Miley Cyrus Is A "Whore," Eva Longoria Is "Fat" & "Ugly People" Should Live In A Concentration Camp

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, Eva Longoria is fat and Miley Cyrus is a slut. That's all anyone wanted to blog about...really. (Remember ladies! In gossip blog land you can never be too thin or too virginal.) As usual, the continued degradation of female celebrities and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin!




The Accused: Yeeeah!

The Crime: Nasty, mean, misanthropic, supposedly funny comments that condemn a thin woman for being fat.

The Evidence:

"These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and 'by storm' I mean 'she looks fat.' Not that there's anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there's not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can't infect the rest of us beautiful people. It's what Darwin would have wanted."

It's not funny; Eva Longoria is not fat. Humanity is doomed.

The Sentence: One-way ticket to Malawi, where a crop failure, flood and droughts have three million people on the verge of a severe hunger emergency. You probably won't want to ever make fat jokes again.

The Accused: WWTDD?

The Crime: Lookism; possible Holocaust joke.

The Evidence:

"I don't mind that a gay person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan, I mind that an ugly person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan. I don't like it when ugly people flaunt their sexuality right in front of me. It's unsettling. They should really have some kind of camp where ugly people go to concentrate on how to get sexier. A 'concentration camp,' if you will."

I think we can all agree that not a single word or thought behind this is funny. Is this site supposed to be humor? Or gossip? Or just mean-spiritedness? What is its point? I am having an existential crisis.

The Sentence: Learn the value of having eyes at all: 90 days working for the World Health Organization's Alliance for the Global Elimination of Blinding Trachoma, which performs surgery in countries where conditions and infections cause people to go blind.

The Accused: Perez Hilton

First Count: Weight-mocking.

The Evidence:

"Not Pregnant, Just Fat—For Real!

Rumors keep swirling that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is sperminated.

The tiny Latina has put on a few extra pounds recently.

Will they say it's for a potential movie role?

Close enough.

According to

her rep, Eva has gained weight for her show.

Says the publicist, 'For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives Gabrielle [Eva's character] has "gained" weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.'

We guess she likes the role so much that she's decided to wear the butt and stomach pads everywhere she goes!"

I don't get it. Are pigs flying? Is hell cold? Because those things would have to be true if Eva Longoria is fat.

Second Count: Calling a 15-year-old slut.

The Evidence:

"Y'all Wanna See My Panties?? That Miley sure loves lifting up her shirts and skirts. Slut!"

A young woman who poses with her hem hiked up is not necessarily a slut. A young woman who poses naked is not necessarily a slut. How you can call someone you don't know a slut — based on a photo in which 96% of her body is covered — and get paid to "write" on the internet is baffling.

Third Count: Calling the same 15-year-old a "teen slut" and a "Disney whore," based on some possibly fake photos.

The Evidence:

"Miley Almost Naked! When will she ever learn???? Wow. Wow. Wow. These photos look very very real. But, we're working under the assumption that they're fake… Isn't it too young to be posing for photos like that????"

Isn't it a shame that Miley's cell phone might have been hacked? Isn't it a awful that these "almost naked" pictures are actually pretty tame, but that saying so wouldn't garner as many pageviews? Isn't terrible that someone makes money off of speculation about a teenage girl's private life?

The Sentence: Suggestions welcome.






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