So I'm looking for a new apartment, and I saw one that I liked, but it's a sublet and one wall in the living room is completely mirrored. The mirrors are installed and can't be taken down. I kept looking at the mirrored wall and thinking, "it's not that bad," and then looking away again. Maybe the mirrors were doing something for the room, but they were doing something else for me. It was uncomfortable. I wasn't used to it. When I got home, I realized that I only have two mirrors in my current apartment and neither of them are very big. Neither are full length. I see just enough to know where I'm headed. Not the full picture.But some people love mirrors! Enough to cover a 12 foot wall with them! Some women carry a purse mirror, have full-length mirrors, vanities, mirrored bathrooms, mirrored bedrooms. And then, like me, some women see a mirror and look away. Are there two kinds of people? Those who can face themselves and those who cannot? The question, of course, is how much vanity comes into play. There was a time that I would see a mirror and check my hair, check my angles, check my teeth, smile, check myself out. I was a teenager, and it wasn't actually coming from a place of conceit; it was more curiosity, a self-interest. This is what I look like! This is what I look like when I turn this way! This is what I look like with a pony tail! This is what I look like in pink lipstick! But the older I get the more I think: I know what I look like, I just need to see if my eyebrows need plucking. End of story. And yeah, I have gained weight since I was a teenager. I don't always love seeing my entire body reflected back at me. The smaller mirrors I own show the face, or head to thigh, enough for a general impression. Enough to get me out of the house in a decent outfit. I have purse mirrors but I generally forget to take them with me. At my old job I had a mirror hung in my cube, but it served the purpose of making sure no one snuck up on me more than as a surface on which to gaze upon myself. Maybe it's because I work at home and don't wear a lot of makeup. Maybe it's because I'm not entirely happy with what I see. Maybe it's because I don't feel the need to check and see if I exist. I just don't know if I'm a mirror person anymore. But if I take the apartment, perhaps it will be a lesson: Perhaps I'll learn to face myself.
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