"[Alli Sims] Is So Fuckin' Doughy You Wouldn't Be Surprised If You Walked In On Britney Trying To Eat Her Leg"

Welcome back to our weekly examination of the Crimes Against Womanity committed by gossip bloggers and the virtual wristslaps we issue out to our grammatically and creatively-challenged web friends. In this edition, we give Alli Sims (Britney's former assistant and aspiring pop-star), Brooke Hogan, Jennifer Garner, Britney Spears, and Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya.

get the revenge they deserve.

The Accused:Drunken Stepfather

The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling her a "slut," saying women should wear Burkas because they are unattractive.

The Evidence:"This is a product of the Britney Spears diet. Her name is Alli Simms [sic] and during all the break down, K-Fed years they were always seen together. I don't know much about it other than the fact that she looks like he and Britney had a lot in common, mainly their eating habits because she's so fuckin' doughy, you wouldn't be surprised if you walked in on Britney trying to eat her leg. The good news is that she knows she's got some pounds to lose and I guess takes the Tyra Banks advice that everyone has a bikini body, just as long as you have a really big piece of fabric to cover your fat ass and stomach up. They call the surrongs [sic], I call them a genius way to cover fat sluts up without them acknowledging that they are fat. Now if only they could find a sexy way to market a Burka so that the ugly bitch you're fucking covers her busted up mug and thinks she's just being fashionable. It'll make things easier for you to get it up."

The Punishment: Wow, the shock of actual commas and periods in this post of his has put me off my balance a little bit. However, a step towards grammar will not fool me, Mr. Martinez. He will be exported to Iran where he will be forced to get a sex change (totes legal over there!) and live out the rest of his life as the burka-wearing wifey of the oldest man we can find in the hottest, most religiously conservative area of the Middle East we can find.

The Accused:What Would Tyler Durden Do?

The Crime: Implying the divorce rumors about Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are the fault of Garner because of her perceived sexual prowess.

The Evidence: "I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this. He's probably losing interest. He's got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she's beautiful, Garner doesn't look like she'd be good in bed. She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something."

The Punishment: Have sex with the chick from Teeth. How do you like 'em sharp edges now?

The Accused: Egotastic

The Crime: Implying Brooke Hogan looks like a man (oh yes, haven't heard that one before) and that she is unattractive because of that.

The Evidence: ""I was gonna write something about how Brooke Hogan actually looks kind of hot in these pictures from the July issue of Maxim magazine, but then I realized that can't be Brooke Hogan, because the person in those pictures actually looks like a girl. If it really is Brooke, then Maxim must have paid a lot of money for the airbrushers to work their magic, and it looks like they would have needed quite a few heavy-duty spells."

The Punishment: Castration for not having the balls to think of a new joke and forced to become Brooke's personal suntan lotion-applier for life (because we hear she needs one).

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna

The Crime: More implication that a woman (Rock of Love 2's Daisy de la Hoya) looks like a man/ is a tranny. Demanding a woman prove her non-tranny status by posing nude.

The Evidence: "You're probably wondering who this weird-looking thing is, and her name is Daisy De La Hoya from VH1's Rock of Love 2. I think she might be related to Oscar but I'm not sure, nor am I sure whether or not I find her to be hot. I'm on the fence with this one because girl's got some dude-like facial qualities due to all the makeup she has on and definitely requires further investigation. Even the name Daisy is tranny-esque. Anyway, Daisy, if that's your real name, let's clear this situation up. Send me nudes."

The Punishment: An hour-long ass-kicking from Oscar.

The Accused: TMZ

The Crime: Mocking a woman's backside for not being unnaturally smooth.

The Evidence: "A-list nobody Phoebe Price may have finally found a way to make herself memorable - taking a picture of her loose, pasty, anatomically incorrect backside! Phoebe, age unknown, took time out of her busy schedule of standing outside the Ivy begging anyone to take her photo - to flash her congealed body, while doing something resembling a cartwheel on the beach this weekend. She's not ready for her closeup."

The Punishment: Being forced to do cartwheels along the beach from sunrise to sunset for a week.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way

The Crime: Implying they want to kill Britney Spears for having the audacity to walk around in a bikini in her house. Also: mocking her body.

The Evidence: "Britney Spears walked around outside her house in Beverly Hills yesterday, and from what I can tell, nobody has told her that she should never ever wear a bikini. Ever. Nine years ago, I would have shot my parents in the face to get in that. Now, I just want to shoot that propane tank. If I did, I'm pretty sure the city of Beverly Hills would give me some kind of award. Like the key to the city or a parade. And several corporations around the world would offer me the glamorous position of Senior Vice President of Lookin' Suave. I'm the man!

The Punishment: Forced to parade around Beverly Hills in nothing more than a bikini for an entire month. In January.

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