Doug Feith Defends Torture, But Knows Nothing Of Beaver

Today, yet again, another Bush Administration toady who isn't Karl Rove, Harriet Myers or Josh Bolton will head up to Capitol Hill to testify before Congress that everything is hunky-dory, they were just following orders, torture isn't really torturous, blah, blah, blah. But today, the Windy's own Spencer Attackerman is on the case so we got our mocking muscles ready (it's like Obama's workout, only minus the hotness of Reggie Love and with a lot more bad jokes) and proceeded to debate the appropriate punishment of the Bush Administration criminal types, the relative worth of Monster energy drink, German versus American gas prices, offshore drilling and whether AP Washington Bureau Chief Ron Fournier is a huge suckup or completely biased. It's all after the jump, people.

MEGAN: Just for the record, I thought it important to note at this juncture that I spent 12 Euro this morning on a T-shirt that says "Good Bush, Bad Bush" and features a picture of a woman yanking down her underwear and one of George Bush, but mostly just because it was 12 Euros and a nice heavy T-shirt. I'm hoping to wear it, like, around the Republican convention or something.

And, I have been wondering for the better part of the last week what gas costs here vs. in America between the exchange rate and the liter/gallon conversion and in the last 3 minutes I have calculated it. At today's exchange rate, gas is about $9.36/gallon in Germany (at least in this part of Germany). So, um, I think we've got a long was to go gas-price-wise.

SPENCER: the Germans had better lift their ban on offshore oil drilling then how else will they maybe bring the price of gas down 3 cents in maybe 30-40 years?

MEGAN: I mean, not even Bush fucking believes that shit, he just wants more gas because you know he ain't getting back on a Segway any time soon.

SPENCER: also, you know what's disgusting? Monster Energy Drink. I don't know how people drink this shit, but I have like 15 oz to go and while the Sunk Cost Fallacy doesn't apply to, say, investment strategy or the Iraq war, I feel like it has a certain logic when it comes to morning beverages.

I drove to Baltimore and back on Saturday but thanks to the miracle of Zipcar's gas-dedicated credit card I did not purchase gas

MEGAN: What happened to you drinking coffee? All those "energy" drinks — and especially Red Bull — taste list over processed Mountian Dew to me.

SPENCER: you, my Carolla-wielding friend, are fucked. I like Red Bull

MEGAN: Luckily, I hardly drive my Corolla.

SPENCER: hahahaha one of my friend's status message is "Now I have Toyota Corolla. Just like everybody else."

MEGAN: I mean, I've had it 8 years in December and it's got like 65,000 miles on it, and that includes trips home and all the driving I used to do for work.

SPENCER: I had to stop in a magazine shop to buy a an offensive magazine to get offended at in public and all they had was Monster Energy Drink.

MEGAN: I've just bought fashion magazines to do something with later when I have a scanner, but there's one in which the nipples are airbrushed out just like in America! Anyway, we should probably also talk about the whole Pat Tillman investigation that's going nowhere fast, if only to get to the following quote which I found horrible.

The committee cited one exchange between White House political chief Karl Rove and Ron Fournier, then a political reporter for The Associated Press.

In a chain under the subject line "H-E-R-O," Rove replied to an e-mail from Fournier by saying, "How does our country continue to produce men and women like this?"Fournier replied, "The Lord creates men and women like this all over the world. But only the great and free countries allow them to flourish. Keep up the fight."

MEGAN: The fuck? And now he's head of the AP's Washington Bureau? I guess it just goes to show you can have political opinions and still get to the top of your profession as a journalist or something like that. Maybe as long as they're Republican.

SPENCER: ok, I saw my old boss flag this, but honestly, BFD. Fournier wrote a source-greasing email that didn't say anything particularly offensive. Reporters do this all the time — Rove would call it "strategery"

MEGAN: I just meant the creepy religio-patriotism about it skeeves me. But I'll trust you on that and defend you when your emails come out in 6 years or something for sure.

