How To Really Push Away A Pickup Artist

Nerve.com advice columnist Erin Bradley takes on the oh-so-tough question of what a good insult is to throw at the guy at the bar for whom "Go away" is an invitation to keep talking. Her advice? Tell him to go away. Great, well, sometimes that doesn't work. Some guys are just that persistent. Sometimes you're playing wing-woman and the dude hasn't noticed the play, but you can't leave your girl behind. And sometimes, you kind of just want to be a cunt. So what then? A few thoughts on a subject not covered by Erin are after the jump.

• Yes, you have every right to be in a bar without harassment. But life's not fair. So if a guy is so full of himself that he doesn't understand the word "no," just leave. If you paid a cover — and particularly if you have asked for assistance from the bartender and been refused — ask to see the manager on the way out, explain why you're leaving and ask for your money back. You might not get it, but it'll feel good to yell at someone.
• One of my time-honored plays is to direct his attention to another woman with whom he might have better luck. It's not the fairest thing to other women, but I figure if we all keep him moving, then no one has to deal with him for more than a few minutes. And, really, the type of guy who just won't quit will fall for this every time.
• Start talking (preferably in a high pitched voice) about how you recently designed your perfect engagement ring online and gave the link to your ring buddy who is just right over there and that you should probably introduce the two of them.
• Don't claim homosexuality. Dudes like this think that's even hotter.
• Grab his left hand and loudly ask the people around you if they like his wedding ring (assuming he's wearing one). Alternately, point out the tan line or ring marks on that finger equally loudly.
• Talk about your recent bout with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and the huge bruises the inter-abdominal antibiotic injections left on your stomach.
• A friend of mine offers to buy shots and then orders one of Wild Turkey and Tabasco for him (or make up your own vomit-inducing combo!) and water for her. She calls it "entertaining."
• Fish in your purse for a pen with which to write your number and pull out a tampon, preferably of the Super variety, instead.
• Use the phrase "vaginal prolapse" in a sentence.
• Any story you can tell about damage to the genitals is your friend. Bonus points if you caused the damage.
• Cry about something, preferably a dead cat or relative. Demi-Moore-In-Ghost style tears don't count, your eyes must swell and get bloodshot, you must begin to blubber and your nose must run.
• "A sphincter says, 'What.'"
• Call your mother, or fake-call your mother. It helps if you can call her "Mommy" with a straight face.
• Talk about how your sisters call you 'Terminator 3' because of all the abortions you've had.

But's that just me. What do you do?

Deflating A Persistent Pick Up Artist [Nerve]

Send an email to Megan Carpentier, the author of this post, at askalobbyist@gmail.com.

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