Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we read mind-numbing celebrity tabloids so you don't have to. Celebrity news is slow this week, which is why Lindsay Lohan's Lezebel Leanings are cover-worthy. Jessica Alba's new baby Honor Marie gets her own cover; Angelina's twins win two covers and the last is for Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal. Intern Margaret assists as we rummage through the leftovers in search of delicious gossip in the iceboxes of OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump.
Life & Style
"Is Lindsay Gay?" Are Lindsay and Sam "finally" coming out, asks the magazine? Intern Margaret laments all the old info in this story and calls it a "waste of time." But! According to a pal, LL and Sam got matching tattoos. What do you think they got inked? Moving on: Britney is so desperate for a real friend, she had to go sunbathing with her dad. Next: Vanessa Hudgens, 19, was "throwing back drinks" while vacationing with Zac Efron, but the drinking age on the Caribbean island is 18, so who cares? (Intern Margaret says, "The info in this issue was so lame and so old, I actually checked the date on the front cover to make sure I had the right one.") Mary-Kate made a T-shirt with Heidi and Spencer's faces on it and the text: "Heidi's Ho." Apparently Lauren Conrad wants one. Lastly: The story called "Ashlee's Junk Food Pregnancy Diet" really belongs in a Hall Of Shame. The Simpson family went to a Mexican restaurant and ordered a bunch of appetizers. "Everyone else was nibbling, but Ashlee ate more than her share," says a source. And she had her own entrée. THE HORROR! The magazine says: "The plate of two deep-fried Tijuana eggrolls could have as many as 2,015 calories — about what Ashlee should be eating in an entire day!" Continues the story: "Ashlee's problem is that she believes she's eating for two," says an insider. Maybe because she is gestating a human in her womb?
Grade: F (freezer-burned frozen pizza)
"The Twins Are Here!" After an "amazing nine months," Angelina has given birth. A hospital insider says: "The babies are not big criers. Angelina is in great condition, but a bit fatigued." Moving on: Jen Aniston was "betrayed" by John Mayer. While in Amsterdam, John met a woman he thought was Dutch and said "I am John, I am a singer." She turned out to be a writer, Chaton Anderson, from California. She knew he was dating Jen but asked him what his relationship status was. He said "It's vague." She asked him to clarify and he said, "You know, it's very vague." Also inside: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens had a "sexy vacation" in Turks & Caicos and there are four pages of pictures to prove it. On a photo of Jessica Simpson, the mag uses the phrase "Da Bomb", rendering it officially uncool (Fig 1). Is Lindsay getting skinny for Sam? She want to be as slim as her girlfriend, who weighs 104 lbs. Oh, and they share clothes. Was A-Rod tricked by Madonna? Her "friend" says: "Madonna is a huge flirt and she knows how to make someone feel like they're the center of her universe. She knew that she meant a lot to [A-Rod], but never discouraged him." Next: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr might be broken up, because Miranda was seen making out with oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Suri Cruise has a French tutor! She knows more words in English, but she's doing really well in French. She's two.
Grade: D- (milk one week past its expiration date)
"Dream Baby." Jessica Alba sold herself — and her family — to the mag. Little Honor Marie's first photo shoot! Apparently the birth was very calm. Jessica says, "I didn't scream… It was really zen… The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused." Husband Cash Warren says: "I want [Honor] to look like me because a daughter looking like Jessica, I'd kill myself!" Also: The name Honor is stolen from one of Jessica's friends who liked it but was done having kids. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson hold hands in public now and Sam has updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship." Love! The ladies who look "Better After Breakup" are: Carrie Underwood, Pink and Liv Tyler. The "10 Ways To Spot A Cheater" story has Christie Brinkley in the lead photo, ouch. An insider thinks Jennifer Aniston will marry John Mayer before her 40th in February. The "How Melissa Joan Hart Shed The Baby Weight" article has two important details: She has a trainer and a nutritionist.
