Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

The new Free People catalog arrived, and it is full of fugly: Mismatched patterns, awkward layers, misshapen knits and (yikes!) elephantine bell-bottoms. If you love sleek, polished, pretty and sophisticated clothing, you're out of luck! Oh, the catalog has a rather "international" look, to be sure, but it's not as "jet set" as it is "oppressed proletariat." Bolshevik babe duds have a place in this world - just not in my closet. Faux-rustic ensembles for the plebe in you, after the jump.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

Fall is coming! Time to hunker down in your non-existent off-the-grid cottage and figure out a way to eat when you've spent all your cash on clothes!

We The Free bomber jacket, $248; Wild At Heart dress, $228; Barolo buckle boot, $498.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

Ew. Really, there's not much more to say. I'm tempted to write something about the way impoverished (non-Western?) people wear items of clothing and put certain ensembles together in an effort to just be clothed and not in a fashion-conscious way; and we shouldn't romanticize paupers; how it is important to remember that new, unworn clothing for style purposes is a privilege not everyone on the globe is lucky to know, but really, when it comes right down to it, "Ew" is a more appropriate statement to make in this particular situation.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

You have to wonder if the woman on the right knew what she was getting herself into. Was she paid? Is she a model now? Ah well, this catalog loves using people as accessories.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

Looks like someone stood on the breadline and actually got bread! The difference between dressing like a Hans Christan Anderson fairy tale and living one is that the Little Match Girl could never have afforded those $498 boots. By the by, you can get a first-edition HCA book for about the same price.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

Wow, schoolgirl-gone-wild. How innovative. And expensive!

Buckled up menswear dress, $148; pleated skirt dropwaist skirt, $88; diamond pointelle over the knee socks, $24.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

While mixing patterns can be bold and beautiful, this combination is annoying and jarring to the eye. Plus! Does this look like a $500 ensemble to you? It's $456 not including the tights or the boots.

Road to discovery top, $68; pleated camp skirt, $98; dripping knit scarf, $78; ribbed surprise over the knee socks, $24; Scouts charm necklace, $188.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

Attention people who hate skinny jeans: Look at what is coming down the pipe. Are you happy now?

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

These "rugged herringbone pants" are $98, but the unflattering crotch and thigh area is free with your purchase.

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

How much for the couch?

Free People: Hideous Iron-Curtain Nostalgia Will Set You Back A Few Rubles

Really? Seriously? Dear Free People: Your "vision" for fall makes my eyes hurt.

[Free People]

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