye! 8:44 ET: He says "It's God first, then family, then country." Snarky reporter number two says, "Can't he read? It's country first." I say, "God, country, same thing, isn't that what we're learning here?" 8:43 ET: Brian Clay is an Olympian. Who he is requires the longest explanation of the convention so far. Also, he has kids. He's a God-y. 8:42 ET: "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" 8:41 ET: They show Rudy Giuliani and people applaud. Fucking a. 8:40 ET: The show the second plane striking the tower, the pit, the Pentagon. On the night of 9/11, I looked out on my balcony and could see the Pentagon burning over the trees. Fuck this political shit, for real. This is kind of very offensive. 8:39 ET: Creepy terrorist film. NINE ELEVEN BABY. 8:38 ET: She stopped talking. 8:37 ET: Another reporter asks me, "We have 3 branches of government, right? The military, the executive branch and... the legislative?" I am so in the right section tonight. 8:36 ET: NINE ELEVEN BABY 8:35 ET: By the way, barbers in Oklahoma City gave first responders free hair cuts. That's, like, un-Americans giving away something for free. Also, she's all talking about tragedy and if it weren't for the crazy echo, Republican delegates would be drowning her out. 8:33 ET: Other woman I don't know. Someone in the crowd does, though. Hey, remember when those white guys bombed that Oklahoma City building and everyone thought they were all Islamic and shit and then they weren't and everyone felt bad about stereotyping and being jingoistic? Good times. 8:29 ET: "Footloose" plays. Some small number of people dance in a tortured fashion. Don't they know that the only acceptable way to dance to this involves jumping around and step-ball-changes and general 80s awesomeness? I am tempted to show them but the press area is crowded and the Secret Service is all up in here for the first time. Who knew they read Jezebel? 8:29 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? 8:28 ET: He believes in American exceptionalism, and that we have a God-given destiny. My snark about that is interrupted by my laughter when he says that "We need leaders that forego the earthly pleasures of now." 8:26 ET: "The other side says 'Yes We Can' and then votes 'No You Won't." John McCain says, "'Yes We Will.'" Well, it may be a stupid mockery of Obama's slogans like every other GOP slogan so far, it's fucking better than "drill, baby, drill." Hey, that's a rhyme! 8:24 ET: Americans live for something bigger than they are? HAHAHAHAHA! 8:23 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? 8:23 ET: Sam "Snowflake Baby" Brownback is here. "You ready to rock, America?" It is hard to type while cringing that hard. 8:21 ET: This woman is determined that I will personally not ignore her, because she keeps repeating the word "Megan." 8:19 ET: Buh-bye, Bill. Going to ignore the military lady, since not even I know who she is. 8:18 ET: "We will make extreme poverty history." Think Bush already did that. 8:16 ET: He went to Rwanda. These are Republicans, hon, they don't care. 8:15 ET: No one else is paying attention to Brain-Dead Bill either. 8:13 ET: Reporter next to me says, "I can actually tell from watching him on that computer screen that he is brain dead." I vote for zombie. 8:12 ET: Bill Frist, "live" and in the flesh. 8:12 ET: Pawlenty, over and out. 8:10 ET: "Sam's Club voters"? I'm a Sam's Club member because I'm a cheap bitch not because I'm a Republican. 8:10 ET: He knows John McCain, just like Carly. Or maybe not just like Carly. 8:09 ET: Pawlenty went to Iraq? WTF does that have to do with governing Minnesota? 8:08 ET: Did you know John McCain was tortured? 8:07 ET: "The best Sermons aren't preached, they're lived." Tell that to all the hypocritical sermonizers in D.C. 8:06 ET: Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is glad we're here.