Rush Limbaugh Knows Men Cheat Because Women Talk Too Much, Give Too Few Blow JobsMetaphorically speaking, like John Edwards and Rush Limbaugh before me, I have trouble keeping it in my pants, but Spencer swears he's not mad at all. And so today I share myself, intellectually-speaking, with TRex, a political blogger and author based in Athens, Georgia who I usually talk to electronically when the moon is up and I am drunk. TRex had to get up early this morning, so instead of late-night musings about life, we canoodled this morning over snark, Maureen Dowd, John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, the vast understanding of male-female relationships contained in Rush Limbaugh's no-longer-drug-addled brain and things you should never Google before breakfast.DAVID: Good morning! MEGAN: Morning! Welcome to my daily routine of crap! DAVID: Good morning, baby! You know, I'm actually sort of impressed with this Maureen Dowd column. Not that it's actually good or anything, just that for once she managed not to fall back her one Freshman Lit class trick, over-alliteration. It's like that was the one day in English 102 that she bothered to show up for. MEGAN: Hmm, I found it marginally less annoying than usual, except that she makes fun of Hawaiian culture, uses annoying similes and puts words into people's mouths and outrageous and unlikely thoughts into people's heads:
You can almost hear her mind whirring: She's amazed at how easy it was to snatch Denver away from the Obama saps. Like taking candy from a baby, except Beanpole Guy doesn't eat candy. In just a couple of weeks, Bill and Hill were able to drag No Drama Obama into a swamp of Clinton drama.
You're right, it's not alliteration, it's internal rhyme and it's not even original! Guess she missed those days of English composition. I have to say, one thing I really hate about this job is the need to read Maureen Dowd. I miss my many years of ignoring her existence, let alone her writing. DAVID: It's kind of sad, really. She's been dining out on the Clintons for nearly two decades now. Sometimes I feel like she's getting in all her hits now before her meal ticket walks out the door. She's going to wring every last drop from those two that she can. And sometimes I feel like the Times knows it, which is why they still have her behind kind of a half-hearted subscription wall. MEGAN: I think they quit that, since no one would pay to read her. Man, those were good days, too. When I could claim I wasn't reading her because my boss wouldn't pay for the subscription. DAVID: You still have to register your email and get a log-in ID to read her column. I know that because the log-in from BugMeNot that I've been using for three years just stopped working, so I had to re-register just now. Now, here's the kind of headline you don't see too much anymore:
Al Qaeda positioned for attacks against West, U.S. analyst says
There. You've covered your ass. Now let's go clear some brush. MEGAN: Oooh, I feel so 2001, except that no one reported it then and no one in the Administration listened to it! DAVID: Yee haw! Maybe for old times sake we should saw on the Gary Condit thing for an inordinate amount of time. Oh, no, wait, the WaPo beat us to it. MEGAN: Anyway, speaking of mistresses, we should probably touch on the Rielle Hunter former friend interview. DAVID: Her name is "Pigeon"? That's really unfortunate. MEGAN: Well, and so is the fact that she refrained from being like "Girl, stop boning the married guy and buying his shit and find yourself someone nice that cares about you for real" and Rielle friend-dumped her anyway. DAVID: This bit is particularly unnerving to me somehow:
I — she's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful person in a very ugly position, and I really feel for her. I think that — I really have never known someone so insistent upon integrity and honesty and openness. It's one of the most beautiful things about her. There are many beautiful things about her.
Nah, I take it back. Actually that part is kind of beautiful.You can really taste the crazy. MEGAN: Yeah, there are many parts that are probably beautiful about Rielle, her willingness to ignore that Edwards was married and tell all her friends about it and bash his wife to reporters are probably not among them. That said, I'm not sure Rush Limbaugh gets it (heh) either.
It just seems to me that Edwards might be attracted to a woman whose mouth did something other than talk.
God, don't you love the old "My wife doesn't suck my cock anymore" excuse for infidelity? DAVID: Well, these people are hardcore New Agers, and something I've found about those people is that they'll do just heinous stuff to other people and then find some way to justify it with a bunch of airy fairy crap about "positivity" and "actualization of my potential". Oh, we really are going to talk about Hellmouth Limbaugh? MEGAN: Well, we have to bring it up. He basically said guys get tired of fucking mouthy women who, by the way, don't give blow jobs. You know who I don't ever give blow jobs to? Rush Limbaugh. Also, guys that are pigs about it. And guys who beg for it like small children, just because it's unattractive. And anyone who is less than fastidious about cleanliness. DAVID: Can I get a "Hell, yeah" on that last one? I know there are a lot of people out there who are against circumcision, but in terms of what you're are or aren't going to go down on, ultimately, I think I'm in the pro-circumcision camp. See? I'm willing to totally range into Deep Overshare territory to not have to think too hard about Rush Limbaugh. MEGAN: Or his penis. Or the women he might have to pay to suck his penis, just so's he knows it's still there, since he can't really reach it around his stomach to jerk off anymore, which is why he bloviates the way he does. His show is the closest thing to self-fellating he's able to achieve. DAVID: This is the thing that kind of keeps me up at night. We may get a Democratic Congress and president in 2009, but you know, I live in Georgia (and things have been much better since the cease-fire, thanks fer askin'!) and I see all those angry, red-faced white guys in their Escalades and Dodge Rams who listen to him. They're not going anywhere. It makes me think about Oklahoma City and that guy who charged into that Unitarian church and started shooting. MEGAN: See, the only time I really see those people is in bars back home. They seem less angry then. Sometimes they hit on me. DAVID: Hellmouth Limbaugh has been stoking those people's ids for, well, about as long as Maureen Dowd has been working toward the same ends from the Upper West Side. His listeners are genuinely scary true believers. At least around here they are. MEGAN: When I used to leave my house during the day and go to a real job, I used to hear cab drivers listening to Limbaugh during the day. Amusingly, 99% of his cabbie listeners in my anecdotal survey were immigrants. I never did figure out if they were listening because they believed, or to better know the enemy. Or because it was a Republican town and they worked for tips. DAVID: My guess would be the latter, but I guess you never really know. I can't really think about Limbaugh without thinking about pilonidal cysts. MEGAN: I had a friend with those. Don't Google, people, whatever you do. DAVID:
A pilonidal cyst is a cyst at the bottom of the tailbone (coccyx) that can become infected and filled with pus. Once infected, the technical term is pilonidal abscess. Pilonidal abscesses look like a large pimple at the bottom of the tailbone, just above the crack of the buttocks. It is more common in men than in women. It usually happens in young people up into the fourth decade of life.
Hey, there's a reason to be happy about turning 40! Oh, heh, I just saw your Do Not Google advice. Enjoy your breakfast, Jezebelles!