Hola, patriots! We have a treat for you today at Crappy Hour: we read two really long stories for you, Gail Sheehy's first rough draft of the demise of Hillaryland in Vanity Fair and Seymour Hersh's investig-planation of what exactly your tax dollars are doing in Iran. And oh my goodness, the stuff we knew that we tried to forget knowing that, no no no, really just happened! Like how Hillary and Bill tried to pressure Obama into making her his running mate. Or how Admiral William Silver Fox Fallon quit because he was sick of hearing about the CIA funding a bunch of druggies and Al Qaeda surrogates just because they support "regime change" in Iran. Or how Hillary stopped paying Patti Solis Doyle. But anyway, we dug through and found some juicy revelations. Like the identity of the undermining aide behind Hillary's terrible chunky jewelry and ill-fitting pantsuits! (Although not that of the hot guy standing behind her in all the pictures. Yet!) Anyway, that, Al Qaeda in Algeria, a few memory lane changes with Gang Of Four and Time's Man of the Year 1951, and the poor Chinese guys locked up at Gitmo, parsed by me and Megan after the jump.
MOE: oh here you are...
MEGAN: As always, right here, just multitasking and reading crap on the internet
MOE: I just remembered it was my afternoon off which is really fucking good because I am totally out of ADD drugs again and um, I had to get really wasted last night.
MEGAN: Yeah, I'm taking the afternoon off as well, but mostly so that I can drive back to D.C.
MEGAN: So, want to see the shittiest ads of the Presidential race so far?
MOE: Oh Jesus. Oh fucking Jesus. Okay, let's play a game: what's more depressing?You knew we were holding Saudis, Yemenis and Pakistanis without evidence in Gitmo, but did you know about the Chinese???
MOE: There are 16 Uighurs there, picked up mostly in Afghanistan after they got sick of the Chinese oppressing them.
MEGAN: Aw, dude, we have 16 Uighurs? Great. How much you want to bet that the Chinese got their intel on the Uighur terrorist threat against the Olympics that they used to justify further oppression from us?
MEGAN: Oh, wait, that was easy. Here's an article about it from the Voice of America, which is America's radio station abroad.
MOE: Yeah aren't we not allowed to listen to VOA in America because it's propaganda? And yes the Chinese assistance in the war on terror is very invaluable to our struggle against Muslim extremism which is the worst problem a country has ever faced in the history of modern statehood!
MEGAN: "They" will destabilize our government if we let "them," so we must protect the most important parts from destabilization, and the Bill of Rights is only, like, the 3rd most important document, definitely.
MEGAN: It doesn't say anything about the pursuit of happiness or executive privilege.
MOE: I love this headline: Judges Cite Need for Reliable Evidence To Hold Detainees …
MOE: it's like something you'd read in the daily newspaper of some fledgling democracy!
MEGAN: Judges Ask Administration To Stick To Principles On Which Country Founded, Not Dismantle Democracy In The Name Of Security
MEGAN: Well, if we want to stick to depressing news, how about a Biblical justification for attacking Michelle Obama (and, basically, every Jezebel) for defying God himself by not being subservient and thereby attacking Barack for not being godly enough to appropriately control his wife?
MOE: Dude apropos of absolutely nothing while I try to slog through the Gail Sheehy piece on Hillaryland and the Sy Hersh piece on Iran under the influence of absolutely no drugs check.out. this outfit. It looks like something Huma Abedin might recommend!
MEGAN: Dude, don't slog, I can break that shit down for you.
MEGAN: 1: Hillary and Bill hired a bunch of people who didn't get along, thinking that was a great campaign strategy. Like her Senate office and, frankly, the Bush Administration, it was a insular group of people used to defending the hordes.
MEGAN: 2. Mark Penn sucks and blames everyone else for his failing.
MEGAN: 3. Everyone hates Mark Penn, who used to privately call Bill Clinton when he couldn't convince Hillary or the other staff to do what he wanted because he's a tattle-taling bitch.
MOE: Also there was this
He sounded giddy, recalls Congressman Altmire. "'We're going to win Ohio for sure, and Texas looks good, and we're coming to Pennsylvania 'he said. ‘Keep your powder dry. Don't endorse anybody-just wait it out.'?"The flattered first-term congressman said he was concerned that Senator Clinton might not play well on the top of the ticket. "President Bush won my district twice … "
Clinton interrupted him. "How well did I do in your district?"
