British GQ: "Having A Grim Nanny Is A Constant Aesthetic Poke In The Eye"

In fairness, it's A.A. Gill, and A.A. Gill is famous for being an alcoholic dyslexic, putting him in the esteemed company of our current president, oh yeah also for being an asshole, which I learned when Graydon Carter enlisted him to do a ridiculous takedown of some John-Georges Vongerichten restaurant he didn't like. And John-Georges got super-offended, which was the wrong response, but how about his self-professedly "hideous, racist, sexist, 19th century, embarrassingly stupid" guide to hiring a nanny in the latest British GQ? Decide for yourself!

In brief, West Indians make "marvellous surrogate mothers, which is odd because they have such terrifying children themselves" while Australians "are famous in Nannyworld for needing sex about as often as Bentleys need filling up. And in the same quantities," while South Africans are mostly to be avoided for their accents, (Elsewhere in British GQ it's noted that cover girl Charlize Theron has none.) Old liberal Europeans are "expensive and demanding" but will teach your child conversational French and to write letters "demanding the release of Aung San Suu Kyi." while Soviet bloc New European girls "will life happily in a converted broom cupboard and talk wistfully of how they could fit their grandmothers and cousins into the airing cupboard," though they are "seriously predatory when it comes to solvent men with their own cars." Having chosen an ethnic group compatible with your budget, political leanings and number of accumulated delusions of grandeur you intend to project onto your offspring, the more divisive dilemma of pretty vs. ugly takes center stage. "Mothers go for ugly because they just had a baby and they are flabby, grey-faced, lank-haired and tearful," he explains. "On the other hand, who would purposely go and buy a huge piece of hideous furniture to stand in the middle of every room of the house? Having a grim nanny is a constant aesthetic poke in the eye."

At this point, readers, you probably recognize that the point of posting this is simply to say, "See? Seeeeee how the satire-lite thing works, guys? See what they get away with?" Etc. etc. But Gill isn't done!

You may wonder why I'm telling you all this hideous, racist, sexist, 19th century, embarrassingly stupid shit…You wait: having a child, being responsible for children, gives the parent permission to say and do the most appallingly pernicious, unfair, vain and inconsiderate and cruel things. The moral of the nanny conversation is that you have to be a good person before you become a good father. Fatherhood won't turn you into a good person. Quite the reverse, it may make you into a far nastier one.

But hey, if you're a father, chances are you are a bad person, even if you weren't before, which is why family men have an easier time getting laid, because that's how evolution intended it, according to one of those new studies intended to prove to "nice" guys women sleep with dudes like A.A. Gill, when actually the real reason A.A. Gill gets laid is because, you know…it's a joke! There's no way he could possibly be that bad…

Yes, I digress.

British GQ

Bad Guys Really Do Get The Most Girls [New Scientist]