This Week in Tabloids: Aniston Wants A Baby, Applegate Is Ailing, & Cyrus Is A Not-So-Secret Sexpot

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, our continuing mission to seek out new gossip in the weekly tabloids so you don't have to. This week, we officially hit the August news slump, as most weeklies stop even attempting to deliver fresh news. Jennifer Aniston is on two covers, with marriage and baby plans that her representatives have already re-denied. Life & Style reports that Miley Cyrus, who is famous for playing a girl with a secret double life, may have a "Secret Double Life" herself. Us wins for most depressing cover with Christina Applegate's "Cancer at 36." And In Touch surrenders to the summer doldrums with the "69 Sexiest Bodies on the Beach," which is always an omen that dark things lie within. Join us after the jump as we explore the sick sad world of Us, OK!, Life & Style, In Touch, and Star.

OK!
"Wedding of the Year!" Tired of waiting for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer to get engaged, OK! draws up unbelievably detailed wedding plans to show Jen just how easy it could be. Lot of pillows and light linen draping from the ceiling will create a bohemian feel, Smartwater, which Jen endorses, will be served, and one of her two dogs may be the ring bearer. Sting, Sheryl Crow, and Pete Wentz will be on the guest list and everyone expects that the non-existent November wedding will "end with a spectacular jam session." Next: In an obvious attempt to fill space, OK! offers a "Make Over Your Man!" guide. They recommend you "don't kick him to the curb while he's kicking his habits" like Nicole Kidman who supported Keith Urban through his battle with alcoholism, make him lose weight like Jennifer Garner did to "dumpy" husband Ben Affleck, and "show him a picture of a perfectly coifed Patrick Dempsey" to encourage good grooming. Moving on: In the two-page smack down "Suri Cruise vs. Violet Affleck" we learn that the 2-year-olds live "worlds apart" because Suri lives in a $35 million Beverly Hills estate, while the Afflecks live in a $5 million Brentwood ranch-style home, and Suri visited the Louvre in Paris while poor Violet is stuck with pottery classes and the L.A. Public Library. Finally: A photo of a completely normal looking Britney is captioned "BRIT WWIS BACK" and trails off with the sentence, "she heads to a gym in Beverly Hills on" . . . What could it all mean? The people have a right to know!
Grade: F- (shark attack victim)


US Weekly
"Cancer at 36" As previously reported, Christina Applegate has be diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer. An eyewitness says she "didn't show any particular emotion" during a visit to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center's cancer center three months ago. Fascinating. David Faustino, her Married With Children co-star says his "thoughts and prayers are always with her." Moving on: "15 Page Bonus Hollywood's Real Moms (No Angelina!)" Forget Vivienne and Knox, because US offers 10 pages of the stars you really want to hear about including Jenny McCarthy, Melissa Joan Hart, and Biggest Loser host Alison Sweeney. The last 5 pages are a back to school fashion guide that has nothing to do with Hollywood kids. Also, Jenny McCarthy's method for making her son eat his vegetables: "I juice them into a syringe, chase him around and stick it in his mouth!" Next: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick "presented a 'what rumors?'" stance by going out in New York both wearing light blue shirts and jeans, and identical white string bracelets.
Grade: F (comatose on the beach, due to heat exhaustion)


Life & Style
"Miley Cyrus: Her Secret Double Life" For the fourth time in six months racy photos of Miley have surfaced on the Internet. Is Miley leaking the pictures herself in a "frustrated attempt to let the world see a different side of her?" Or is it her disloyal friends? "Can you imagine how uncool it is to be 16 and doing Hannah Montana? It's a show for 5 to 12 year old girls," says and insider. Next: "Britney and Kevin's Fears for Jayden" Remember last week when Britney attended Jenny McCarthy's benefit and watched a video on autism "with rapt attention?" Though "not specifically concerned about autism" K-Fed thinks Jayden may have a developmental issue because he "often seems to be in his own world" and "often starts crying for no apparent reason." Kevin's rep denies. As previously reported, Anne Hathaway is involved in a "Nude Photo Scandal." The FBI has seized her ex-boyfriend's computer, which could contain dozens of nude photos and videos of the star. This story is illustrated with a cover picture of her side boob. Stay classy, Life & Style!
Grade: F+ (incapacitated by sun stroke)


In Touch
Fearing that the "sexiest bodies" aren't enough to sell magazines, In Touch raunches it up with the "69 Sexiest Bodies on the Beach" Picture every celebrity bathing suit photo you've seen in the past six months, you've essentially read this 10-page story. With a "healthy 7-week old baby, new house and wedding on the horizon, Jaime Lynn Spears and her fiancé, Casey Aldridge should be having the time of their lives." Because nothing's more fun than being a pregnant teen, caring for an infant, and moving. "Casey, is unhappy because he feels like he's being forced to marry Jaime Lynn, because they have a baby together." Probably because he's being forced to marry her because they have a baby together. Moving on: "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Weeks" shows how week by week, Kate Hudson did all the things that "make men run for the hills" such as saying "I love you," meeting his children, and "flying to see him in Ohio while he was busy welcoming Sen. John McCain to his cancer summit." Next up, cameras rolled as Lauren Conrad has lunch with her "new co-star" Holly, a.k.a. Heidi's sister. They "seemed to be having a great time" and talked about how Spencer is a bad influence on Heidi. Jessica Simpson's vague comment to Elle that "I have definitely experienced abuse" spawns a two-page story speculating about which ex may have abused her. Mad Men star Jon Hamm used to work in soft porn - as a set dresser. "It wasn't a great job," he says, because the industry is "sort of degrading and awful." Finally "The Most Amazing Transformations" include Ashlee Simpson and Ashely Tisdale, who got "confidence-boosting rhinoplasty," Miley Cyrus who is "thought to have gotten veneers" to cover up the mildly crooked teeth of a 14-year-old that she was sporting last year, when she was 14.
Grade: D- (2nd degree sun burn)


Star
"Having John's Baby - Now It's My Turn!" After seeing pictures of Brad and Angelina's babies, Jennifer Aniston is "even more determined to have a child she knows would be just as beautiful." She supposedly asked a friend, "Do you think John and I would have a good looking baby?" Her new Beverly Hills mansion has six bedrooms, so she must be planning on getting pregnant. In an unrelated item, John Mayer is obsessed with Jen's first movie, Leprechaun, which he plays over and over. This irritates Jen, but she doesn't say anything because it amuses him. Next up, Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze have been friends for years, but their relationship is "So Close ... So Fast!" because she was spotted sitting on his lap in a Portland, Oregon restaurant and has introduced him to Matilda. Shia LaBeouf's "mangled hand" is being written into Transformers 2 according to director Michael Bay. Also, his hand is much worse than people realize and "he was very close to losing his fingers," says an insider. Moving on: Britney's former manager Sam Lutfi may be writing a book in which he'll reveal that he once dragged Britney out of a cocaine party where she was stripping and doing lines with three guys. Blind item: "Which married TV star whose big summer movie just bombed is sleeping with his tennis instructor on the side? His wife has no idea her hubby is scoring on and off the court." Also, Ellen DeGeneres wants Oprah to officiate at her wedding to Portia De Rossi. Finally, Billy Ray Cyrus won't let Jesse McCartney date his daughter Miley. Jesse offered to bring a chaperone on their dates, but "that's not good enough for Billy Ray," probably because Jesse is 21 and Miley is 15, and that's pretty much illegal.
Grade: D (stung by a jelly fish)

Send an email to Margaret Hartmann, the author of this post, at margaret@jezebel.com.

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