"You won it twice."
"Well, there you go," Clinton said, gloating."
There was silence for a while, and Clinton assumed he had won his case."
"With all due respect," Altmire finally said, "you're not on the ballot this year."
MOE: NEITHER IS ROSS PEROT!
MEGAN: 4. Ickes is pissed that Mark Penn made $20 million dollars, sucked, ran roughshod over him and still went out of his way to take politically untouchable clients (i.e., the Colombian government).
MEGAN: 5. The chunky Chicos necklaces and jewel-toned pantsuits were all the fault of Huma Abedin who is herself impeccably dressed, so she's now the world's biggest underminer.
MEGAN: 6. Hillary's make-up artist matched her eyeshadow to her suit jackets.
MEGAN: 7. Mark Penn railed against Hillary every showing emotion because he is at his core a sexist pig who doesn't believe women can be women and still President EVEN THOUGH that's the times when she connected best with voters.
MEGAN: 8. Both Clinton's undertook a concerted effort to pressure Obama into taking her as VP to the horror of most other Democrats who found it unseemly
MEGAN: 9. Patti Solis Doyle was ousted because they were out of money, not that they were out of money, per se, they were just out of primary money because donors can give $2300 to the primaries and $2300 to the general election campaign.
MEGAN: 10. Reporters were all drunk on the plane between Iowa and New Hampshire.
MEGAN: 11. Mark Penn sucks some more and is insufferably arrogant.
MEGAN: The end!
MOE: Okay so far on this. 1. Bush wants "regime change" and he's paid $400 million to fund it so far but that doesn't get you so far.
MOE: 2. There's some group called the Baluchis who are going to help us out because, you know, they're SUNNI.
MEGAN: !. Not in a country with oil it doesn't. In Cuba maybe.
MOE: 3. Some Democrats have gone along with this TREASON
MEGAN: 2. Not that McCain knows the difference between that and Shi'ites
MEGAN: 3. Um, they totally did, like they always do. Bush gives good belly rubs!
MOE: 4. The Joint Chiefs are not fans of this plan.
MOE: 5. Admiral William Fallon: I want to have his babies.
MEGAN: 4. The Joint Chiefs don't want their military legacies to be tons more soldiers dying in a pointless war.
MEGAN: 5. I'll leave that one to you. I wouldn't want to quit drinking for 9 months.
MOE: You don't have to completely quit, and definitely not for the whole nine months! Also you don't keep it down very well in the first few months of pregnancy anyway.
MEGAN: Yeah, I've heard that, though it reportedly depends on the woman. Also, with my personal history of (probably but not definitely developmental) birth defects, I probably would have to be way stricter than average.
MOE: But also I was not actually saying that literally just in response to:
Too many people believe you have to be either for or against the Iranians," he told me. "Let's get serious. Eighty million people live there, and everyone's an individual. The idea that they're only one way or another is nonsense."
When it came to the Iraq war, Fallon said, "Did I bitch about some of the things that were being proposed? You bet. Some of them were very stupid."
MEGAN: Yeah, that is pretty fucking sexy. I'd hit it.
MOE: 6. There are some laws, about how Congress needs to hear about it if the CIA declares war on The Iran, because Congress is where the CIA would get money to do such a thing, but the Bush Administration maybe doesn't know about those laws, because they are still operating from the rule book that they were using when United Fruit chipped in most of the $$ for regime changes andsuch, only instead of United Fruit they are maybe finding another source for the money. (Bernanke?)
"The agency says we're not going to get in the position of helping to kill people without a Finding," the former senior intelligence official told me. He was referring to the legal threat confronting some agency operatives for their involvement in the rendition and alleged torture of suspects in the war on terror. "This drove t"the over-all authorization includes killing, but it's not as though that's what they're setting out to do. It's about gathering information, enlisting support."
And how are you going to enlist support if you don't kill a few evildoers here and there???
MEGAN: More likely Chevron.
MEGAN: And, obviously, if you didn't mean to kill them, it's, like, totally ok. Casualties of an undeclared war, man.
MOE: 7. There is some group called the Gang of Eight that includes Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and John Rockefeller and it occurred to me that I forgot the members of the Gang of Four besides Jiang Qing. You always remember the girl involved in something like that. BTW God bless YouTube!