SPENCER: As to Fournier's political leanings, I remember watching Recount with you — Fournier was the guy who calls Ron Klain on election night to tell Gore not to concede, which is way more partisan than this email to Rove

MEGAN: Omg, you're so right. So he's really just a slimy suck-up like I always was as a lobbyist. Ah, the good old days.

SPENCER: or am I just part of the journalistic problem now by not being offended by it?

MEGAN: We're all part of the problem, right? Do we care to comment on Rove defending ignoring subpoenas or is it par for the course and we're done caring?

SPENCER: I'm actually trying to write a piece about shit like this for a magazine-that-shall-not-be-named, and I want to call it "The Politics of Retribution"

MEGAN: By the way, Der Speigel's website apparently has a timer counting down to the end of the Bush Administration. And if one more person asks me who is going to win, I'm going to say something crazy like "Ralph Nader" and then laugh hysterically and start speaking in tongues. About the subpoenas thing?

SPENCER: see, Rove and the rest of them will only respect coercion and force, but Obama's candidacy/presidency is predicated on hope and all that shit

MEGAN: So they don't know how to react to people being polite to them?

SPENCER: so the piece would be about how he should use the Senate Democrats and Attorney General John Edwards to launch an onslaught of persecution aimed at uncovering the abuses of the last 8 years

MEGAN: Aw, angry Johnny! I miss him and his pretty hair.

SPENCER: like a smart strategy for Obama in Year One would be to order a mass declassification about, like, rendition, torture, the U.S. attorney firings, everything you see covered on TPM

MEGAN: Ooh, that would be awesome. And not just because maybe someone would eventually hire me to dig through all of that shit and write about it.

SPENCER: not only does that bring all of this shit out into the light, it a) distracts the press while Obama launches into his universal health care/Iraq withdrawal agenda and b) it gets the right to lawyer up and cower in fear, constraining it from blocking said agenda and there's more! Implicitly, it acts as a really satisfying fuck-you

MEGAN: But, it does make Ben Ginsburg and his skeevy lawyer ilk a shit ton of money.

SPENCER: like, "Oh, you want U.S. persons communications' deemed merely 'relevant' to 'foreign intelligence information' wiretapped under a blanket warrant? Cool! Well, Mr. Feith, every time you call Ahmed Chalabi, I'mma be on the other line"

MEGAN: Oh, Dougie Feith! It'll be like all our favorite criminals seated on big panels. It'll be the left-wing McCarthyism. We'll get our own Fred Thompson.Except for he's Watergate, but you know what I mean.

SPENCER: or: "Oh, you want to be able to put a black bag over a motherfucker's head, google him, strap him up in the belly of a C-130 and drop him off into the middle of nowhere? You got it, Mr. Rumsfeld! One minute you're at your Kalorama crib complaining to Joyce about why she can't love you longtime like Midge Decter and the next you're dropped off on the side of the road in Spain, where Judge Baltasar Garzon has an indictment out for you for war crimes. Send me a postcard from the Hague!"

MEGAN: Well, hopefully you know what I mean, because I don't really, but in another interesting German story, I once worked at a language lab in college and got her hear the testimony of Bertold Brecht before the House Committee on Un-American Activities and he wrapped all them bitches up in knots, drove out to Dulles and hopped a plane to East Berlin. Where would Feith go?

SPENCER: speaking of Feith, he's going to be testifying to a House Judiciary panel at 10 about his role in authorizing torture which is why I can't stay crappying with you much longer

MEGAN: Totally cool, are you blogging it for Windy?

SPENCER: yeah

MEGAN: Are they going to ask him about the Beaver memo?

SPENCER: I believe they will! Mr. Feith, how familiar are you with a certain 2002 Beaver communication...?

MEGAN: So many double entendres, so little time.

SPENCER: Congressman, I can safely say no Beaver has ever talked to me, and if one did, I would not listen.

MEGAN: Mr Feith, are you saying you have no familiarity with anything Beaver related?

SPENCER: christ this Monster shit is DISGUSTING and it's making my chest hurt

MEGAN: Um, then, I think you should stop drinking it, your $1.75 be damned.