P.U.M.A's Will Bower Loves Powerful Blondes From Both Sides Of The Pond

If you don't recognize this man, this is P.U.M.A. co-founder Will Bower. If you're like me, it was hard to recognize him because you are trying with every fiber of your being to focus on the waxen object of his weird, weird lust only to realize that it's Princess Diana, where upon you realize that she and Hillary have the same haircut and there really is kind of a resemblance only maybe not around the chin and then OH MY GOD then you're looking at him again. And that's pretty much the evil trick I pulled on Jason Linkins this morning, but I'm pretty sure he forgives me. We also talk about the crappiness of PUMAs, John McCain and the ladies, Evan Bayh, public financing, Ed Rendell's catharsis, cockroach races, and Pinot Noir, because we needed something to clear our brains of that image.

MEGAN: Oh, my GOD, it's finally the end of the week and I can sleep in tomorrow like a normal person! If I don't fall asleep on my couch between now and then.

JASON: Sleep keeps clutching at my brain, too. If I don't stay frosty, I'm going to doze right off. You'll know when all of the sudden the IM window is filled with u,mgugggggggggggggggggg...
That was just a drill. Sleeping in is good. I'm assuming you aren't signed up for The Single Most Pressing and Critical Text Message Of World History?

MEGAN: I did my whole radio interview this morning praying that what my sleep-deprived mind was saying made sense. Honestly, I get so much email from the campaign already, I sorta didn't want them to have my cell phone, too. But after one of my friends got pranked the other night, I'm glad I am not.

JASON: It's going to be an awful lot of build-up if it's just Evan Bayh. I mean, I'm pretty sure that when Evan was born, Birch was just sorta, "Meh. Okay I guess."

MEGAN: I think the problem is just that Evan is bored. Like, life of privilege, became a Senator and it's like... now what?

JASON: But I guess the new new thing is this counterintuitive walkaround, stipulating that one of the smartest moves Obama can make is to put HRC on the ticket. This is something I agreed to consider yesterday, "like we were sad drunks staring at the sunset at The End Of Days."

MEGAN: You know, one of my friends has been darkly hinting at this for several days. It would be an utter shock, no? And the one thing McCain couldn't possibly counter at this stage with so many ideas having been floated. Not even getting Petraeus to run would trump that in terms of media coverage, etc. It would be better for his numbers than if he'd even taken her in the first place.

JASON: Yes. And it's been pointed out that as far as McCain raising money on Hillary, he's only got a week to get it, then he's only got a week to spend it.

MEGAN: Although, I'm going to say that I don't think it jives with his statements that it's about finding someone without an ego who's not about self-aggrandizement. But, then, frankly, none of the top supposed choices jive with that except maybe Tim Kaine and even that's stretching it. Oooh, that's right, As of September 4th, McCain's gotta rely on public funds alone.

JASON: Yeah. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it weren't someone on the Bayh-Biden-Kaine axis. But I'd say it's rather unlikely it would be Clinton, so it looks like the DNC is going to have to have its LET'S GET CLOSURE party. That's what Ed Rendell wants anyway! He is, by the way, a fucking DOPE and there's no way around it. "Oh, sure, Ed! You know, we only have the FOUR DAYS every FOUR YEARS to talk to the American people, but FUCK IT. You go ahead and have your little hue and cry. I guess that's more important. You work things out, you fucking dope! We'll wait! The goddamned country isn't doing anything important."

MEGAN: Hey, you know, when you gotta cry, you gotta cry. I mean I think the real problem isn't going to be Ed Rendell nearly as much as it's going to be having it go smoothly. There's no way you're not going to have the stupid people there, like the ones that went to the Unity, NH speech Clinton and Obama gave together and made a big point of stuffing their fingers in their ears when Obama spoke. You know that childish shit is going to go on, and every reporter (me included) is going to be looking for it. I did, however, enjoy the Kos-ian takedown of the PUMA fundraising claims. That was kind of awesome. Also, I've been stalking Will Bower's Facebook profile for a while. That's a weird, weird dude. And if that doesn't make you cringe, try this.

JASON: OH SWEET JEEBUS. Words fail. What a hot tranny mess. The childish shit will probably be kicking off early when the DNC platform committee meets. I read that Kos diary, too, and was like "Woo!" But then I realized that Bower was probably all, "OMG they wrote about me on Kos! My life is so magical! It's like I crap Drew Barrymores! MeeeEEEeeee! MEEEEEEE!"