MEGAN: I mean, the problem with getting a declaration of war is that no President has really ever bothered. They get an authorization to do whatever the fuck they want to do and then use it, bypassing Congress's constitutional powers in that regard.
MEGAN: His hip thrusting is kind of freaking me out, man.
MOE: Ew yeah I know…if cheap wine is doing that to him…btw Admiral Fallon's nickname is "Fox". Silver fox!
"Fox said that there's a lot of strange stuff going on in Special Ops, and I told him he had to figure out what they were really doing," Fallon's colleague said. "The Special Ops guys eventually figured out they needed Fox, and so they began to talk to him. Fox would have won his fight with Special Ops but for Cheney."
The Pentagon consultant said, "Fallon went down because, in his own way, he was trying to prevent a war with Iran, and you have to admire him for that."
MEGAN: He really just does get foxier the more you read.
MOE: 8. Were we speaking of cheap wine? Because there was an explosion someplace in The Iran called "Shiraz."
MEGAN: Which the Australians pronounce Shur-azz instead of Shur-ahz
MOE: 9. Oh yeah, remember Mossadegh? Weird how you can't spell that name without "Mossad." Anyway he's briefly mentioned, not by name but I always wondered what happened to him and turns out he stayed under house arrest until 1967. He was TIME's Man of the Year in 1951. Dude old Timestyle was soooo trippy.
For all its power, the West in 1951 failed to cope with a weeping, fainting leader of a helpless country; the West had not yet developed the moral muscle to define its own goals and responsibilities in the Middle East. Until the West did develop that moral muscle, it had no chance with the millions represented by Mossadegh.
Hahahah they sure found some growth hormones for that whole "moral muscle" problem!
MEGAN: But, like steroids, it kind of rots your brain and shrinks your testes and makes you pissed off and gives you unsightly acne. Or whatever the foreign policy equivalent of those things are.
MOE: 9. We are overestimating the amount of ethnic tension we can stir up in Iran because the Baluchis really hate the government but actually, the "Baluchis" according to Robert Baer, is just a more Italian family restaurant chain sounding name for Al Qaeda, and they are bad dudes who cut people's heads off and shit, no lie, KLS is a Baluchi, and so is Ramzi Yousef.
MEGAN: Oh, but, like usual, we'll just pay them now and depose them later!
MOE: 10. Then there is some Tufts professor who tells us about a violent Al Qaeda funded resistance movement called the Iranian People's Resistance Movement and wouldn't it just figure with a name like that they are supposedly connected to the "drug culture."
MEGAN: Wait, so there are two al Qaeda's in Iran? Nice.
MOE: 11. Probably more, but then there are some Kurdish groups too, and they all get shitloads of money from the CIA for doing absolutely nothing, and I think I just decided what to do with my life or at least the next year of it. "My Year In The Iranian Resistance." How about it Megan? We'd totes get famous. Angie and I were going to try to get a defense contract a la Efraim Diveroli but her boyfriend said it was probably too late for that. Her boyfriend who works, in the Pentagon, for a defense contractor. I wonder how much money the most highly remunerated person in the Pentagon makes. Anyway. Also I forgot to mention it but
MEGAN: Dude, I'm all up for going on the government cheese, especially if it's someplace cool like Iran and we could get a book deal out of it!
MOE: 12. Al Qaeda has money too and they're sending it to Algeria, maybe because it's the home of Zacarias Moussaoui and he was a hoot.
MEGAN: Well, if you're not talking defense contractors, the most highly remunerated person at the Pentagon is the SecDef.
MEGAN: Well, I guess that means al Qaeda doesn't like Sarko. If they're spending money their they must be recruiting there, and if they're recruiting there, I'm thinking Paris. They haven't had an attack yet, but we have, the UK has and Spain has.
MOE: No I am talking defense contractors. Also Pastor Pfleger I forgot to mention his appearance on GMA but he appeared on GMA.
MEGAN: Oh, well, then it's got to be, like, the CEO of Boeing or something. That's my guess.
MOE: Yeah but the CEO of Boeing ... not Mullally.. shit, I dunno, anyway, it's not important, his OFFICE is not in the Pentagon. See what I'm saying?
MEGAN: Ah, ok, I see what you're saying. I'll be the grunts who have to work in offices there still don't make more than the SecDef. I can't find his pay, but the highest guy below him makes $200,000, so I'm guessing it's about that or a little more.