Magazines! You know they're all just glossy insecurity factories trying to suck your brain matter out through your thighs, but sometimes their cover lines are soooooooo tempting. Too bad they're all a lie! In "Cover Lies," former intern Cheryl Campbell and I rewrote the magazine covers to better reflect the stories within. We added up all the numbers in the cover lines of this month's Cosmo, and we got 334! Pointless? Yes — just like most of the articles these headlines reference. After the jump, we posit some more truthful teasers for September’s crop of Cosmo's please-your-man tips and unsettling beauty tricks.

Send an email to Anna North, the author of this post, at annanorth@jezebel.com.