Grade: D (moldy bread)
"Reese & Jake's Family Vacation." The story opens with a super cute picture of Jake, Reese and Ava holding hands, awww (Fig. 2). The group went to London and Paris and it was a "trial run" for Jake to see if he could handle the kids. It's a 6-page story with tons of pictures but it was pretty run-of-the-mill: They went into through The Chunnel, watched fireworks, swam in the pool, ate pizza. Moving on: There's no new news in the Angelina twins story but in the sidebar, a "pal" says of Jennifer Aniston: "She hopes the twins are beautiful. She'd never want anyone to be unhappy with their kids." Next: Katherine Heigl will "die" on Grey's Anatomy! Izzie may get a brain tumor because the writers are still mad at her. "Hunky" Jeffrey Dean Morgan may come back in visions brought on by the tumor. So you know those pictures of Heidi and Spencer holding guns? They're learning to shoot and handle firearms in honor of Heidi's stepbrother who died in Iraq. Spencer says, "Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq. And if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing." T.R. Knight, 35, has moved in with his boyfriend Mark Cornelsen, 19. Natalie Portman has moved from New York to L.A. and is spending loads of time with bf Devendra Banhart. "A visibly shaken" Verne Troyer sat down with the magazine to talk about his sex tape kerfluffle. It was the idea of Ranae, the ex-girlfriend, to make a video, says Verne: "She kept the tape in her camera on top of the closet where I couldn't even reach it!"
Grade: D+ (wet, damaged, wilted lettuce)
"Shiloh Meets The Twins!" Okay, so Angelina gave birth and Shiloh left her dolls at home to go visit the twins. She brought toy bottles as presents for the babies, aww. When they told Shiloh the names of the kids, she said "Vivi and Nosh?" because she can't pronounce Vivienne and Knox. So those are the twins' new nicknames. The night before the babies were born, Brad Pitt and Angie's bro James Haven slept in Angie's room. The whole birthing process was filmed. Baby Knox was in the "dangerous" feet-first position. But everything turned out alright. Brad took his shirt off and held Knox against his skin — and Angelina did the same with Vivienne — according to the mag, "so the infants both had the feeling of their parents' flesh as their first sensation." Moving on: "More To Love" is a story about how Jessica Simpson has gained 30 lbs. Apparently when she's happy, she's heavier, and when she's sad, she's skinny. There's a chart of her ups and downs but she kind of looks the same in every picture. She's been telling friends she wants a baby because it would be cute if she and sister Ashlee had kids that were close in age. The idea of that freaks Tony out. Next: The new 90210 maybe have a "cat fight" brewing, since the ladies on the show feuded years ago and are coming back. Jennie Garth is nervous about working with Shannen Doherty and eagerly awaiting Tori Spelling's arrival on set. Also inside: Michael Bublé just broke up with Emily Blunt and has already been spotted with a blonde… and the next night, a brunette. For some reason the magazine prints the receipt from when Colin Farrell and his girlfriend bought a pregnancy test at Rite Aid. Is 22-year-old Amanda Bynes dating 34-year-old Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy fame? Reese and Jake will use their dog, Atticus, as the ring bearer at their as-yet-unplanned wedding. Yes, this is the dog that Jake and Kiki Dunst adopted together. But Atticus now lives with Reese full time. Blind item! "Which rock star's teenage daughter is heading down the same path as her parents? A source says she is drinking and drugging with other rich kids in Malibu." Madonna and Guy Ritchie's children are "caught in the middle" of their tumultuous lives. Seven year old Rocco made a "desperate" trans-Atlantic phone call to his dad, saying he missed him and begging him not to leave. Days later, Guy arrived in New York. The day after the pictures of Lindsay and Sam holding hands were taken, Sam flew to Vancouver for a gig. LL sent her a Facebook message that said,"Baby baby, baby, I miss you already. I hate that you had to leave me this morning. I love you." Lastly: It's a gir;! Star can "exclusively" reveal that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is having a daughter. The due date: October 31, Halloween. Pete Wentz, who has been sewing since high school, is making onesies and diapers for the kid already.
Grade: C (congealed spaghetti with sauce)