It's not that all the products on display in this month's Elle are bad — it's just that the bad ones are so awful. Elle's blessings fall on such unworthy items as a $2,800 coat looks like a bathrobe, a patent leather cowboy hat, and some African-inspired jewelry from a known and longtime Africa-exploiting company. There's also a terrifying medieval apparatus that lets you roll sharp needles all over your face... for just $118. This is supposed to make you pretty, but, like Elle, it just freaks us out. This month's cover features Jessica Simpson, whom you may remember from March 2007, or from September 2004. Our version, after the jump.

Send an email to Anna North, the author of this post, at annanorth@jezebel.com.