Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. These week the "writers" of these celebrity blogs call Jessica Simpson and Hilary Duff 'fat', Tila Tequila a 'whore', and Camila Alves (Matthew McConaughey's pregnant girlfriend) is a "maid" getting "preferential treatment" because of her ethnicity. After the jump, we punish the blogerati for their idiocy. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!
The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Denigrating a woman's looks for not being stereotypically "feminine"
The Evidence: "Can't she get that fixed??? Rumer Willis, aspiring "actress", attended the 2008 Crystal Lucy Women in Film Awards in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. Seriously, isn't there surgery where you can shave down your jaw??? We're sure some trannys have gotten it done to make themselves look more "feminine." Plastic surgery is not always a bad thing. Rumer should look into it! And, while she's there, she might wanna get her nose done too!" What did Rumer Willis ever do to Perez? She is a constant target for him — he takes every possible opportunity to criticize her for no reason. His continued denigration of alternative sexuality (last week: dissing Samantha Ronson, this week, implying Rumer Willis is a "tranny") make his gay-rights advocacy totally suspect. Apparently he only wants respect and rights for himself not for the actual community.
The Punishment: A kick in the nards from Rumer's dad, Bruce. He looks like he does not suffer fools gladly.
The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Equating bisexuality/stripping with prostitution.
The Evidence:"Here's Tila Tequila rockin' a tight purple dress like it was my birthday outside Mr. Chow's restaurant. Now people are saying that Tila isn't bisexual and making a big deal about it. But let me tell you something, every girl I've ever met who was willing to take their clothes off for money was also willing to dyke out for money too. So enough with this nonsense that she's a fake. Girl is open for business." I'm no fan of Ms. Tequila's but the assumption that she is gay for pay is just tasteless.
The Punishment: Having to watch 72 straight hours of Ms. Tequila's A Shot of Love, Clockwork Orange-style, with eyes forced open the entire time.
The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Felony body snarking
The Evidence: "Top fitness experts recommend hot dogs for breakfast, and it must be the key to how Hilary Duff has shed her unwanted sexiness for a more lumpy and waddling figure. As you can see here when she met her mom for breakfast at Papoos hot dog stand in Toluca Lake yesterday. Damn. This chick used to be so cute. Now she looks like she's halfway through a sex change. " Ugh. Hilary Duff, like every other goddamn woman, has weight fluctuations. So effing what. She is still adorable and you can fuck off.
The Punishment: Must live on hot dogs and hot dogs alone for 3 weeks.
The Accused: Yeeah
The Crime: misdemeanor body snarking
The Evidence: "Real girls eat meat. And - from the looks of Jessica Simpson here - also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!" Sigh. See what we said about Hilary Duff. Also: fuck off.
The Punishment: Jessica Simpson's cowboy boot inserted directly in anus.
The Accused: Our old pal, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Raging homophobia, sexism, racism, probably a bunch of -isms that haven't been invented yet.
The Evidence: A reader recently reached out and told me that they wanted some Matthew McConaughey news, I didn't really know why but assumed it was because the reader was a poofter and into dudes and wanted some pics to get of to because he thought McConaughey had a rockin' bod or some shit, so I told the motherfucker that I don't want no faggots 'round here and tied him to the back of a pick-up truck like he was a black dude from the south and drove for 18 miles. I am just kidding, I only went 10 miles, but dude won't be asking me for no faggot pictures anymore…[H]ere is Matthew McConaughey wasted and having an amazing time in Central America doing what I do best without the obesity, anger, puke covered shirt or fingers inside an unsuspecting passed out whore. All while leaving his pregnant maid back at home because you can't give her preferential treatment just for letting you plant seed in her, the other maids will revolt and then no one would be there to cook dinner, clean the Air Stream or do the laundry…" Look, we understand that the Drunken Stepfather says outrageous things on purpose in order to rile people up. But it's unfunny, it's tired, and it's mostly just sad. Putting on an over-the-top racist persona in order to get attention is actually fucking pathetic.
The Punishment: Being miniaturized and having to hang out in Matthew's reportedly unwashed armpit for all eternity.
Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to firstname.lastname@example.org with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.