MEGAN: This I think proves your point.

JASON: True story. My wife, Caroline, was showing me a print ad yesterday, don't remember exactly what it was...think it was a Nike ad. And she said, "This isn't a very effective ad. When I see shoes superimposed on a wild cat, I don't think "Nike", I think "Puma." And I almost said, "You know, 'PUMA' is the term the Hillary crazies give themselves. It stands for 'Party Unity My Ass'...but then I stopped myself. I realized, "Caroline doesn't know about these jacakanapes! She has no idea they even exist!" That's like living in a motherfucking state of grace! So I didn't share that detail. And so I say, suck it, Pumas! You remain unknown, not the center of attention, to at least somebody!

MEGAN: It sounds like you conned a completely normal person into marrying you. She must be nice.

JASON: She's super nice! And super salty! She's a TOTAL Jezebel.

MEGAN: Sweet! Tell her to get into the comments, everyone else does! If, by the way, you're not done shuddering in despair, you should check out the results of the hissing cockroach candidate roach race. And, we should probably also talk about how Democrats are finding Hillary's Obamania a little tepid these days.

JASON: That hissing cockroach story is hilarious:

"The roach race Thursday was part of the New Jersey Pest Management Association's annual clinic and trade show."

Well, of course! I have a sawbuck down on "Cindy McCain" in the trollop-faced beetle race.

MEGAN: But she's facing the "angry black" cockroach Michelle Obama, and you know what everyone says happens when you piss off an already-angry black lady. At least, that's what Fox News keeps telling me.

JASON: The tepidity comes from things like Dope Rendell, and Tony Rodham meeting with Carly Fiorina, and Bill Clinton being an underminer. You know, if she got on the ticket, Bill would probably immediately start saying things like, "Barack Obama is like the mulatto son I never had! He's awesome! He's like a delicious sundae of leadership!"

MEGAN: Would he want to lick him like a lollipop? (Why, yes, I have had that song in my head for 24 full hours, thanks Lil Wayne.) Drink him like a shitty Pinot Noir hyped by a bullshit magazine? Sorry, I have a severe hatred for people that walk into a wine bar with 3 dozen choices and order "the" pinot noir. Fucking a, people, Sideways was a film. About a guy you wouldn't talk to in real life if you could avoid it.
Spencer was probably right about me being a wine-swilling asshole.

JASON: By the way, you saw how McCain got...uhm...what's the word? Oh, yeah! TESTY? When he got called out on his many, many homes? My response, if I were the Obama campaign, would have been, "Hey, now. DON'T LOSE YOUR BEARINGS. Remember how you said those "Celebrity" ads were just having a little fun? Well, we're just having ourselves some fun." He really freaked out! "OH YEAH WELL...rrrrrRRRREEEEEZZZZKOOOO! BLAAAARGH!"

MEGAN: I not only saw it, I pointed out that his response about spending 5 years in a prison was almost word-for-word what he said in 1982 when he was called a carpetbagger for running for Senate in a state he'd hardly ever lived in.

JASON: I DON'T NEED A HOOK FOR THIS SHIT: He'll have his hand on the nuclear football, people. Just putting it out there.

MEGAN: Well, luckily he can't throw it very far, what with being unable to raise his arms above his shoulders. YES I WENT THERE.

JASON: OOOHHH, YA BURNT! McCain should really try to shoot the moon with that war hero shit. I mean, I want to find him ankle deep in the blood of a drifter, saying, "My friends, I was tortured by gay Vietcong for five years!" DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!
Balk points out, by the way:

"In the last four presidential elections, decorated military veterans lost to candidates who had actively dodged serving in conflict abroad. How much longer do we have to pretend that military service confers some kind of advantage with the electorate?"

Don't forget to DIGG that, Jezebelles!

MEGAN: Also, this is possibly the best analysis of McCain's strategy to the female electorate yet:

Don't believe what I say. Believe what you used to believe before I opened my mouth.

McCain is that skeezy guy you dated in college that you thought you learned better to go out with.

JASON: Yeah. That's McCain in a nutshell. His pushback is always: "Don't you think it's beneath you to accuse a war hero of lying?" No.

MEGAN: Not when the war hero is lying, asshole. You don't get to be a prick forever just because some bad shit happened to you.

Send an email to Megan Carpentier, the author of this post, at askalobbyist@gmail.com.

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